I think the title says it all. Over the last year I have been hit with a resurgence in my depression and my self harm has returned and escalated considerably. I have tried to seek help, I saw a CPN, changed my antidepressants from effexor (after many years - nightmare withdrawl) to mertazapine. After starting those my colleague and friend committed suicide out of the blue and i immediately stopped my medication. My CPN was so useless when i told him i wanted to commit suicide he simply told me there was no way i would despite a history of 4 attempts in my early twenties (now 29). In the end I wrote to him and called a stop to our meetings and he never even returned a confirmation letter, nothing. He didnt give a damn. My parents think I am fine, my work are happy with my improved self now i am drug free and me I just cant live this lie anymore. I cant go back to my GP as he will just refer me back to the CPN who no doubt thinks I am some overdramtic selfish screw up now. I cant tell anyone around me that I only get by with a blade in one hand and enough cannabis to knock out a horse. Its like I am spinning down a huge slide, round and round into a darker and ever deeper hole and there is just nothing left to hold onto. I have been fighting this since my teens and have spent probably half of my living years in this hell and I dont think I can bare to face yet another year of this. I dont even know why I am posting all this here but I just need to get it out somehow, I just wish I knew why I feel this way but I dont.