falling apart

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Sep 18, 2012.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't remember last time i took time off - don't have anywhere to go - don't want to spend all week day after day with my wife

    she just picked up a temp job last week so taking time off now to get away from work and try to get my car back on the road

    my son is here but ignores me or stays in his room talking to his computer

    stuck in the house - weather sucks - tornado warning until 7

    sitting alone

    cats were staying away

    one came to sit near then moved when i tried to pet her - she's just being a cat but now i feel abandoned

    so lost right now - just crying on the couch hoping my son doesn't come out of his room and see me

    no one else coming home for a couple of hours

    thought the time alone would be good

    just making me feel more and more alone and unwanted, unneeded

    trapped in my own home, my own life - don't know what to do, how to hold on
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I'm sorry you feel so alone. Here if you want to talk... it might help to take the edge off the loneliness.
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    not sure there's any point

    can't feel right with people around me - can't feel right by myself

    i'm no good
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    That's not true, you're a good person. And there's definitely a point. :hug:
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    what point?

    everyone is home now and i'm going out of my mind

    i can't keep going on like this - my wife doesn't have any more work for the rest of the week so i will have a constant barrage "let's go out and spend money" which we don't have then have to deal with the fallout when i keep saying "no"

    storms really picking up right now - area under a tornado watch

    going to sit outside and see if god is finally going to let me die
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know this isn't what you want, but I hope you manage to stay safe from the tornado.

    The point is to let you know that you're not alone in the world, that you're worth caring about and people do care.
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    storm never came close enough

    trying to get my car back on the road after almost a year

    need it - running out of strength for getting up at 4 to walk for 45 minutes to the train

    but i'm a little afraid

    having to walk, having to spend more time in the public eye forced me to keep myself under control - people look at you funny if they see you screaming and crying on the side of the road

    having the car back will give me an isolated place to fall apart - or run away - or drive into the sound

    not sure what's going to happen

    not sure what i want to happen
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad the storm didn't get close to you.

    Yeah, I understand your worries about getting your car back. I think it will be helpful for you not to have to walk so far, and it could be good for you to have it in case you need a place where you can be alone, or if you need a place to fall apart sometimes. But I hope you don't use it as a means to hurt yourself. :(
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Got car registered and took it in for inspection but because the battery was dead I was told I would need to drive it for at least 100 - 150 to reset the onboard monitors first

    38 miles from home - transmission failed

    Waiting for tow home

    Want to set car on fire with me inside it
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    PLEASE don't set anything on fire. I'm so sorry that happened to you though, and I hope the tow gets there soon.
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Locked myself in spare room - don't want to eat

    Son was annoyed because all the money for this stuff with the car means he won't be getting a new desktop computer

    Wife was angry because I didn't take us all out for dinner

    Head and heart are both hurting - I'm sorry I can't afford a better car - sorry I want a car of my own to get me to the train - sorry ican't make enough to get everyone the things they want

    They don't see how much this hurts - how much I hate myself

    This is killing me - I want to die so badly
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You shouldn't have to be sorry. You need a car, and that should come first. I can't imagine how your wife expected you to take everyone out to eat after what happened.

    :hug: I'm sorry you're hurting so much.
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    went to bed shaking - woke up the same way

    this is too much

    this is not worth living for
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please try not to give up. :hug: Here if you need anything.
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sent everyone out for lunch - wandering around the house

    can't focus - can't sit still - don't know what to do

    every little noise, every sound grinds against my ears

    soon they'll all be home and i'll have to sit and pretend everything's okay

    my heart is so sore - feels like pieces are falling off

    just want this all to stop
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain or take it away. :hug: All I can say is that I care, and I'm here if you need anything.
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    been driving a lot

    thought i was finished getting mileage on the car but sensors still weren't ready for inspection

    drove some more, they tested - one of the sensors was bad and had to be replaced - it was on the first report but they missed it - had to disconnect the battery to install it so...back on the road

    by myself - 80 miles last night, need another 80 before sunday if i want to have the car inspected before monday

    hours and hours of going nowhere - i should be used to that by now

    tried driving with music but it was messing me up

    tried driving without and started thinking too much wondering how good the airbags are

    won't have heat - would cost too much to fix

    i don't deserve to be warm anyway

    so pathetic
  18. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    no heat in the house?
  19. Takotsubo

    Takotsubo Well-Known Member

    damn some bad luck aye? yeah same here . just when something good starts to happen it never does or goes sour and fucked up.

    mind if i ask what's your occupation and why money is tight?
  20. ACPhilosopher

    ACPhilosopher Active Member

    Have you read Ann Sterzinger's book, "NVSQVAM (Nowhere)"? I think you would really relate to it. The main character has some of the same issues as what you're writing about in this thread. He's unhappy in his relationship, can't relate to his son and feels stifled in his career. I like Ann Sterzinger's writing. You might want to check it out.
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