Falling back to my old ways again?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lady Byron, Jun 17, 2008.

  1. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    i want to. so bad. i just need to feel the burn of the razor on my skin, feel it break the skin open and see that crimson colored blood. and just writing this out is making me want it so bad. i haven't felt like cutting in such a long time and i don't even know what triggered this feeling. i just know i want to and i'm pacing back and forth wanting to and not wanting to at the same time. do you know how long it took for me just to stop? this whole school year sucked ass and i kind of thought about falling back, but then i met my new friends and it got better and then worse and now i feel like i'm in this hole i can't get out of. and i want to scream and yell at everyone who says they're my friends and then treat me like shit and walk all over me. and i hate that i have no control over certain areas in my life. and i hate that i'm so hateful and mad all the time. i hate that i hate being alive and i hate that i'm so shy and quiet that i can't talk to anyone and that my parents treat me like i'm not even here and sometimes i hate all you people out there because you ignore me just like everyone else and i just want to leave, run away from this place (home not the computer) and jump into the fucking ocean and let it drag me down. i'm so sick of all this pain i've got built up. i'm so sick of the shame, of the lack of confidence i have in myself. i hate that one person can make you question whether your hetrosexual or bisexual. i don't even know who i really am and it scares me so badly because i just want my family to accept me. but how can they do that when i don't even accept myself?
     
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I don't really have any answers to your questions cause I'm going through the same things myself. All the uncertainty, insecurity and confusion can really drag you down. Is there anyone you can talk to about how you're feeling? It can really help you feel better, you even said yourself that you feel like screaming.

    But hurting yourself isn't going to make you feel better. It might even make you feel worse, in the long run.
     
  3. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    it's okay if you don't have answers. i wasn't asking for any. i just feel so shitty sometimes and i remember how good it felt after i cut. i can't do that though because it took me about a year and a half to finally stop. i just wish that there was a place within myself that let me feel like i was beautiful or nice or not so spiteful. i try so hard to just fit in with my family and now they really have cast me out so what do i do? also, i said that a friend was making me question my sexuality and i don't mean that i'm attracted to other girls. its just her. but i'm also attracted (sometimes too attracted) to guys. and i don't think it's really her that i'm attracted to but her personality. i really don't know. i just hate that i'm me and not someone else.
     
  4. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Well done for going all that time without self harming, thats really strong of you.

    It's really tough how your family ignores you and doesn't accept you...is there anyway you could tell them how you feel? I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing you still live with them...you can always move out when you're older and maybe your relationship will improve, that's happened with a lot of people I know, you tend to get on better with people you hardly ever see :laugh:
    But that must really hurt, just remember that it's not your fault, I'm sure you're not a bad person, they shouldn't treat you that way. A lot of families aren't very affectionate as well, but they do love eachother very much underneath. Maybe if you try and tell them how hurt you feel they'll make an effort to help you more.

    It's kind of normal to get crushes on the opposite sex, it doesn't necessarily mean that that your gay or bisexual. I always used to question my sexuality because I became attracted to my friends or whatever...and yeah I get what you mean like I didnt know if it was just I really admired them as a person or if it was a sexual thing. I used to really stress over it, I really didn't want to be gay or bisexual. But at one point I just thought....just stop with this labelling. Like whoever you want to like, you know. You don't have to come out or anything.

    I don't know how someone could begin to actually like and accept themselves. Is there anything about yourself which you admire? It can be hard to like yourself when everyone around you constantly puts you down or ignores you or doesn't treat you with any sort of respect. I don't think anyone told me that I was a good person until I was about 18 years old or something. But hearing that kind of made me confirm in my head the stuff that I actually did kind of like about my personality. I think everyone is unique and special and has great qualities inside though.

    Well anyway, I really hope you can feel better somehow :hug: You seem like a nice person though, I hope your life gets better.
     
  5. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    sorry i meant 'get crushes on the same sex' :rolleyes: oops
     
  6. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    thanks so much. i can't begin to tell you how happy i am that someone actually gave me advice and actually took the time to read what i wrote :smile:. sometimes, i feel as if i'm like a hundred years old when in reality, i'm not old at all. i'm only 17. it sucks though, i used to tell my parents how i felt all the time and then my mom just started telling me to get over it, or she would get mad and ask me why i felt that way. i never knew how to answer her questions at all. and then i told her about my cutting and she. . . wouldn't look at me for a while :cry:. it was really hard and it's starting to get harder every day again. unfortunately, i can't move out right now. one, i'm not 18 yet and two, i've haven't completed high school yet and that's one of the things i'm not going to quit. there's nothing really about me that screams "incredible." my self esteem is really not great at all. i don't know how to accept myself and i don't know if i ever will. thanks for the advice about sexuality though. it's kind of nice to know that other people have felt that way about friends in their lives too :smile:.
     
  7. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I feel really old as well sometimes, I don't know why....either that or I feel really young, like I'm still a child inside...:S

    But yeah, it's terrible the way your mum got mad at you for feeling the way you do, that must really hurt. She obviously doesn't really understand how bad you feel or is just trying to deny or avoid the problem, maybe because it's too worrying to think about. Or maybe she thinks it's just a 'phase' or something. I doubt very much that it's because she doesn't care about you though, she just doesn't understand. She's the one that's in the wrong though, just remember that. It's got nothing to do with you, she should be helping you more and paying more attention to you. No wonder your self esteem is low. PM me if you ever want to talk =]
     
  8. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    thanks so much. i did talk to her last night actually. she still asked why i felt the way i did but i got into her mind a little too. she's just worried about what i want to do after High School. I gruduate next year and then I'm going into either the Marines or the Navy. She doesn't want me to and it's been worrying her. i was happy that i actually got some emotion. thanks again though. i'm happier just by that little bit she showed :smile:.