falling again

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Fuzzy Monkey, Nov 21, 2009.

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  1. Fuzzy Monkey

    Fuzzy Monkey Well-Known Member

    ive gone a year without cutting, worked so hard to get to an ok point in life. i got a job, graduated and now in college. i worked threw it all without anyone, i was alone. after all the cutting and all the pills i swallowed it all means nothing today.

    3 months ago i quit my job, and completely fell, i started popping pills again, but this time i didnt let it go, i reached out to a therapist at my college, amber. she was great, i could go to her and tell her anything, she helped me alot. well one weekend i was with a few friends and 2 of them started touching me. the 13 yr old tried to shove a sex toy in my mouth while the other held me down. i know they were only playing around (my group is weird like that) and i know that they didnt mean anything by it. that really triggered me so i told amber about my brother raping me.

    amber didnt know how to help me. so she directed me to NWCASA therapy for sexually abused survivors. that was the last time i talked to amber. i started going to casa bout 3 weeks ago. i dont like going there. the whole theme of that place scares me.

    tuesday i told elizabeth (casa) that i wasnt sure if i wanted to come anymore. that i wanted to go see amber and see if theres any other places i can go. wendsday i called amber and told her i needed to talk to her. she told me that shed have to check with her supervisor, when i told her why i needed to talk with her she told me to come in for a few mins. thursday i went to amber and she told me that i cant go to her anymore. she said that they cant provide me with the services i need.

    Everyone i get close to and open up to always leaves me. no matter who they are they always walk away. im sick of it. right when i left amber i had to go to class. so i took my test in tears i prolly failed it but oh well. i got done with my test in 10 mins. was a 3 page written response to the book i was reading, i only wrote 2 pages with a 4 page book summary. right when i got to my car elizabeth called me. its like she knew something was wrong.

    I went to elizabeth and we talked for 1 1/2 hour.
    A few hours after i left elizabeth i started cutting again. its just not fair that everyone i get close to i always lose. i cant do it anymore. this morning i woke up wanting to cut. i cut 3 times yesterday. im falling again and i dont know what to do.
  2. kurenai

    kurenai Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling horrible. The most important thing, I think is to surround yourself with people like Elizabeth, don't spend so much time alone, if you're out there doing things, and keeping busy, you won't be able to cut yourself, at least for a large portion of time. And that Amber person sounds like a terrible therapist, just sending you away like that. Being able to talk to someone is always helpful, even if they don't know exactly what to do.
  3. Fuzzy Monkey

    Fuzzy Monkey Well-Known Member

    shes an intern at my college and im only allowed 12 sessions with her, ive only had 7 with her. idk im trying to keep busy but my best friend is away at school, my other friend is always working and she lives 2 hours away with her boyfriend, and my other friend is always critizing me for everything i do. im getting sick of people, i just wanna be alone.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    yeh depression makes you feel that way want to push people away be alone but don't Get out amongst people anywhere shopping mall sports activity don't stay alone it get way to depressing.
  5. Fuzzy Monkey

    Fuzzy Monkey Well-Known Member

    i know, i went out with a few friends last night, mom actually let me take my car! i just wanted to cry the whole time,idk they were all happy and i was just there. im always just there when im with a group of ppl.
  6. kurenai

    kurenai Well-Known Member

    I definitely feel like that too when I'm around a lot of people, but after a while it starts to get more fun, because I'm too busy dancing around or doing cartwheels to be so self-conscious.
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