Faltered...i'm sorry

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ~PinkElephants~, Aug 23, 2007.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I am so tired of my thoughts and feelings being wrong. I'm tired of only being here for one thing. I'm tired of feeling like the way I am feeling or have been feeling and it meaning shit. If you are in chat from now on and ask for help do not expect me to reply, do not expect me to try and help. Do not PM, do not MSN, do not even try to touch base with me b/c I will not help. I will not help you because I don't care anymore. How can I help people when I can't be helped? I have barely maintained myself the past few days while I've been trying aimlessly to help others.

    I am so fuckin' broken. Right now I want to just gouge my skin until I bleed, until my arms and legs are raw. I want to drink until I can't stand up, I want to pop pills until I am numb. If these are methods I bow down to mods and go ahead and delete my words. My words are useless, my feelings pointless, my emotions....I am becoming numb. I do not want to feel this way, I do not want to hate myself to the point where I don't fuckin' care about my personal safety.

    I shouldn't have faltered. I should have jumped that day. I should have flew, I should have given into the peace. I should have just gone. I'm tired of feeling so undeserving of help. Do I not deserve a kind word once in awhile? Do I deserve to be ignored?? I feel like I am deserving of nothing. I feel like you can take and break and just steal what energy I have left. Drain me dry please kind friends, I do not want to feel.

    I am becoming comfortably numb..i will further that numbness tonight. I will destroy my liver a little bit more, the past few weeks i have been doing a good job at that. I will pop some more pills..what do I care right? I'm just a punching bag aren't I? I'm just a stupid girl, I am worthless...isn't that what they said. I am just a baseless whores...let me fail.

    good bye
  2. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    You shouldnt feel like you cant vent your feelings. You deserve support, just like everyone else, you deserve to have your pain acknowledged and the help of your friends.

    From time to time things get said, an arguements arise. You try to stand up for what you feel is right, and its not always accepted. The only thing you can really do is just put that behind you as quick as it happens, or it just eats away and eats away. Talk to friends online, talk about other things, try to take your mind off it. Im not sure what else to say. YOU DO MATTER.
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I do not matter. I have faced my reality and so should you. with that said, i've talked to her already, we are okay. I'm not okay with how i am feeling.that wont go away.

    it wont ever go away
  4. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Kellz..It's so unfair that you feel you can't say how you're feeling and it feeling like no one cares..You're so selfless, you give and give, and others take and take, without giving back. You help so many people, yes, you get into arguments, but everyone does, we're all human. You deserve so much more support than what you're getting now. You matter so much, you're an amazing, kind woman. You aren't worthless, you aren't stupid, you aren't anything negative you think about yourself..you truly aren't. I empathize with how you're feeling, I really do..No amount of words can make that feeling go away, but I can try. You're so much more than a punching bag...YOU DO FUCKING MATTER. You're so much more than a person everyone can vent their feelings to without bothering to ask you how you're feeling. I wish you could see the awesome Kellz so many of us see..I wish you wouldn't take the pills, or drink, or do anything else..But..I :wub: you loads, I hope you stay safe..Here anytime. xxxxxxx.
  5. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    dont b sorry im not going to give u the slush slush just the truth

    we did not get of on the right foot BUT despite that u afforded me the opportunity to talk i respect u for that and you helped me that night dont down yourself and by the way thank you i appreciated it
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