Falling for a Friend in Canada

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Aerial, Aug 30, 2009.

  1. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I've been so depressed lately. In fact this issue has pushed me back into a downward spiral. I was really doing good for awhile staying stable.

    I have a good friend who lives in another country and we've been exchanging emails and letters often for the past year or so. We met each other through a comic convention in Toronto. I went with a group of friends and we chipped in on the trip so this was one of the only times I was able to get out and travel somewhere and afford it.

    Anyway, I met this guy at the convention when we were waiting in line for a book signing. We struck up a pretty good conversation. We exchanged emails for networking.

    I've fallen for him since we've kept in contact. When I first met him, I found out later that he was single through casual conversation. This didn't mean much to me at first. The thing is he's very supportive as a friend and that's made me feel close to him over time. He's not really my usual type but his personality is exactly what I've always wanted in a partner. I don't know if he feels the same way and I am too chicken shit to bring this up. Plus he now has a girlfriend and that is triggering tons of jealous pangs. I can't stand that I waited too long to say anything or that she gets to have him.

    This is totally eating me up inside as I want to confess my feelings for him. I don't know if my feelings come from really loving him or from the fact that he's been so nice to me and supportive through emails. He lives in Toronto and I am in the states. I've got no money to visit Canada again, especially on my own, but I've been thinking about looking for a way to move there in the near future. It fits all of what I want anyway, especially when it comes to job opportunities. I also need to get out of the states. Things are going to shit here!

    Should I mention my feelings to him or just leave it alone and try to force myself to let go of contact with him completely? I feel like I need to do something because it's hard not to think about him and my feelings. My feelings are just growing stronger every time we connect!

    Anyone experience anything similar? How did you deal with these feelings? Please help!
     
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I think you should just tell him how you feel. Maybe nothing will come out of it, but you will feel a lot better. But I wouldn't move to Canada just for him. YOU need to truely want to be there.
     
  3. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    That's the thing. I can't tell if my desire to go to Canada is just due to my feelings for him or mostly career aspirations. I think it's both, but I can't lie and wonder if I had already lived in Toronto, perhaps we could have had a chance together. I think maybe he found someone else because I was too far away and I missed my opportunity. Perhaps that's wishful thinking on my part. I don't know. I know when I really want something, my mind can play tricks on me. I start projecting my own desires onto others and I begin to believe they feel the same way. It totally fucks with my head and makes me feel like I am mental.

    The reality is that I don't know if he feels the same way about me. He probably doesn't and only sees me as a long-distance friend. I figure he would have mentioned his feelings for me in our lengthy and open exchanges if he felt the same way. He certainly would not be dating someone else. Bah! This is killing me. I feel like I missed a golden opportunity and now I can do nothing to change anything.

    I also think that if I let him know how I feel, I will look pathetic and stupid. He'll probably think I am being disrespectful to his relationship too.

    This is one of the reasons I can't bring myself to tell him. I never wanted to be one of those women who pines after someone who is attached. I would certainly hate if a woman did that with my boyfriend. I'd want to give her a good punching in the face if I found out she was doing that because I hate women like that, so I don't want to be a flat out hypocrite.

    At the same time, I need to resolve these feelings. Part of me thinks that I must cut off all contact with him, but that would be so painful to just abandon our friendship and leave him wondering why I just suddenly stopped contacting or not returning his emails or messages. I'd look like an asshole.
     
  4. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that Aerial, that sounds pretty rough and I hope things work out.

    I can't tell you anything for certain but here are my thoughts for what they're worth; Maybe this is one those times where you just have to accept that this is the way things are right now and move on. If he has a girlfriend, even if you tell him your feelings, he can't give them back to you. That's painful as anything but resolving your feelings is probably something you have to do mostly on your own.

    A friend had a similar situation and she spent a weekend just talking to someone about how painful it was for her. She didn't completely forget about him but when monday came around she said she felt like she could get on with her life. She still hasn't told him to this day and I'm sure it still kills her to see him dating the girl, it was a friend of hers, but she's pretty much gotten herself back together since then.
     
  5. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    I would just take a step back from ur relationship with him, but let him know that u need to sort somethings out and u wont be contacting him for the next little while...take a breather from him and explore ur feelings...if ur anything like me and it sounds like u r this time will help u clear ur mind and u'll be able to focus on what you truly want....tbh it does seem like ur reading a little to much in to this relationship...I think it would be different if u were in the same city but cause ur not there really is no way for a relationship to start when ur both that far apart physically...i think im rambling on but my point is u have a good friendship with him but u need some time away just to get urself straightened out..oh and moving to a new country for anyone is a big risk especially if ur not even in a relationship....think about ur motives for moving, and make sure ur doing it for the right reasons (not just to be close to him)...
     
  6. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    How far has it proceeded between him and that other girl? Maybe nothing's even happened yet and you still have a chance. If you don't ask you'll never know, and then this will torment you for maybe years or even longer. If you wait it will definitely be too late. First, just find out how far gone they are... if it hasn't gone far yet then you should ask about it and waste no time... then it's up to him. If he isn't interested you will know, and your feelings should pass with time. Also, if I had a girl I already loved, I still easily could stay friends with another girl that I knew loved me. I'd make it *very* clear that nothing could happen between us, but her yearning for me wouldn't bother me... in fact, it'd just flatter me. As long as she wouldn't keep obsessing about it, would get over it with time and wouldn't try to separate me and my girlfriend, I could stay friends with her. If it isn't meant to be you and him, I don't think telling him about it will ruin your friendship.
     
  7. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    That just isn't true. Well, definitely to most but not to me. It wouldn't matter to me if she'd be on the other side of the world.
     
  8. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Don't get too attached, you're a person too.
     
  9. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    Id say dont tell him about your feelings... but if they end up breaking up, after a week or so then just start flirting it up with him maybe...I mean, even with those feelings, you have a great friend. Heck, I have friends that ive had feelings for for years now... On the other hand too, Ive had crushes for many girls so the fact is that it shows that there are a number of girls out there that I could probably be with, same with you.

    Like i said, if an opportunity comes up again in the future go for it, otherwise just keep those feelings on the backburner and keep looking around. Another man could be just around the corner... and besides, like i said, you have a great close friend now.

    As for moving to Canada, like the others have said, Id only move up here for your career decisions or other motives, not for a relationship... just cause he seems great now doesnt mean a year or so down the line he will.
     
  10. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I decided to not tell him about my feelings for him. I've cut down contact a great deal recently. I am feeling a little better as a result but I still think about him a lot. Not as much but he is still in my mind.

    I think I got addicted to the attention he gave me and how nice he was. I don't know if he was ever interested in me too, but I can't bother myself with that. It will just open up the wound completely again. I know I have a problem with craving attention. I become obsessive with others easily and my mind starts concocting these fantasy thoughts about the other person. I imagine that they might like me as much as I like them. It is hard sometimes to tell what reality is when I get like this.

    There's a part of me that still feels the old way and convinces to go with my emotions, but I know that's a bad idea. The other part says I need to continue doing what I am doing and ease off of him completely. Whenever I think of making contact with him, all the feelings rush back and I feel obsessed again. At this point, it seems like its become all or nothing.
     
  11. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    ihope it all works out fo r u....i thik ur doing the right thing even tho it at times doesnt feel like it
     
  12. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I've actually held to my promise. I haven't contacted him since, so that must mean I am doing better. Doesn't mean I don't think about him, but got to start somewhere in progress right? This is a record for me.
     
  13. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    :biggrin: its a start and it will get better with time....
     
  14. Kris.T

    Kris.T Well-Known Member

    I know it's completely different situation to yours but I'll share my experience.

    I met my now ex girlfriend over the internet. Logged on one day, and randomly had somebody add me, I accepted and started to chat, she too living in Canada. I figured it'd just be somebody to talk to while I had nothing else to do, and just to get through the day. We both were in similar frames of mind (depressed, suicidal thoughts, self harming etc) and helped eachother through tough times, convinced eachother to stop self harming.

    After about 6 months, she confessed feelings for me, that I shared. We started writing emails, letters, phone calls, sending eachother things, basically a long distance relationship, without if being 'official'. So after alot of talking, and phone calls, enough was enough and the feelings were too much and I had to meet her. So I flew from Australia to Canada, just to meet her. Spent what would probably be the best week of my life over there, and spending time with her in person, finding she's exactly the same in person as she was online. Things progressed and I had a brief stint of living in Canada, just to be with her. After a year (Ontop of the 6 months of just chatting as 'friends' so 18 months after the first chat) she decided she wanted to move to Australia with me. So we moved back out here to be together, and were happily a couple for two years, until out of the blue she decided it wasn't what she wanted. Her words were 'I can't deal with a relationship right now'. I had no idea what that meant, so I let her go (If you love someone, let them go, right?) Well, within a week of being apart, I found out a 'friend' of hers from Canada was visiting Australia and she had slept with him. And here I am today.


    So why did I bother to share my story? Because there are a couple of similarities. While it hurts seeing them in a relationship, and you may need time away, still be there for that person. You can still be there, and care for him in times his girlfriend may not be able to. Don't encroach on the relationship, just be that friend whos there when he needs one, and be happy to know, at least, you've made a great friend.
     
  15. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I've stuck by my word and stayed away. I feel better for it. I would have opened up a fresh wound again if I made contact. It was hard to break away and I still get pangs now and then, faint ones, but they are less and less.

    My fixation on this guy was completely unhealthy. Another sign was that it was a one-way fixation. I made him this fantasy in my head.

    I've been expressing my emotions in my writing and that's been therapeutic. It's good to keep a blog or a diary too. That helps.
     
  16. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    Read over this again and thought about it. Not sure if I could have done this while being able to separate my feelings for him. They absolutely would have gotten in the way and manipulated my intentions. I know some people can do this but don't think I could have.