Hello to all. I really need help as I do not know what to do with myself. You see I'm gay and had to suppress my identity for many years. I haven't tried to pursue any romantic encounters over the past 25 years of my life since I was taught to focus on studies and my job. During my current job, I met a man who is at the same age as I am but has a live-in girlfriend for three years now. Since we met, we hit it off; we got along very well on our spare time, we are buddies at work and when he needed things like help on his things, money related problems, I was always there for him. I even volunteered to keep an eye on his girlfriend when she was confined in a hospital for days. I admitted to him that I like him and he said he was flattered about it. During the 2 years we've known each other, I gave him gifts, provided support for him in money and opinions on stuff like deciding on which gadgets to buy, and even confessed my love for him. He admitted to me as well that he is very lucky to have met me and that I came to his life. During this time, his girlfriend was oblivious about what was going on between us until she read a few of my texts in his phone. She got angry at him but he said that I should leave it to him to pacify her. Now, she is wary of me being around him but doesn't say it straight to my face. I only know about it from the guy. After a while, our relationship grew to the point that he confides to me the troubles that happen between him and his girlfriend like her getting angry at him for not buying her shoes when she got loads of them, and getting angry at him for borrowing money for support for his family back at his hometown. One of his friends even admitted that he is getting tired of his girlfriend's quirk on getting angry about things like the ones above stated. Another thing we've done is that we occasionally hang out in his house (when no one, especially his girlfriend, is not around) or at a motel to watch movies together and eat together. While watching we'd cuddle, hold hands, hug and joke around then smile at each other tenderly. After a while from watching the movie, he would suggest taking things further and would end up me giving him a blowjob, which I don't mind since I'm a bottom and I'd love nothing more than to please him. He also joked at one point during a phase when he and his girlfriend was arguing if she continued with her anger, he would leave her and feel nothing about it. Lastly, he gave me a rosary bracelet as a remembrance of him. It really brought my hopes up but then one day he texted me that what we had was up to friends with benefits only since he already had a girlfriend. He told me that if it weren't for him having a girlfriend, I would have had a chance. He said he couldn't give me what I want but can give his body to me. It made me feel like a *****. It broke my heart that after everything, it amounted to nothing. I told him how bad I felt about what he said and he apologized then asked if we should stop doing what we do to spare me from pain. I wanted the pain to stop but I also didn't want to stop what we were doing so I told him it is okay if we continue which he agreed. As such, I continued to help him in one way or another. Lately though he told me some things that I do not know how to respond. Out of the blue, he asked me if we could have dinner outside so I told him of a restaurant where not many people go and away from the eyes of our coworkers since what we had was a discreet thing. He told me that he suddenly wanted to eat out with me. During our time, we talked about work and each other and we learned a lot about each other and enjoyed each others' company. During his birthday, I gave him cookies that i made myself (which is the first time I baked anything), a T-shirt, and a love letter containing what I felt about everything between us; I even greeted him happy birthday in his home dialect which I tried to learn for him. After he accepted all the gifts, he said he was touched by what I wrote and greatly appreciated all that I did and have done for him, especially the sacrifices I made for him. He said that he owed me his life and he will never forget our time together. Lastly he reminded me that in the future, if I wanted to work abroad, I should go for it, then take him with me and we would be able to live together. Then since we celebrated his birthday alone in a motel room since his house is a no-no and it was raining, we cuddled, held hands, hugged while watching a movie on TV and he allowed me to go down on him twice. Then he took pictures of us together then sent those to me so I won't forget that time but deleted from his phone so his girlfriend won't see. After that, he even texted me " I love you" in his dialect. lately, we haven't been together much outside of work since 2 of our coworkers now live with them and he is about to leave the company. Sadly, I can't follow him because one of the companies he is applying in is the company where his girlfriend is working for, and I am bound to our company for a few years. Still, he insisted that I should not fret and he will find a way for us to see each other. For now, we just joke around at the company and send sweet texts to each other every once in a while. I also still help him with stuff. I just want to know what do you guys think about the things he said and the things we've done even though he said that our relationship is just until friends with benefits. Do you guys think I still have a shot with him or am I in a battle with no hope of winning? I am still trying hard if I can change the direction of the outcome. He is my ideal man and people like him rarely come into life in this day and age, or at least in my country. I don't want to lose him and searching for someone else feels like a betrayal to him and to myself. I want to be with him, start a family with him, and grow old with him. With everything that's happening that is hindering me to see him lowers my hope but I try to stay strong and do what I can to show him my love and am still hoping that one day, we will be together aand he will call me his life partner.