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Family dynamics are too painful for me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by flowers, Feb 5, 2014.

  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I wrote this in my diary at sf. But I really want support. I am in so much pain about it. So here it is. Pasted here... with more added in. Sorry for the length of it.

    I am so hurting. the other brother, G, is mean to mother. Avoiding her at all cost. Even though her son just died. Mother is mean to brother, G.

    Mother trying to make a rememberance event in honor of my dead brother. The other brother, G will not see her. He does not want to be involved with anything. I understand. For one thing, because of the way she treats him. And because she does not want it to be a sad event. Also she makes much ado when she plans events. Its hard for him to deal with it. He is very reactive because of wounding, and genetics. And she refuses to ever adjust her behaviors to be gentle and caring with him. She is critical and angry with him. and he with her.

    Aunt mad at him....... and me. Him for the way he treats mother ( my aunt's sister in law). And me for not jumping on board with her complaning. I am too sore for all of this. I do not want alliances. And yet I think this is what my dysfunctional family is about. The only one who saw both sides is dead. I am alone in this pain of what brother and mother are doing to each other. I hurt deeply for my mother. But she brings it on herself. My brother is very difficult. He triggers so easily and goes into anger (manifestation of pain and hurt). And she knows just how to trigger and get on his last nerve. Which with him is pretty close to the surface. Especially with her. Because of the mountain of ways she has been less than caring and critical to him. I on the other hand am excruciatingly careful and wary of him.

    They both have their intense wounding. I just wish they could be kinder to each other. AND I wish my aunt would stop complaining about my only remaining brother. And then mock me for just saying " uhuh, okay" when she goes on and on about him. And not saying shes right about it all. I do not know what else to say to her. I will not side with her. Because I see it is them both. But she refuses to accept that. I cant hear her complaining. I am too broken with pain to listen to her crap about my brother. But she seems to feel justified to complain about my mother and my brother to me as she feels upset with each of them at varying times. I do not want to hear it. I am too hurting to take care of her feelings. She has a daughter who can help her with this. ( and three other of her own offsprings she can talk to about it). I cannot handle hering it. I am very very very upset. And none of them know it. Because they are so busy talking about their own feelings... to me. So hurting. And there is no one to turn to. I try to talk to my mother. But she always has something more important to do after she says how hurt and angry she is with my brother. I need someone too. I just want them to stop hurting. And to stop hurting each other. And I want someone I can turn to irl locally. pdocs fee just went up because medicare decreased how much they will pay. So I will have to pay about 50 dollars copay if i want to go to her. I am tired and worn and sore and I want out. Desperatly want out

    I started a thread in the ED area of another forum community I have been a part of for a very long time. The thread was about how the ED has gotten worse since death in my family. I finally edited out the words after 50 people read it and didnt say a word. I was not important enough for one person to even click on the "hug" option. Doing that does not even involve words. This is a perfect synopsis of how it seems that my words are ignored. I want it to be over. I need for it to be over
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2014
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    That sounds like quite a lot to digest at once in one's life! I don't feel I would have the courage to handle it... If I were you (& of course I'm not; which makes this so much more doable) I would do every thing in my power to try and take an approach where I look at them and say, "Ok! If that's what they want to think and do and say... Fine. Then let them be that way!" Because there wouldn't be any way for me to likely change their attitudes, values & beliefs--not to mention feelings--about one another. It certainly would not be worth the great effort fighting with every one in order to make peace when all it's going to do is wear me out. (I might even have to assert my self out of character and tell them where to go in order to leave me alone if they couldn't take the hint. But that's just me!) Especially if I was all maxed in that department to begin with from the loss without their aid. I hope you can find some thing interesting, exciting & fun (or any one of those) to take your mind off things for a minute, Flowers... Truly Yours, me! :)
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    thanks, Mr B. The problem is that I love my mother so much. And I feel horrible for her. AND I love my brother also and feel terrible for him. I am not able to step back from it in that respect. I am not arguing with either one of them. Because I know they feel so hurt. I just want to take away their pain. Especially hers. I say nothing in defense of my brother to her. Because she will not see that it is partially her responsibility to treat him better. And then in return he would not be as hurtful. I say nothing in defense of my mother to my brother. As I do not want him to feel hurt. Although I do tell him that I love her. And that I am not in a place of acting reactive to her. Hopefully he can think about that and try to follow my lead.

    I do appear to step back and act neutral. But in my heart, body and mind it hurts so deeply. And I do not know how to change that. I do not iknow how to stop caring or BE neutral to the point where I just detach from it. Especially because my mother just lost her son. It breaks my heart. And yet, I cannot make them all be nice to each other. all I can do is try to show compassion to both mother and brother. And to make sure to not answer the phone if aunt calls. Thing is she is a good ally to my mother. So thats great. I just cant handle her anger and complaining right now. And I cannot seem to detach from feeling horrible for my mother... and brother G. I just cannot detach my feelings. Even though that would be the healthiest thing to do :pinkheart:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2014
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    flowers, I'm so sorry family issues are really difficult for you now.

    You are caught in the middle where it is not possible to make everyone happy. It's almost as if people want you to choose a side (or a person to side with) and then say only negative things about the other(s). From what you've said, that is not where your feelings are right now. At the moment, you love your mother, your brother, and respect your aunt.

    Love and anger are not mutually exclusive. (Anyone who has children or who has been in a relationship can tell you that. :hug:) Perhaps you could detach more from your family's demands and antics if you pause to remember that you can love them all and still dislike their behavior. Loving them doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say or do. (Maybe if you think of it as we can love people "in spite of" as well as "because of.")

    If you are able, perhaps you could reach deep within yourself when they start criticizing one another and tell them calmly something to the effect of "I love you all. I feel like everyone wants me to take sides. That puts me in a very difficult spot with all of you. You're all my family. We can spend time together being happy or being miserable. I'd really rather be happy, wouldn't you?"

    Even if you cannot say something like that out loud to them, recognizing internally to yourself that they are the ones who are making things harder might help you stay more grounded and feeling less like you're being driven mad by them.

    I hope things settle down. Families are, well, families. *sigh* :arms:
  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Wow... That last line read like a loaded weapon, Acy! :-D Excellent advice given by you, too! Thank You. :) Flowers, I also don't think it's overly out-of-line for you to say, "Look, I just can't deal with this right now. We can talk about other things--any other things--but that subject is too sore for me." This way, maybe they'll understand that it's just all too upsetting for you and you're becoming deeply distressed over the matter. Those are my most recent mumbles for you..;)
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    A less caring individual would not have these issues, flowers. It says so much about you that you care even with how you are treated. And I understand it hurts you deeply. I've no words of wisdom unfortunately. But I do care. :flowers:
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    thanks people for the good suggestions, thoughts and understanding and witnessing with daisy flowers. I appreciate it all. And I appreciate you all. So very much :pinkheart: