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Falling pretty hard.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FrainBart, Apr 23, 2014.

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  1. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I sat staring at this empty text box for quite some while debating on if I should write and get things off my chest. I questioned the use or purpose, the point or success that may stem from it. but perhaps its not going to succeed or change how things are but relieve some of the tension thats brimming up inside the last couple of days. I am 24, soon to be 25, with increasing urges I feel that I wont hit that mark. I was evicted from my flat on the 28th of february this year, although the landlord has now obtained a possession order, I have been residing at my parents.

    There is tremendous strain develpoing, and a greater realisation and confirmation, that I am the cause of this stress. I tried hard to be helpful, cooking, cleaning. I try to be out as much as possible, but with the increase in tension has sparked an increase in anxiety. My anxiety is feeding on all these negative emotions coursing around me.

    When I was 12-13 years old my sister and I were not on good terms, and I frequently received a beating from her. She would bully me to the extent that I withdrew, I was a social recluse and thats stuck with me to my current age. having only friends enough to count on one hand. My thoughts have always been that my family have never supported me, and been the ugly duckling of the family. They have tried perhaps a few times to reassure me that is not the case, but through out my life I see nothing but their rejection. When faced with suggesting my goal to go to uni, to be met with remarks of dont waste your time with that, be more like your sister.

    My sister fell pregnant at the age of 17/18 and dropped out of her apprenticeship. Yet they still aspired for me to be more like her... Perhaps I would have more confidence like her if she had not drained what little I had. I left home when I was 17, I could not stand being in the home my family resided, and a recent attack left me with a negative view upon the town I lived in. I assume that I had been suffering witht he onsets of depression since I was 13, no one said it, but perhaps that is what it was. I remember being referred to councelling after a being bullied to the extent it made me cower in the toilets at school self harmed and had a teacher climb over to extract me from a cubicle.

    During the one and only session I had, I could not communicate freely due to my mum being present, after that session, my sessions were handed over to my mum. Healthcare turned their backs on me, and sparked my distrust for seeking help.

    at 17 I was officially diagnosed with mild depression. to me therewas nothing mild about the urge to hurt and to take your life. perhaps though at that time it was the cry for help that no one heard.

    In recent years I made attempts to seek out help, which 9/10 fell through and I was left alone again. The last 2 months have been the greatest strain that I have felt for a long time.

    I guess part of this all leads to something, and I guess its time to express my recent downfall. My brother and niece, (child of the sister who hurt me) began to bully my daughter, a few nights ago it broke me to hear her ask me why they said mean things to her. My parents (mum in particular) only exacerbated my mood by threatening to burn my daughters toys because she had not listened to something. that night I felt the urge to take my daughters life for the first time ever. and I realise the monster that I have become.

    Those feelings further confirmed to me. I have thought so hard in my head of passing the custody of my daughter to my ex, her father, so that I can rid the world of my burden. I am neither help or support to anyone, and was confirmed that I have no place in this world, by my thoughts, and by my family.

    I dont know what to achieve by this... but if you read and offer me a moment of clear headed help please, please share it, because I don't know how to keep living when everything is falling beyond my grasp.

    TL:DR I am suicidle after declaring myself a monster and shit hitting the fan...
  2. pleasedonthateme

    pleasedonthateme Active Member

  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I wish I had practical advice for you but I am too unfamiliar with the social service structure in UK to give the practical advice you need to aid in locating housing. I am very aware of the long battle you have had with the council to do this and only hope it will eventually pay off. In the mean time the heath and welfare of your daughter is the top priority. Please go to social services or someplace to get help caring for her if those thoughts become stronger or dominating your mind. I hope somebody with more knowledge of the UK systems than I can give more concrete advice on how to get help but if what you need is somebody to help care for your daughter than ask for that. Not so you can rid the world of your burden as you put it , but so that you can find the strength to work on yourself as well. Make sure your daughter is in a safe environment and if that is what you need to do to be able to take the steps needed to get yourself better then there is no shame in that at all.
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