Hello everyone. I've been attempt-free for 1 and 1/2 years and now I think I'm going to attempt another one very soon. I have no personal contact with anyone to talk to. I just scare everybody or they don't want anything to do with me. I'm so tempted to call the crisis line but I fear they're going to send emergency crews to evaluate me. I'm having group therapy tomorrow and hope I'll last by then. I'm so consumed with thoughts to OD again but it scares me because I really almost died the last time I did it. I have a plan and can't shake it off. I know it will not only devastate me but everybody who knows me. I am at risk for eviction from my apartment and lose all the independence I have worked so hard for. I don't want to go back to personal care homes. All I want is some human contact to tell them what's happening to me but there's nobody available. I have to deal with this all by myself and I feel so alone. My neighbors all know how to deal with their depression, but when it comes to me, I immediately resort to suicide as the only option to stop my pathetic mind. I just want to break down and cry. I don't know what to do. My urges are so tempting and I SO very much want to OD. If I did that, I would at least get that off my mind and I'll just have to live with the consequences...that is if I do survive it. This is the lowest point I have become for over a year now. I'm losing my self-control and I'm desparate for intervention but I have responsibilities that stop me in my tracks and make me remember all the things I need to do instead of attempting suicide. That's the only thing keeping me safe right now. It's that I have to do some things. That doesn't really sound important but they are for me. I feel like shit, but I'll continue to feel like that until tomorrow at group. My psychiatrist might have to put me in the hospital and I dread that. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I will feel better, at least in the morning until the evening when I start back all over again. I just wish I can get rid of my thoughts. I'm struggling so bad. I feel terrible. I feel guilty and I feel scared. Oh well, good night everyone.