i want to. so bad. i just need to feel the burn of the razor on my skin, feel it break the skin open and see that crimson colored blood. and just writing this out is making me want it so bad. i haven't felt like cutting in such a long time and i don't even know what triggered this feeling. i just know i want to and i'm pacing back and forth wanting to and not wanting to at the same time. do you know how long it took for me just to stop? this whole school year sucked ass and i kind of thought about falling back, but then i met my new friends and it got better and then worse and now i feel like i'm in this hole i can't get out of. and i want to scream and yell at everyone who says they're my friends and then treat me like shit and walk all over me. and i hate that i have no control over certain areas in my life. and i hate that i'm so hateful and mad all the time. i hate that i hate being alive and i hate that i'm so shy and quiet that i can't talk to anyone and that my parents treat me like i'm not even here and sometimes i hate all you people out there because you ignore me just like everyone else and i just want to leave, run away from this place (home not the computer) and jump into the fucking ocean and let it drag me down. i'm so sick of all this pain i've got built up. i'm so sick of the shame, of the lack of confidence i have in myself. i hate that one person can make you question whether your hetrosexual or bisexual. i don't even know who i really am and it scares me so badly because i just want my family to accept me. but how can they do that when i don't even accept myself?