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I wish I was a stronger person, I've tried really I have, I've survived the torment of this wretched illness for years, things get harder never easier, and whenever there is some light, it is usually snatched away,
I have fought for so long, screaming in the dark,
I won't say too much, just the essentials, I wanted to come to Canada my whole life, and after many many years, I was eventually blessed to come here, I thought this land would heal me, complete me, and it did, but not how i thought, I was lost, scared, alone, far from home, and then he came, an angel, my hero, my salvation, he held me, he kissed me, he gave me everything I wanted for so long, for a few hours, then he left,
Every beat since my heart has broken more, I'm too ill to carry on, but when I lose hope, I get an email from him, when I want to die, he saves me, he knows nothing of my condition, or my feelings, I think things are casual for him, but for me, he is everything.....and i'm not strong enough to survive without him,
Now defeated, with no where to go, I am to return back to the country that birthed me, and I can't do it, I can't leave this country or him, so I decided that I would go and spend one final weekend with him, (i haven't seen him for over a month...the longest of my life) then I'm going to take my own life, i'm terrified, I don;t want to go to Hell, but maybe I deserve it for the pain I'm going to cause,

thank you for reading this, and if you care, then I thank you even more,
I am hopeless, again left in the dark, and all i'm going to do is cause more pain and heartache, I'm selfish, and cruel, and in so much pain, I feel pathetic, I feel ugly, why does he even want me, he could have any guy he wanted, so i feel blessed to know him, if he wants me for even a minute then its one more minute than I deserve,

But people are saying my feelings are just my illness, and that they need to go away, they want to take me back to a hospital in a country that I hate, to rip them out of me,
I can't allow my feelings for him to die,

I won't

better that I do,

but thanks for taking the time to reply


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just when things seem to hit rock bottom its like a suitcase with a hidden bottom and you fall some more!!! the pain you are feeling i hear and understand where you are in life. yes the sickness plays with us and dirty tricks too its something which ive tried to get my head around for so long. yet it still suprises me.
my honest advice is to be where you feel most comfortable and get the right mix of medication for you. im 4 years in and we are still tweeking it here and there. now do you want to be away for that long?
suicide shouldnt be an option - but its there. ive faced it many times and its never let me down that path to escape. close the gate on it and focus on new things that motivate you. i rarely say things like this such as dont commit as im a free will sort of person. but im sure you can find the strength once more to fight again and maybe get on top of things this time. give it a real go and we will all be here supporting you and if you fall there to catch you.
Don't do it. As much as you care about him, have you ever flat-out told him how much you care? He might not know, or might not want to address it because of his own fears about sharing his life with someone else. However, by even being with you for a few moments he is showing that he thinks you're worth it. Why would he be with you if he really thought you were ugly or pathetic? If you say he could have any guy he wanted, and he chose you.. don't you think its for a good reason? If you take your own life, what would he think?
And even if he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him, theres someone out there for you that will return your feelings. Don't give up hope.
But people are saying my feelings are just my illness, and that they need to go away, they want to take me back to a hospital in a country that I hate, to rip them out of me,
I can't allow my feelings for him to die,

I won't

better that I do,

but thanks for taking the time to reply
Your feeling for him won't die.
They will always have existed in the time you felt them.
They are perfectly safe.
Its yourself you should consider.

Its your feelings now that you can focus on.

Its good that you did find love, you seem like a passionate person, but finding love once makes it much much easier to find again.

And having alot of love like you do should make it easier to spare some for yourself.

You had a relationship, you can have another one. Trust me I've had serious relationships which ended, its seems awful for a time but you do recover.

Why not give yourself the chance to recover.

The best of luck and goodwill to your recovery.
Thanks everyone,

It's a last resort, only, as it is in most cases,
The thing is I really can't bear to live without him, yes maybe somebody else will come along, but I don't want them to,

I close my self off to love, and if I go into hospital, I'll just stand by the window, hundreds of miles, across the ocean and half the world, waiting for him to come,
and he never ever will,

that to me is HeLL,

I hope i'm strong enough to fight, but when he leaves I think he might take that strength with him
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