Falling Apart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TinyDancer, Mar 24, 2015.

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  1. TinyDancer

    TinyDancer Member

    For the past 5 years, my life has been unraveling, and I'm now at the point where I can only see one way out. In that time, I've lost both of my parents, lost contact with both of brothers, spent nearly $300,000 in inheritance with nothing to show for it, was homeless for almost a year, went to jail for 4 1/2 months and then again, twice, within a week of each other, for violations of my probation. I have no friends, I can't get a job, I have no money (literally not even enough to buy smokes or put gas in my car). My daughter, the love of my life, wants nothing to do with me. I can't sleep; I'm usually up until 4 or 5 in the morning and then wind up either just staying up or sleeping well into the next day. I literally do nothing from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I sometimes sit and play games on my computer for hours and hours on end. I used to be a voracious reader; I would sometimes read a book a day. Now I've not read a single book since I was released from jail on Christmas Eve because I can't seem to concentrate.

    The man I live with, and with whom I've been in a relationship for 15 years, has gone from being kind of a jerk to outright abusive. When he arrives home from work, he goes in his room (we now have separate ones) and locks the door. He won't open it for me, and sometimes won't even answer when I talk to him through the door. When we do meet up in the house, he won't talk to me or answer me if I talk to him. If he does speak, it's to tell me to go away, leave him alone, whatever. He makes fun of me, calls me crazy, accuses me of being high, tells me that he never said or did things that he absolutely did. And then, faking concern, asks me if I think I might need some psychiatric help because I keep "imagining" that he's said and done these things. It's difficult to describe just how awful he - and living here - can be. I desperately want to move out but I have no funds to do it with, and nowhere to go.

    I'm desperately unhappy. I cry every day. I can't find any help. Every website on mental health and therapists seems to just link to more websites with more useless advice. I miss my daughter terribly. I've lost interest in doing anything, going anywhere, trying to work, everything. I just feel like it's over for me......
  2. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    Well Michele, it isn't over at all. You displayed an interest in preserving your life by putting forth the effort to find this forum. We will all do what we can to help you, for what it is worth. I myself am fairly young and don't have as much life experience as others here, so I am not sure what good my advice alone would give you. However, I can offer my support wholeheartedly. I care about you and I feel deep pain for all that has caused you problems in your life. I believe in the fact that life will get better for you and that you will make it through it all.

    I hope that you find what you need here. Breathe, relax, and be safe.
  3. TinyDancer

    TinyDancer Member

    Everything is so awful right now. The man I thought was the love of my life, who I've been with for 15 years, has suddenly turned into a monster. He refuses to even talk to me - he locks himself in his room and either won't open the door or doesn't answer at all. He knows this antagonizes me and I'll start yelling and crying, and then he turns around and tells me "See? This is why I can't talk to you." He's always on the verge of financial collapse and I've been supplementing his income, paying our rent and his bills forever.......now, I've finally run out of money and he never even thought to help me out in return. He's telling me I have to leave our house, knowing I don't have any money or a job or anywhere to go. I just have to sit here and endure this agony until I can figure something out. He owes me money, but instead of giving it to me, he's using it to pay off stuff he claims are my debts. My 23 year old daughter, who I adore, refuses to see me or speak to me or respond to my texts.

    It all just seems so hopeless.....
  4. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Your story kind of takes my breath away, you've been through so much and there is still so much going on. I zeroed in on your ex (I guess he is an ex even if you are still living together) telling you that you have to move out, and the fact that you don't have the means to do so. Housing instability is a tremendous suicide trigger - and you've already been homeless so you know the drill. You've got a tremendous lot of stuff going on, but you have to have a roof over your head, so it seems that might be the place to start.

    Question: can your ex legally force you out of the house? You need to be able to leave when you're ready, not when he decides it's time. He shouldn't get to put you out on the streets, considering how much you have contributed financially to the upkeep of the family home. Have you considered checking with Legal Aid to see what kind of legal protections you have? Here is a website that might help you get started. http://www.laaconline.org/ You definitely will do better out of that toxic environment, and can better start to heal once you're free, but again, you need to be in control of this process.

    Do you have records of your financial contributions? If you do, get them together and protect them from your ex. If you can at all swing a safety deposit box, store them there. Also, I'd check into Common Law Marriages in California and see if you don't have some right to spousal support. Fifteen years is a long time. Considering how much you have contributed in the past, you might have a claim. Again, Legal Aid might be able to help you with this.

    I know it's hard to take care of this kind of nuts and bolts stuff when your heart feels ripped out by your ex's unfairness and abuse, and by the lack of contact with your daughter. I totally understand what you are going through with her, btw. My two daughters stopped talking to me, too and wouldn't answer emails or phone calls - it just destroyed me. It's actually what sent me to this website. Since then I've finally heard from both of them and have an idea now of what's going on but it's clear they don't want the kind of closeness with me that I long for with them. The loss is just devastating and for awhile there, was pretty all pervasive. It's a little better now but I do know what you're going through with this and as one mother to another, you have my deepest sympathy. I think all you can do is keep the lines of communication open - I check in on mine on FB and send them supportive emails or links to websites I think they'll enjoy and basically don't mention myself at all. My problems are simply more than they can handle. I'm hoping in this way, they will start to thaw a little and let me back in their lives.

    Again, you've got so much happening that ideally you should have a therapist to talk all this stuff out with and maybe medication as well. Meds could help you get your sleep regulated which might help you feel a lot better. I don't know if those are options for you, or even if you want them, but you do need support and you're not getting any right now. Are there any kind of support groups out there that might fit your circumstances?

    Meanwhile, I hope you will keep posting here and keep us posted about how things are going.
  5. Tjh

    Tjh Active Member

    Hang in there, tiny dancer. Please listen to chestnuts good advice. :)
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: for you. Sorry you are feeling so bad. I really hope things improve for you!
  7. TinyDancer

    TinyDancer Member

    Thank you so much, Chestnut. Reading this made me cry ~ but in a good way.

    I probably have some legal rights with regard to staying here, but why would I want to? My ex is SO awful to me. He stays locked in his room and refuses to speak to me, or if he does, it's always a fight which he starts and then blames me for. Last night, I put my arm against the door to keep him from closing it and he threatened to break my arm! I truly believe the man is a psychopath ~ he's completely rewritten our history to suit his current position on things (for example, he's now claiming that I've never given him money). He's broken my spirit so badly that sometimes he almost has me convinced he's right!

    Your words about your daughters ring so true! I'm a recovering addict and I went to jail for a few months last year to clean up some wreckage from my past. As you said, it's just too much for her to deal with. She doesn't like big messy lives with big messy emotions ~ she holds herself very close to herself. And my life has been nothing but messy for the past few years. I can't tell you what being homeless (not really homeless, but couch-surfing) was like. Shoplifting food. Smoking cigarette butts off the ground. Going to Nebraska to live with/work for a woman I'd never met only to find out she's unmedicated bipolar and OCD with a MAJOR hoarding problem. The only thing that saved me was that my brother finally, after 3 years, sold the house we had inherited. I've been living on that money since then, but my ex has been siphoning it out of my account and now it's gone completely. The idea of having to go back to that other, homeless, way of life......I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm 57 years old!!!! Enough is enough.

    I don't have a single friend to turn to; granted a lot of that is my own bridge-burning, but wow. The handful of friends I do have aren't in a position to help, or don't want to.

    Every day is a fresh hell for me. Yesterday I went on a chat (the ex had my cell phone turned off) with a mental health organization and they sent their CAT team over. The woman was really nice and offered to hook me up with a place that can in turn hook me up with a therapist, meds, etc. she promised to email me this morning with an appointment time and guess what? Haven't heard from her!

    Anyway, thank you for being here. You've probably literally kept me alive for another day.
  8. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    TinyDancer, I agree that you need to get out as soon as you can - right now it sounds like a living hell. Hopefully you can maintain control over when and how you leave - that's my only concern. You don't want you ex making those decisions for you, especially as he seems so angry and hostile and therefore unpredictable. But definitely, when it's reached the point where he's threatening to break your arm, it's past time to get out.

    Please try to retain faith in yourself. I know it's not easy when someone is constantly messing with your sense of reality by rewriting history. I have a little experience with that myself - my ex did the same thing, though not as bad as what you're going through. You know what you've contributed, don't let him convince you otherwise! It might help to even write a few things down as touchstones to remind yourself when the self doubt sets in. And I hope you've hung on to your bank account records. If it ever comes down to it, a forensic accountant might be able to prove that your ex siphoned money out of your account and used it for his own purposes. He shouldn't be able to do that and then try to throw you out without a dime. Right now you're crushed that he's betrayed you this way, which is understandable, but you must protect yourself.

    My hat is off to you for being in recovery, though I'm sure the jail experience sucked. And the time being homeless sounds really horrible, just horrible. I'm actually terrified of homelessness myself - it's one of my greatest fears. Anyway, at some point, hopefully your daughter will realize how much strength and courage it has taken you to get this far. It must be a real challenge to your recovery to be under so much stress right now - I think it's great you're still able to hang in there. It sounds like there's a lot of fall out from what you call your "messy life" but you have already taken a huge first step in fixing things. Stay proud!

    What a disappointment that the woman from the CAT team didn't follow through on her promise. Even if she hadn't been able to get things set up yet, she should have let you know it was in the works. Can you go back to the chat and let them know the situation? Therapy and meds can make a world of difference and you need the support like...yesterday.

    I'm glad I was able to help. I hope you'll keep posting and let us know how things are progressing.
  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Have you heard from the mental health team yet?
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