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Falling Faith

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So tonight I had an anime marathon with one of my anime pals. But before the marathon we went out to dinner and such. And since I trust him to a certain degree we got to talking about my lonely life. Really he has this annoying habit of bragging, unintentionally. He talks about how many times he was out alone and females would talk to him and flirt with him. Yet I do the same things he does and no one pays any attention to my existence :rant: . Basically he talks about how girls still flirt with him heavily and all he does is just lie around and do what I do which is NOTHING. :rant:

So during the time we were talking the sexual desire of women came up. He basically told me that if a girl wants to have sex she will find a way to get it. And basically shot down all of my plans to avoid such things. Basically he told me that his current girlfriend, well raped him in a way. She just said "I cannot deal with this" but he said she at least got on birth control. So I am not to moderately terrified of such a thing anymore, now that I am recognizing my own sexual desire.

Really the depression starts when I made my usual joke about me being an eligible bachelor when I am 35 or 40. And he said "See hope is still out there". Well this is just something that depresses me :sad: . That I will have to wait a minimum of 15 years to experience love or sex. I mean geez what the fuck did I do to the world that would allow me to deserve that :confused: ? I mean fuck right now if I want to get a girlfriend I know that I will have no choice but to be active in obtaining one. Which is not what I want to do.

So then came up my ideas on girls that I would be interested in, mainly anime gamers. And he says that a hot anime gamer girl does exist and he knows her. So this might kind of disprove my own theory but then brings up another and proves it. That all anime girls that I would be sexually attracted to are never single at my age. Really that dashed my hopes when he said she had a boyfriend :sad: . I mean fuck I thought that if I ever met said female I would try and build up courage and start a relationship. Well now that is all shot to shit. I think I might just forgo meeting her a picture will suffice to prove her existence to me.

Like I said I am just losing all faith in the universe here. I know that if I have to wait even another 5 years to experience love, just love I will not be able to take it. And I will end up rejecting any and all females becoming the bitter old guy who hates everyone. And I kind of want that but most likely don't, I mean it hurts just thinking about it. But what do I have to look forward to? I mean I was told, by everyone, that I should not settle for anything less than the best. So I would assume that to be the same in a mate as well. Now I by no standards am as superficial as 90% of the guys I know. But I have seen what 80% of all anime girls look like and lets just say that even if I loved them only Viagra could get me hard for them. But hey what choice will I have? I mean a companion is better than no companion right? I mean is it so much to ask for me to have a female that I am attracted to, really is it?

But I am just losing faith loseing it all to my friend. I am glad he tries to encourage me with his words "One day you will have a girlfriend and you won't even know how you got her" or "There are girls who go against the social norms". They are all encouragement to me. But really they feel so empty to me like light punches, after enough of them they start to hurt :blub: . I mean really the only way I ever see myself getting a girlfriend is by letting go of my pride. And without my pride what am I? I mean my standards are not that high they really are not. My demands are not that taxing they are not at all taxing. Yet despite my best efforts I get nothing time and again.

Really what is the point in even worrying about such things :rant: ? They are all trivial, fuck why do I need such trivial things? Who cares if I never know love or sex or fuck even a hug? I should not need them not when my friend is struggling to keep a roof over his head, pay his tuition, and pass school? I should be there for him and not think about my selfish desires. But I am just too lonely, all the lies I have been telling myself over the years are falling down releasing the raging river of pent up loneliness and rejection and self-loathing and all those other things that pertain to poor image that come from no one paying any attention to you.

I just want to cry now :blub: I just want to let everything go. But I cannot, how am I supposed to tell my friend all the jokes and encouragement he gives me are hurting me more than they help? I mean fuck he is right out there just 10ft away at most. He is trying to sleep, but I do not want to burden him or make him feel bad. Maybe this is what I need to plunge into the sea of lost faith? I let out my frustration in little doses of sarcasm to him. But to just open up and be honest with him. I just cannot do it and I think that hurts most of all cause I know he might actually support me. Hmm what is this tears in my eyes? Wow I think I might just be able to go cry myself to sleep tonight maybe.. just maybe I can finally vent all my sad emotions better... I think I just gained faith if I can cry myself to sleep.

Oh sorry for wasting all your time with the same old crap that is always on my mind again... any feedback is valued I really mean it.. but not required. Thanks for your time to listen to the same thing over again.
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