Falling Apart

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Jinxed, Dec 31, 2007.

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  1. Jinxed

    Jinxed Member

    I think the title says it all. Over the last year I have been hit with a resurgence in my depression and my self harm has returned and escalated considerably.
    I have tried to seek help, I saw a CPN, changed my antidepressants from effexor (after many years - nightmare withdrawl) to mertazapine. After starting those my colleague and friend committed suicide out of the blue and i immediately stopped my medication. My CPN was so useless when i told him i wanted to commit suicide he simply told me there was no way i would despite a history of 4 attempts in my early twenties (now 29). In the end I wrote to him and called a stop to our meetings and he never even returned a confirmation letter, nothing. He didnt give a damn.
    My parents think I am fine, my work are happy with my improved self now i am drug free and me I just cant live this lie anymore.
    I cant go back to my GP as he will just refer me back to the CPN who no doubt thinks I am some overdramtic selfish screw up now. I cant tell anyone around me that I only get by with a blade in one hand and enough cannabis to knock out a horse. Its like I am spinning down a huge slide, round and round into a darker and ever deeper hole and there is just nothing left to hold onto.
    I have been fighting this since my teens and have spent probably half of my living years in this hell and I dont think I can bare to face yet another year of this. I dont even know why I am posting all this here but I just need to get it out somehow, I just wish I knew why I feel this way but I dont.
  2. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    Jinxed, you are a battler and I hope you continue to keep on surviving although you feel it is never ending. Having experienced depression for so long, there has to be respite at this long tunnel you walk on.

    If what it's worth, I don't think you are a overdramatic selfish screw up, you are trying to survive and sometimes we have to look after ourselves when we have been hurt in some way from the past where no one was there to comfort and nurture you. So now is the time to give yourself the care and love that you deserve without feeling that you are anything less.
  3. Jinxed

    Jinxed Member

    Thank you for your reply Oceans. I don't know why I am still trying to survive. I dont deserve any love or care though as I made all the mistakes that have made me the screwed up mess that I am. I know deep down I need to get some help or I will end up as my mother likes to say 'Doing something stupid' again. I am just so sick of constantly failing to achieve anything by myself and not being able to live a normal happy life.
  4. lfdy

    lfdy Active Member

    hey jinxed. what is normal. i dont know any one who is normal. we are all struggling to keep our heads above water. you are not alone. you are still so young. there are so many things you have yet to experince and do. my heart bleads for you. i am trying to comfort you while at the same time i feel exactly the same way you do. but that is how i survive. i find that in trying to comfort other people i am really comforting myself. this probably doesnt make sense. but i just want you to know that your life is very valuable and people do care, especially everyone on this forum. take care. hang in there.
  5. Jinxed

    Jinxed Member

    Thank you for your reply lfdy. I can understand what you are saying as I know I sometimes try to do that too. Lately though everything is slowly getting worse and worse to the point where I no longer feel I have any control. I keep finding myself thinking about my past attempts and working out why I failed, I am scared of going back there but it feels like the only way left to escape whats happening to my head. I know in two weeks time I will be undisturbed for several days and I cant shift the thought that it will be ideal. I try to keep going by thinking i have to complete this or that for my home study or volunteering to work extra. All it seems to be doing is running me lower to the point where now i feel physically drained and mentally cracking up.
    no matter what I do it is never enough and i hate i cant tell anyone that could help me.
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