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Family and faith are keeping me alive

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Infortunatus, Dec 12, 2010.

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  1. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    I just joined this forum and read through the guidelines but there's so much information that I feel pretty lost and am just going to post a new thread if that's OK. I'm sorry if that's the wrong thing to do or if I'm in the wrong place. Please feel free to correct me about that. Also I should warn anyone who is feeling bad right now that this post would probably fall in the "trigger" category and you probably should stop reading right now. Maybe someone who is feeling better can give me some replies.

    I have constant depression and daily suicidal impulses. I have several plans in place so I can do it anytime I want to<mod edit CatherineC-methods>. I daydream about killing myself a lot. I've taken a variety of antidepressants and still do. I have a therapist who is very interested in all the bad stuff that's happened in my life, but he doesn't seem to understand that repeating all that stuff makes me feel worse, not better. I also have a pretty bad physical illness that will be gradually getting worse over time. Physically I can't work and I have to take 7 different medications every day just to function. They make me so tired that I just want to sleep most of the time.

    Here's my dilemma. I have a wonderful wife and two fantastic children. I know that they love me, even as miserable as I am. I also believe that suicide is murder and an unpardonable sin. I don't want to go to Hell. But I really want to kill myself.

    I can't make any sense of this and I feel trapped into continuing a worthless life to not hurt my family and because of my faith. I've given this a lot of thought and it's been about one year now like this. I already know exactly what my doctor, my therapist, and my minister think about my situation.

    Someone who has been through a similar experience, please give me your advice. Thanks very much.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2010
  2. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    my friend, i am much in the same situation as you are, except that my closest family consists of mother, sister and grandpa, which is litlle or no improvement over your situation. Just to ad to the likeness, there is sickness, depression and lack of job or financial support. I know you are in hell, torn between your pain and your duty to family and God. I'd like more than anything to tell you there is a certain solution, but it would be a lie. Instead i can offer you my full understanding and compassion, for what is worth it, and the only thing that stops me from going to the other side : i think of my pain, then i imagine what it would be if i would transfer this pain upon my beloved ones. Somehow i find the power to choose not to end this life of misery, but to postpone this decision, which is the closest thing to avoid it. I can always do it later, if i choose.
    Word to the wise : you might find it a little easier if you get rid of the means to die, or at least to make them harder to get to.
    Dont know how good advice i gave you, but the fact that you choose to share your burden might take some pressure of your top.
    oh, and remember that not all attempted suicides are succesfull ones, and the only worst thing is a failed serious atempt.
    if you would like to talk more about it, pm me or meet me on the chat section of the forum
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome to the forum.
    You haven't done anything wrong by posting here so please don't worry about that. The one thing I will say is that we don't allow people to post methods so I've edited your post for that reason.
    I've been exactly where you are on more occassions than I care to remember. Wonderful husband, 3 fantastic daughters, very loving mum in law, great sisters and a whole host of fab friends but still having that desperate need to commit suicide.
    The fact is that it's nothing to do with your family and beliefs (although they can act as triggers) it's all to do with the illness. This is what the illness does to you. It takes over your thoughts and emotions and you lose all perspective. It's why mental illness like depression is classed as a disability. It disables you.
    You need to accept that and then you'll be able to fight it. Fighting it isn't easy but it can be done.
    On a practical note, is your depression due to your physical health problems or is there another reason? How you set about finding coping strategies will be influenced by this.
    I can understand that you don't want to continually repeat the bad stuff to your psychologist. Have you told him that? I once saw a psychologist where I refused point blank to talk about my childhood. I told her that it was bad enough living through it, I didn't want to revisit it again. She then chose a different route with my therapy.
    You do have to address the suicidal issues but this might be possible through a change of meds. It can take a long time to find the right combination of meds. It may also be that you've been given the wrong diagnosis for your mental condition.
    I was diagnosed as depressed for years until they realised I was actually Bipolar. The change in meds made a huge difference.
    Once you have the practical side sorted out then you need to develop coping strategies. Do you have any at the moment?
  4. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    Thank you very much for your kind replies. To answer some specific questions, yes it does seem that my depression and suicidal thoughts are at least partly related to my physical problems and all the medicines I take, because it all got worse around the same time. Unfortunately I've gone as far as I can go with the medical treatments and I've just been told to live with it and expect it to worsen over time. Regarding antidepressants I don't like going to doctors and especially I don't like being experimented on by someone who hardly knows me and doesn't speak English very well. That's about the standard psychiatric care around here. I am going to talk to my therapist about his treatment approach, and I'm trying to find coping strategies. I haven't had much success there yet. Main coping strategy seems to be staying at home, avoiding others, and sleeping a lot.
    Again, thank you for your helpful comments.
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Did you ever feel like this before you got the physical illness? This is important because it will let you know whether you're suffering from a 'reactive' depression or if there's something else going on. Also do your medications carry side effects of depression?

    That's really sad news and I'm sorry that it's happened to you. What you need to do now is try to make your quality of life better. You'll be limited by your illness but you can still get there. Are there any support groups for your individual physical illness? Either locally or on the web? You need support from people who know what you're going through.

    Do any of us like going to doctors? My doctor is great and has kept me alive but I'd still rather not see him.
    If you want to beat depression though, you don't have that much choice.
    As for 'being experimented on' - No one is going to experiment on you without your permission (and I personally would never grant permission for experimental drugs) The anti depressants in use have been tried and tested. It can take some time to find the combo that suits you but the results are worth the effort.
    The doctor won't know you unless you allow them to know you. Its well worth developing a good relationship but you're not going to do that until you actually visit a doctor. I don't understand the reference to not speaking English, what language do they speak? Are you living in an English speaking country?
    Your main coping strategy isn't a coping strategy, its a symptom of the illness. Isolating yourself and sleeping a lot point to deep depression. Try spending a minimal amount of time each day with other people and then build the time up. Force yourself to do it and you'll gradually find it easier to do. Then we can look at more individual coping strategies for you.
    Try to stay strong
  6. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    I'm feeling guilty that a moderator for this forum is taking so much time on my one post when I just joined the forum yesterday. I don't feel like I'm worth that kind of individual attention. But with gratitude and respect I'll try to answer your questions.

    I had minor depression episodes on and off for many years, I can remember being depressed when I was 12 years old. It was never a big problem in my life; I just learned to live with it and it never interfered with work, social life, or my family life. This severe depression started about a year ago.

    At least three of the medicines I take for my physical problem can have depression side effects. Because the doses are high I suppose the risk is greater.

    There are no support groups. My illness affects 1 in 3000 people and is not common.

    I live in the USA and most US trained physicians regard psychiatry as an undesirable profession; as a result a lot of the psychiatrists are foreign trained and, while they may be fine people, they are often difficult to understand and have little or no understanding of the cultural background of the patients. At least that's what I'ved experienced. I usually dislike and mistrust medical doctors for some reason. My internist is a wonderful and kind man who has given me his home phone number, his cell number, and told me to call him anytime I need anything. But I can't do it. I've tried and I can't. I can't see myself calling him at home or when he's off work to burden him with my problems. I told him he would read about me in the newspaper before he got a call from me at home. He didn't look too happy when I said that.

    Thank you again Catherine for being interested and wanting to help. I'll continue to listen to any suggestion that might get me out of this mess. But it all looks pretty black right now. As you can probably infer from what I've posted, I'm not a teenager going through those issues. I did that many years ago. I'm kind of on the other end of the scale - not likely to accomplish anything more in my life and finding it hard to justify taking up space on the planet. Somebody else can have my spot.
  7. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

    If suicide is an unpardonable sin, and would result in you going to Hell, you can't commit suicide, right?

    As bad as you feel, it can't be as bad as burning in darkness for eternity? ETERNITY! Do you truly believe that's what awaits you if you commit suicide?

    Not positing a theological argument but just saying the threat of Hell seems a pretty good deterrent to you acting on your impulses. Would you really risk Hell? or do you hold out hope that God might have mercy on you in the afterlife due to your circumstances?
  8. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    Yes, you've got it right there. The question in my mind is whether there is a level of suffering that can be reached by a person which constitutes justification for suicide. But I don't know the answer to the question.
  9. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I agreed to be a moderator on this forum so that I could try to help people. I consider myself privileged that people are willing to read my suggestions and share their stories with me. I feel hugely privileged that I'm well today and able to do this. Another day it will be me posting and you offering support.
    Also, you are well worth the individual attention. The date you joined the forum is immaterial, you're asking for help and that's all that matters right now. You deserve help, you are a worthwhile person and I care about you. Lots of other people here care about you too.

    Did either of your parents suffer from depression? I ask because sometimes we can learn negative behaviour patterns from parents which feed depression. It does sound like you have suffered with mild depression but learned coping strategies to deal with it. You probably did this without even being aware of it The depression that you're in at the moment is probably a result of your physical illness and all the stress associated with that. Nevertheless, it sounds like clinical depression and you'll need treatment. Obviously only a doctor can diagnose you though and I'm not a doctor.

    I think that you definitely need something to counter the effects of the medicine. If depression is a side effect then they may be affecting the chemical inbalance in your brain and you'll need another med to sort that out. Which is a pain in the neck I know but sometimes we don't get a choice.
    If there are no support groups for your particular illness, then there are probably support groups that deal with long term illness (rather than specific illnesses). Again it would be helpful for you to discuss the issues that long term ill health raise. It will help to know that you're not alone in dealing with those issues.

    Okay, I can see why that may be a problem. I'd ask you to consider this:
    The best therapy is where both counsellor and patient learn from each other. I believe that you're there to teach them as much as they are there to teach you. It's a two way street.
    If you think about it having to explain your cultural background to someone will help you recognise things in that background that you've always taken for granted and never thought to question. You'll learn a lot about how you were 'socialized' into society and what you were taught to expect from society. You will probably learn far more about yourself than you would with someone who has the same cultural background and the therapy itself would be more rewarding.
    Language may be a problem but as long as you stay patient and say when you don't understand someone, you'll get there. You'll also be teaching them better English which isn't a bad thing. It will help the other people who go to them.
    What I'm trying to say is that you can look at those problems in a positive light where you are giving to the other person as well as taking from the other person. You'll feel much better if you know that you're giving something back.

    My husband has suffered with poor health all his life and he loathes and detests doctors, despite having met lots of wonderful ones. I think its having to constantly go and see a doctor, it wears you down.
    I'm not surprised that you don't want to phone your internist. I wouldn't either. It would make me feel uncomfortable. Thats why you need to see a professional therapist. You don't mind phoning/talking to them because they're getting paid for it.
    I do think that by telling the internist that he'd read about you in the paper before he got a call, you were actually asking for help. Next time you see him, ask if there are any therapists that he can personally recommend.

    It doesn't work like that. We don't count off people who have died and then let someone have a baby to replace them. Your spot belongs to you and if you die then it dies with you.
    Everything is looking black because you're in a depression and you're probably in a depression because of the meds that you're taking and the stress of the illness. It's not an insurmountable problem, it just feels like it is and you can guarantee that the depression is controlling your thoughts on that one.
    What you need to do now is improve your quality of life and to do that, you've got to deal with the depression.
    Please think again about seeing a doctor. Anti depressants will make a huge difference to the quality of your life.
    PM me anytime or carry on posting in the thread.
    Sending hugs.
  10. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    I can't discuss my parents on this thread. If there's a "childhood from Hell" forum I might post something there sometime in the future. But I'm a strong believer in forgiveness and I forgave them many years ago.
  11. lapazyelamor

    lapazyelamor Well-Known Member

    how is suicide murder and an unpardonable sin get that rubbish out of your head it is insulting
  12. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    No insult was intended to anyone. I was just describing what I believe. I would be happy to try to understand what you are saying if you want to explain further.
  13. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You don't have to talk about your parents if you don't want to. Or you can pm me if that makes you feel more comfortable.
    Many of us have gone through the 'childhood from hell' and we know how difficult it is to talk about those feelings. Its bad enough living through it without having to talk about it afterwards.
    I'm glad you've forgiven them, that's a huge step and a necessary one in my opinion. Have you also forgiven yourself though? Sometimes we hang onto guilt and shame even though we were the injured party. Its very difficult to overcome the emotions we felt as children and children often blame themselves in these situations.

    I think what this poster is trying to say is that the idea that suicide is an unpardonable sin and a form of murder can be offensive because it doesn't allow for the fact that suicidal people are extremely ill. They're not in control of what they do due to their mental illness.
    This is largely recognised by the mainstream religions now. Where once the Catholic church, for example, would not allow suicides to be buried in hallowed ground, they now acknowledge that the person died from an illness and wasn't responsible for their actions.
    Do you really believe that a loving and caring God would punish a person who is mentally ill?
    You must remember that centuries ago, people didn't have the understanding of mental illness that they have today so when they talked of suicide being an unpardonable sin, they believed that the person concerned was simply throwing their life away and fully aware of what they were doing. This was seen as an insult to God, hence the 'unpardonable sin' bit.
    Luckily we've moved on from that now and you may want to take some time to reconsider your opinion. (Totally up to you of course, I'm not telling you what to believe)
  14. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Always forgive yourself first.
  15. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

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