Familiar Feelings...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cloud9, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Now that I'm back home after graduation I'm beginning to feel these familiar feelings...the anxiety, the sadness, the frustration.

    My years in university were like a bubble. I got to live free from my parents, from any religious expectations and with the company of friends whom I generally enjoyed. I really didn't enjoy what I was studying but co-op was paying for my tuition so I couldn't complain. I was also scared of change. Would I get a job in another field just as readily if I switched programs? Would I be able to pay for tuition.

    My last year was a great year. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I started dating during this final year. A really strong woman which I love about her. It's a stark contrast to my timid personality. She's kind, caring, intelligent, opinionated, beautiful. I'm not sure what I did to deserve her to be honest. I spent time with her everyday for the year as we lived together. It was almost magical. We even went on some weekend trips together which were all the more special because she was by my side. Opening up to her about my feelings ended a year and a half of turmoil that I was feeling inside. Endless questions of should I tell her, should I not. I was so scared of rejection. My only regret was not telling her sooner. I could have spent more time with her at university if I did.

    Now that I'm home, those familiar feelings are back. My dad keeps bitching about how he feels my sister is useless. My sister bitches about him. My poor mom whose been caught in between this for too many years has her own issues. She's never been the mother she should be, but I don't blame her. The situation she's in can kill the will to live in anyone. I hate being in this environment. I want to leave, but I feel bound by cultural/religious obligations. After all, I'd be an asshole to leave my parents and run, right? I mean as flawed as they are, they've raised me even though they did a poor job at it. They have not saved for retirement. My dad is almost 70. If I just left, how would they survive? But I can't help it. A part of me just wants to get up and leave them. I want to get on with my own life. Look forward to the future. When I think about my parents on my shoulders for my future I just don't feel like doing anything. I've lost interest in sports, weight lifting, video games. I have no hobbies. Nothing seems to interest me anymore. To make matters worse I'm starting to work in a field I absolutely hate working it. It's mind numbingly boring and stressful. I don't enjoy it and then come home to more stress with family. A friend of mine told me that you'd be surprised how bad other people's homes are. I often wonder how those people have the strength to get through everyday. I don't look forward to getting up every morning. My girlfriend is the greatest treasure. She's away on vacation for over a month right now. Without her I feel empty. But then I realize I should not be feeling this way. I need to be independent, have my own support system. She deserves a boyfriend who has all his marbles intact. I'm beginning to worry that I won't reach that point for awhile.

    My highschool friends? Sure I like hanging out with them, but whenever I'm with them I'm living a lie. I pray with them, but I never pray when I'm not around them. I have a girlfriend, but every one of them believes it is wrong to have one. They do not know I'm dating. Living my life with them and my family versus my work/university/uni friends life is like living a double life. I feel like a mess living this way. I don't know how to sort it out.

    I want to wake up and have all these things in order in my life. I just don't know where to begin, how to deal with it. I need help. I need guidance. I don't know where to turn.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are clearly torn between your family and your future, but you sound like such a caring person to consider them in your decisions...I hope the right answer comes for you...can you leave and send money home? Move near them so you can support them as you need to? Just a few thoughts which came to mind...be safe and know that when it is right, you will have your answer
     
  3. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Thank you :)