ive gone a year without cutting, worked so hard to get to an ok point in life. i got a job, graduated and now in college. i worked threw it all without anyone, i was alone. after all the cutting and all the pills i swallowed it all means nothing today. 3 months ago i quit my job, and completely fell, i started popping pills again, but this time i didnt let it go, i reached out to a therapist at my college, amber. she was great, i could go to her and tell her anything, she helped me alot. well one weekend i was with a few friends and 2 of them started touching me. the 13 yr old tried to shove a sex toy in my mouth while the other held me down. i know they were only playing around (my group is weird like that) and i know that they didnt mean anything by it. that really triggered me so i told amber about my brother raping me. amber didnt know how to help me. so she directed me to NWCASA therapy for sexually abused survivors. that was the last time i talked to amber. i started going to casa bout 3 weeks ago. i dont like going there. the whole theme of that place scares me. tuesday i told elizabeth (casa) that i wasnt sure if i wanted to come anymore. that i wanted to go see amber and see if theres any other places i can go. wendsday i called amber and told her i needed to talk to her. she told me that shed have to check with her supervisor, when i told her why i needed to talk with her she told me to come in for a few mins. thursday i went to amber and she told me that i cant go to her anymore. she said that they cant provide me with the services i need. Everyone i get close to and open up to always leaves me. no matter who they are they always walk away. im sick of it. right when i left amber i had to go to class. so i took my test in tears i prolly failed it but oh well. i got done with my test in 10 mins. was a 3 page written response to the book i was reading, i only wrote 2 pages with a 4 page book summary. right when i got to my car elizabeth called me. its like she knew something was wrong. I went to elizabeth and we talked for 1 1/2 hour. A few hours after i left elizabeth i started cutting again. its just not fair that everyone i get close to i always lose. i cant do it anymore. this morning i woke up wanting to cut. i cut 3 times yesterday. im falling again and i dont know what to do.