Falling hard for someone with little to no chance of success

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by jazzmeister, Jul 14, 2015.

  1. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    Hello to all. I really need help as I do not know what to do with myself.

    You see I'm gay and had to suppress my identity for many years. I haven't tried to pursue any romantic encounters over the past 25 years of my life since I was taught to focus on studies and my job.

    During my current job, I met a man who is at the same age as I am but has a live-in girlfriend for three years now. Since we met, we hit it off; we got along very well on our spare time, we are buddies at work and when he needed things like help on his things, money related problems, I was always there for him. I even volunteered to keep an eye on his girlfriend when she was confined in a hospital for days. I admitted to him that I like him and he said he was flattered about it. During the 2 years we've known each other, I gave him gifts, provided support for him in money and opinions on stuff like deciding on which gadgets to buy, and even confessed my love for him. He admitted to me as well that he is very lucky to have met me and that I came to his life.

    During this time, his girlfriend was oblivious about what was going on between us until she read a few of my texts in his phone. She got angry at him but he said that I should leave it to him to pacify her. Now, she is wary of me being around him but doesn't say it straight to my face. I only know about it from the guy.

    After a while, our relationship grew to the point that he confides to me the troubles that happen between him and his girlfriend like her getting angry at him for not buying her shoes when she got loads of them, and getting angry at him for borrowing money for support for his family back at his hometown. One of his friends even admitted that he is getting tired of his girlfriend's quirk on getting angry about things like the ones above stated. Another thing we've done is that we occasionally hang out in his house (when no one, especially his girlfriend, is not around) or at a motel to watch movies together and eat together. While watching we'd cuddle, hold hands, hug and joke around then smile at each other tenderly. After a while from watching the movie, he would suggest taking things further and would end up me giving him a blowjob, which I don't mind since I'm a bottom and I'd love nothing more than to please him. He also joked at one point during a phase when he and his girlfriend was arguing if she continued with her anger, he would leave her and feel nothing about it. Lastly, he gave me a rosary bracelet as a remembrance of him.

    It really brought my hopes up but then one day he texted me that what we had was up to friends with benefits only since he already had a girlfriend. He told me that if it weren't for him having a girlfriend, I would have had a chance. He said he couldn't give me what I want but can give his body to me. It made me feel like a *****. It broke my heart that after everything, it amounted to nothing. I told him how bad I felt about what he said and he apologized then asked if we should stop doing what we do to spare me from pain. I wanted the pain to stop but I also didn't want to stop what we were doing so I told him it is okay if we continue which he agreed.

    As such, I continued to help him in one way or another. Lately though he told me some things that I do not know how to respond. Out of the blue, he asked me if we could have dinner outside so I told him of a restaurant where not many people go and away from the eyes of our coworkers since what we had was a discreet thing. He told me that he suddenly wanted to eat out with me. During our time, we talked about work and each other and we learned a lot about each other and enjoyed each others' company. During his birthday, I gave him cookies that i made myself (which is the first time I baked anything), a T-shirt, and a love letter containing what I felt about everything between us; I even greeted him happy birthday in his home dialect which I tried to learn for him. After he accepted all the gifts, he said he was touched by what I wrote and greatly appreciated all that I did and have done for him, especially the sacrifices I made for him. He said that he owed me his life and he will never forget our time together. Lastly he reminded me that in the future, if I wanted to work abroad, I should go for it, then take him with me and we would be able to live together. Then since we celebrated his birthday alone in a motel room since his house is a no-no and it was raining, we cuddled, held hands, hugged while watching a movie on TV and he allowed me to go down on him twice. Then he took pictures of us together then sent those to me so I won't forget that time but deleted from his phone so his girlfriend won't see. After that, he even texted me " I love you" in his dialect.

    lately, we haven't been together much outside of work since 2 of our coworkers now live with them and he is about to leave the company. Sadly, I can't follow him because one of the companies he is applying in is the company where his girlfriend is working for, and I am bound to our company for a few years. Still, he insisted that I should not fret and he will find a way for us to see each other. For now, we just joke around at the company and send sweet texts to each other every once in a while. I also still help him with stuff.

    I just want to know what do you guys think about the things he said and the things we've done even though he said that our relationship is just until friends with benefits. Do you guys think I still have a shot with him or am I in a battle with no hope of winning?

    I am still trying hard if I can change the direction of the outcome. He is my ideal man and people like him rarely come into life in this day and age, or at least in my country. I don't want to lose him and searching for someone else feels like a betrayal to him and to myself. I want to be with him, start a family with him, and grow old with him. With everything that's happening that is hindering me to see him lowers my hope but I try to stay strong and do what I can to show him my love and am still hoping that one day, we will be together aand he will call me his life partner.
  2. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    Those situations rarely end up well but sometimes they do.

    What you need to ask yourself is: Am I happy with the current situation? If you aren't, then you should force him to make a choice between you and her. If you enjoy it, keep seeing him and hope for the best in the future.

    If you are not happy and he shows no sign of wanting a real relationship, stop seeing him and your heart will cure with time.

    Good luck!
  3. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    I'm very happy being with him but I just don't know how to interpret what he has said. I want to clarify things but I feel it is too soon to ask since he told me what he thought about a month ago.

    I guess I'll go with how we are now for now. When I will stop pursuing him, I don't know when. I love him very much and would be devastated if he gets married to another.

    If things dont go well, I dont know what I'll do. I keep thinking what I have or don't have that makes him not love me. I've already proven to him lots of times of my love for him and how I can help him in life. People keep telling me that if things don't go well, it's God's plan but after all the hardships I've gone through, I still can't see any silver lining or hint o. where my life is going and who I will be with. I'm at an age where most of the guys at my age have girlfriends or boyfriends and it's pretty lonely at this part of life. I don't want to rush him but I am hoping that I'd get a sign some time soon.
  4. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    A few friends of mine asked about the situation I had with my romantic life; they don't know I'm gay though so I kept up a ruse that I was dating a girl instead of a boy.

    Anyway, I told them what I said on my first post when they heard it, some reacted immediately. Most of them said move on while some stated that I still might have a shot but shouldn't get my hopes to high.

    Another friend asked how is the relationship of the guy and his gf and after hearing it, he told me that I might still have a shot since i have been showing the guy that I was being a better person to have around than his GF.

    You see during the time I've dated the guy, he confided to me a number of problems in his relationship:

    1) The two don't shop together due to an incident where the girl asked for the guy to buy her shoes. The guy told me that she already had a substantial amount of shoes and told his GF that plus the shoes were too expensive. If they bought that, they be short on the budget until their next payday. They moved on and stopped at a pharmacy. The guy told the girl that they should buy a box of multivitamins which were a way lot cheaper than the shoes. The girl bought a box and they went home. At home, the girl complained that she gives all the things the guy wants but she never gets anything. Also, the guy told me they argue a lot when shopping together.

    2) The guy was short on money to buy a present for the son of a good friend as it was the boy's birthday and they were invited. He borrowed money from me. The girl, knowing that they had no money, found it suspicious that the guy was able to buy a gift. After he admitted he borrowed money from me, the girl got angry. It came to the point when she asked the guy to escort her to the bus stop, and he ignored her because of their argument, the girl took his company ID and celphone and stormed off. This wouldn't be much of a problem if she wasn't taking night shift and the guy was in day shift. As such, the guy wouldn't be able to recover his ID in time for work. However, the guy still ignored her. The girl returned later on and threw his stuff inside the house before storming off. Luckily the phone did not break.

    3) The guy sent money back to his family to have his mother really needed to get a new pair of glasses. Because of that, he borrowed money from me. When she learned that she borrowed money again, she got angry and they did not talk for a while and did not sleep together (he slept in a different room) for a while. He confessed that even though they normally sleep in the same room, he and the girl don't sleep next to each other as the girl is a tossy sleeper and he hardly gets sleep when she is next to him. This argument is what brought on the time when he told me that he would break up with her and he wouldn't care.

    4) The girl never hangs out with his friends but when her friends go for a night out, she drags the guy with her, regardless if he felt out of place.

    5) The guy only hangs out with us when his GF was out or if she approves, which is rare, and when she approves, she calls him to come home early. The girl doesn't like him hanging out much without her because she easily gets jealous at the thought that he might be hanging out with another woman. This is also the reason why she doesn't want a girl housemate with her and the guy.

    I know that you might think the guy is not that great as he keeps borrowing money but it isn't his fault. In our company, contractual employees are only given minimum wage and with our economy, minimum wage isn't enough. He told me it was one of the reasons why he is leaving the company. It isn't his fault, it's the company and the economy. When he borrows money, he pays for it and he never borrows without a good reason.

    About our promise to each other. Even before he told me he was going to resign from his post, he promised to me that he will still be staying in contact thru text messaging and will be open for dates and maybe overnight somewhere like a resort if the time is right (his GF is out and his nosier housemates are out). He then asked me for something: wen I work and live abroad, help him get a job in the same local. He then promised that if that happens, we will be living together. My friend told me that the fact that the guy confided these problems to me, made those promises with me, and I have clearly shown my support for his side and has proven that I am able to assist in providing his wants and needs that I have a strong shot with him but what do you guys think?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2015
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If he has not left the gf then back off and see where that relationship goes. Seems to me if he has not given up on gf then his heart is truly not with you just my opinion
  6. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    Can I still continue going on dates with him, giving him gifts, sending cute texts, and passing romantic songs to his flash drive (which he approved of me doing) though?

    I still have high hopes that in time, he will return my feelings for him and that's what I am clinging on to now.

    I'm just basing my hopes on stuff he said and things we did:
    Him asking me out every once in a while to eat out and fed each other at one point
    He told me he loves me one time
    We keep sending messages with the occassional romantic smiley and greets each other like Take Care, Have a nice day, sweet dreams
    Going on movie nights and cuddled and held hands and eventually oral sex
    He made a promise like that to me
    THe joke he made about breaking up (For me jokes are half meant so...)

    As long as he isn't married yet, I believe I have a shot with him. Hopefully, the distance that will come with him resigning from his post and if he works in the same company as his GF, he would find it even more suffocating having to be with her 24/7 and make him miss me more.