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Family doesn't get it

theedda

Well-Known Member
#1
I just need to vent about this, I'm not even sure there's anything anyone can say. Don't even bother calling me an asshole, I already know I'm gonna sound like a whiny entitled teenager.

I wanna preface this by saying I do have a very good family. Things aren't always perfect, but that's mostly my mom's occasional emotional issues and the fact that my family is more conservative than me (due to my parents growing up in the soviet union and being quite religious). My parents and sister do genuinely love and care about me, so I feel bad for feeling this way. But dammit... I just can't be around them right now. My life's a fucking mess, and I have no idea what to do about it. And they're not helping. They're not kicking me out, but they're almost causing problems in the opposite way. They can't seem to accept I have my own life now, and I feel they'd gladly have me living with them for another ten years, just helping them out here and there.

My parents are at the age where they're semi-retired: mostly relaxing at home, but keeping busy enough with their little side activities and occasional work for extra money and to stay active. They're happy. They achieved their little dream of having a home and retiring from the hustle and bustle. They don't have any real issues anymore. I mean sure, as I said, they're keeping active, but they don't necessarily need to.

So I feel like, out of sheer boredom, they just complain about petty shit and gossip every time I see them. The kind of stuff you waste energy worrying about when you don't have any real problems. And honestly, in the nicest way possible... I don't give a shit about any of it. And as bad as I feel for saying that, let's face it, even if I cared about how all my mom's friends and my sister's boss's cat's hairdresser was doing, or what obnoxious threats the crazy old ladies of the village, who have literally no power whatsoever and who they could just choose to ignore are making, or how bad the roads are ,or how much the city sucks... I just don't have the bloody energy to keep track of all that. I literally don't. My mind just doesn't even retain 99% of that information anymore, because my own life is a damn mess.

I wanna just scream that I need help and guidance, because I have no idea where to go from here, but I can't, because anything I say is drowned out by all of their "problems". I've outright told them "Look, I love you, but I need to figure out how to live my life, and I just can't live yours" and then they just say "Well, you should tell us about your problems then". I don't even know how! What do they want me to say? That I have no friends and no real way to make them right now? That I can't find a job and have been unemployed since June? That I'm in almost constant pain due to the stomach issues that are apparently just stress related and that I have found no way to medicate for the past almost six years? Well, they know all that already. I sure as shit am not gonna talk about my weird girl troubles, and how I'm romantically and sexually frustrated. I can't tell them I'm suicidal or depressed, because my mom would just freak out. I've tried and tried to approach them with this stuff, and they always promise they'll help. But they never really do, or they do some token thing I don't really need, like skimming over some job offers and emailing me one or two.

I do want a healthy relationship with my family. But I just... don't even know how to do that when my own life is just so lost.
 
#2
I hear your heart here and I can see how it would be difficult for them to understand you. But an independent counselor would hear you and really listen. It is possible to be heard and to be guided on how to deal with a lot of the things that you mentioned here. Most times when we keep all the serious stuff inside, our brains keep repeating things that aren't necessarily true. If not a counselor, is there a trusted adult other than your parents? Aunt, Uncle, family friend...? A lot of times we have to be frank and just say, "Hey I have some serious stuff and my heart and I need someone to LISTEN. Please don't judge, just listen." Being heard and given some healthy tools to accompany this season of your life will help take some of this frustration away. My parents really never saw me, at least not in my opinion, but my favorite aunt was the one I really trusted and having her in my life made all the hard stuff not so hard. Please start by telling your parents what you've share here..."You really do want a healthy relationship with them..." That's my prayer for you too. There is HOPE!
 

Dawn

Well-Known Member
#3
I think Barnabus gave excellent advice. I would tell them how u feel and ask them to actually listen because u feel that they don't. But they probably won't change. I would just work on getting out of there. Best wishes.
 
#4
Hoping you took a deep breath and told your parents what was on your heart. We cannot always please others and we spend a lot of time trying to and a lot of time trying to get people to accept us...but we should spend that time trying to be our best selves and if they like us, that's great, but if not, we still move forward in life as uniquely, gifted and responsible adults. It's a process that doesn't come easy for lots of us, but when we make peace with our lives and seek to surround ourselves with those who will encourage and support us, the hard stuff doesn't overwhelm us. You are carrying a lot of (things) on your heart and in your head...I hope you make at least one attempt at professional counseling so that he/she can walk you through some healthy tools to letting go of some of these burdens that you are not met to carry.
 

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