fallen

hi i'm a 19 year old girl, currently in university. I don't know when this feelings of depression started to hit me, but I think it's getting worse everyday. I have no mood to do anything except to ponder about life, and think about ways to commit suicide. Just this afternoon, I contemplated taking the stairs up to the 23rd level of my condominium building and just throwing myself off, ending all my problems once and for all.

I'm not able to concentrate in school, I have difficulty focusing on my schoolwork. I can't seem to study at all, my mind is so clogged up with thoughts of suicide and ending my miserable life. I feel so negative everyday, I dread meeting people, even friends; I don't find anything funny anymore in life. I'm so pessimistic that I've lost interest in all that I used to love, like exercising and all.

I'm hating my wretched life, hating myself, hating everything around me, this world in particular. I distance myself from others, I'm becoming seriously anti-social and difficult to get along with. There seems to be nothing in this life that's worth living for, even if I die, there's nothing that I regret leaving behind. I'll really be better off dead.

I think my depression probably stems from my eating disorder; I went on an extreme diet a few years back, I was close to anorexic and I lost a lot of weight. But eventually i gained all my weight back and even more; I resorted to taking pills but that didn't work - I put on even more weight! Now I feel so fat everyday, I hate it when people call my chubby or anything. I'm not overweight, just not on the thin side. I dread to meet my relatives or old friends, who'd immediately say taht I've put on weiht, look so much rounder, or even worse, on relative said I look bloated. I've becoming so weight-conscious that I dread going out with friends since that means i'll have to eat with them; yet whenever I am stressed or going through mood swings I'll just binge like nobody's business. I can't seem to control myself; I've lost all sens of self-control, self-restraint, determination and willpower.

All the negative comments seem to stick with me, I can't get rid of them and I' can't help but dwell on them. I keep dwelling on the past as well, when I was happier and more carefree.

I dont know what to do with my life right now. Im considering taking leave from university to see a doctor, but I'm such a coward..I don't know how my parents, relatives and friends will react to it. I'm too weak, I can't bear the thought of declaring to everyone that I have a problem and that I need help. Can anyone please advice me on waht to do?

 

Hi Goochie,

Please go and see a doctor about how u are feeling. It won't give u a quick fix but it will be a major step on the route to recovery. Is there someone at uni u can see? Seeking help is a sign of strength - it is far stronger to say u are having difficulties than to just spiral into the depths. Believe me, I know. People who love and care about u will not judge u and will be happy to help and support u thru this. Lean on those u love and trust. U are not alone.

Thinking of you.