Falling Apart

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by PandorasToybox, Jan 26, 2012.

  1. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member

    Yesterday my professor said Life is great. Yesterday I almost knocked my professor out. But I smiled and agreed with his sing-song statement.
    Life is not terrible. However life is more fucking confusing and frustrating than people can understand 99.999999% of the time. Somewhere between having some big ass family feud and the pressures of college I've started to just not give a crap anymore.
    The thing is this time it's different. I don't feel like I want to die. I feel like I just want to walk away from it all. I've tried to suck it up and move through things. I've smiled when I've wanted to cry. Laughed when I've wanted to scream.
    Me shutting down has caused others to walk all over me. Even if I were to fight back it would be pointless.
    My family has always been the type to avoid any communication. We're all just big secrets to one another. Nobody knows anything about each other.
    And recently it has gotten worse because we found out that I'm not related to my biological family at all. I have no connection to anything now... I don't know my heritage, I don't even know who my parents are. I don't know me. All I know is my country of birth and I'm not even there anymore.
    Ive missed classes and students and professors make half-ass remarks about it.
    They don't understand why Ive missed classes. Between the stress and my epilepsy and everything else in-between, I just feel like I can't go on...
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You said that you want to walk away from it all, maybe the best thing would be to start over. It sounds like things now are really hard for you, and a change might help you feel better.
     
  3. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately it doesn't matter what I do differently. Most of the stress surrounds my past and my epilepsy. Neither of those will go away no matter what I do which is why I don't bother walking away. I deal with it as much as I can. I have in the past and its great in the beginning but then it always reverts back to what it was, and Ive missed out on great opportunities by walking away; thrown away things I regret.
    I think I'll look at talking to my professor about whats happening inside the classroom. I just don't have it in me to push back right now. Not sure if its the right thing to do but I can't afford to become more miserable at this point...
     
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I had a super quick comment to make! I was adopted when I was a baby and never found out who my biological parents were. I still don't know! To me, my family that raised me is my family, and the only family that matters to me. My Mom and my Dad are my "real" Mom and Dad. That said, this is hardly an identical situation to yours, just wanted to share my own personal view on my particular situation! :) And besides, my sister, who is also adopted from different birth-parents, felt a strong urge to seek out and connect with her biological family. And so, she did so! But it wasn't all that she had hoped for--though she got that closure and feeling of uncertainty and not knowing out of the way. I guess we hope for the best but must expect the worst in those situations. Also, does your professor know about your epilepsy? If you could, I would definitely let him know so that he can adjust your marks and course work/load accordingly. Regardless I wish you the best as you go forward!