falling asleep <triggering; stay away>

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Luliby, Feb 27, 2007.

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  1. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    I have a very stong self preservation mechanism, luck and or / guardian angels, etc..

    I thought I could circumvent that. I started drinking, then the impulse to suicide became stronger and the voices telling me "not to" became weaker. I want to write about those barriers. Does anyone else feel them and even "feel" them as you cross them? I knew write away I should not be drinking.. what it could lead to. I told myself not too, but I pushed past the thought anyway. I wanted to hang myself but I started cutting instead. That was actually a good choice and probably saved my life. (cutters will understand)

    But even after extensive cutting, being drunk, etc.. I had other plans. And I told myself no, and started step 1, I told myself no again, and started step 2, and I told myself no again! and still went ahead with step 3. I think I ended up just tiring myself out and fell asleep.

    It's like, I want to stop but I have to go on anyway. There is this constant argument and battle over evey step, every cut, every part of the plan. It is exhausting, hopeless and I often feel helpless.

    I am ok. I just wanted to ask if others go through that too. It's like an airplane coming in too fast and breaks through net after net after net, trying to slow down. Hopefully it does before the runway runs out.
     
  2. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    Luliby,

    First Im glad your ok now.....I guess I wanted to say that I can kind of relate to what your saying....its like fighting your mind, and your bodies movements.....maybe Im way off....but you make sense....again...glad your ok.....-Jodi
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Luliby I do understand what you are saying. You know you really do not want to take that step, yet something overidesthe self preservation and impulse takes over. You do the very thing you have just denied yourself a moment ago. This impulsive behavior can become quite frightening. I think mainly because you feel like one of these times you will not be able to stop until the time has become too late. I fear this step myself. I wish I had answers for you, but as I fight this too, I have none. I find myself looking for someone hear that can distract me or change my behaviors. Another coping mechanism among many. And someday, what if that too fails me? I am i close to how you feel hun? I am so glad to hear you are doing okay. You know how best to care for yourself as has been evidence in your posts and the conversations we have had. It is the widom and words of truth you give to us when we struggle that you need to give to yourself. The answers lie within you hun. Accepting them is what is so difficult. Love you lots. :hug: Take care. Stay safe.
     
  4. manbearpig

    manbearpig Member

    when i drink alot i start to stop thinking as much which makes the impulse to kill myself stronger.

    i've never cut my wrists though. And i don't understand it. i'm not saying your stupid for doing it or anything, i'm just saying i don't understand it. And since i don't understand it, it scares me. Which is probably why i don't do it.
     
  5. PoetMan

    PoetMan Well-Known Member

    I know I'm in the minority on this site, but I believe the doctors who have told me that self-medicating with drugs and alcohol do not work. I have drunk myself into oblivion a time or two myself, and it may make the pain go away for a few hours but when it comes back it comes back harder than before.

    I'm glad this attempt failed, even if you did have to cut yourself. I'm not really a cutter, but I did resort to it once so I know how it changes the situation.
     
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