I have a very stong self preservation mechanism, luck and or / guardian angels, etc.. I thought I could circumvent that. I started drinking, then the impulse to suicide became stronger and the voices telling me "not to" became weaker. I want to write about those barriers. Does anyone else feel them and even "feel" them as you cross them? I knew write away I should not be drinking.. what it could lead to. I told myself not too, but I pushed past the thought anyway. I wanted to hang myself but I started cutting instead. That was actually a good choice and probably saved my life. (cutters will understand) But even after extensive cutting, being drunk, etc.. I had other plans. And I told myself no, and started step 1, I told myself no again, and started step 2, and I told myself no again! and still went ahead with step 3. I think I ended up just tiring myself out and fell asleep. It's like, I want to stop but I have to go on anyway. There is this constant argument and battle over evey step, every cut, every part of the plan. It is exhausting, hopeless and I often feel helpless. I am ok. I just wanted to ask if others go through that too. It's like an airplane coming in too fast and breaks through net after net after net, trying to slow down. Hopefully it does before the runway runs out.