Family, Friends and Moving On

Nick

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#1
I'm mostly posting to process out my thoughts, and see if this seems logical or makes sense. I struggle with family and relationships, always have. I've been thinking about what I need to do, what steps I need to take. Today I decided I need to make some changes with some of the people in my life. There are some people that I need to extremely limit or terminate contact with. One of those people is a parent. These people aren't good for my overall health, mental or otherwise. They aren't at all interested in my well being and they really don't give a flying fuck about me. Contact with these people only causes problems and doesn't bring anything except keeping other family members from being angry with me. Not really a good enough reason to continue at this point. These are the same people who didn't even text on Christmas, so they can get over themselves.

There are also some people I need to let go of. That looks different depending on the person. I need to let go of the hope that these people will once again be a part of my life. Stop hoping today is the day, next week, next month or that 2020 will be the year. Holding onto to the hope causes too much pain. It hurts far too deeply. If the problem is me, them or something else entirely isn't really relevant at this point. There is a sadness in letting go of the hope, but it's far less than the pain of waiting. I have to move on. I'm not blocking them. I'm not closing them off. I'm just no longer hoping.
 

SillyOldBear

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#2
@Nick Sounds like you are into some heavy stuff. Its hard to let lose of people who have been around for years, even if they aren't good for you. And, wow, one is a parent. And they are likely to protest, saying you don't really want to do this do you? But it seems it will be even harder to let them go, AND let go of the hope that they will ever be a positive part of your life in the future. I wish you the best of luck with this adventure and hope it works out for all of you.
 

Nick

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#3
@Nick Sounds like you are into some heavy stuff. Its hard to let lose of people who have been around for years, even if they aren't good for you. And, wow, one is a parent. And they are likely to protest, saying you don't really want to do this do you? But it seems it will be even harder to let them go, AND let go of the hope that they will ever be a positive part of your life in the future. I wish you the best of luck with this adventure and hope it works out for all of you.
It's a battle I've been fighting for a long time. Too long really. Mentally I just can't continue to fight it. It's me or them, something has to go. It's not a decision I've come to lightly and it's not something I just decided over coffee. I moved 2600 miles to get away from some of these people, but in many ways I still brought them with me. It's time to pack them up and send them home. It sounds harsh. I don't leave people. Hell, I still take phone calls from my abusive ex from prison because he has nobody else. He should probably be on this list, but I let him and what happened there go a long time ago and he doesn't hurt my head. I appreciate your well wishes, thank you.
 

Nick

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#5
You know my thoughts on this (and more!), mister duck. You're the priority for your own life. Save yourself. *hug
I do know your thoughts. You know the battle it’s been getting here. This last trip was enough. I don’t need that in my life.
 

Lane

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#6
I'm mostly posting to process out my thoughts, and see if this seems logical or makes sense. I struggle with family and relationships, always have. I've been thinking about what I need to do, what steps I need to take. Today I decided I need to make some changes with some of the people in my life. There are some people that I need to extremely limit or terminate contact with. One of those people is a parent. These people aren't good for my overall health, mental or otherwise. They aren't at all interested in my well being and they really don't give a flying fuck about me. Contact with these people only causes problems and doesn't bring anything except keeping other family members from being angry with me. Not really a good enough reason to continue at this point. These are the same people who didn't even text on Christmas, so they can get over themselves.

There are also some people I need to let go of. That looks different depending on the person. I need to let go of the hope that these people will once again be a part of my life. Stop hoping today is the day, next week, next month or that 2020 will be the year. Holding onto to the hope causes too much pain. It hurts far too deeply. If the problem is me, them or something else entirely isn't really relevant at this point. There is a sadness in letting go of the hope, but it's far less than the pain of waiting. I have to move on. I'm not blocking them. I'm not closing them off. I'm just no longer hoping.
That's very brave @Nick. I think it's an acceptance of the way the person is as well as the situation. It must be hard especially if it is your parent.

I have a sister who didnt speak to me for 10 years. A daughter now for 4. There is a grieving process. It feels to me, like the person has died and I've gone through those stages. It turns out, my sister would not have been good for my emotional health, although I idolized her.

Also, I've cut off contact with my foster father, the only father I knew early on. It takes practice to separate toxic people from your life. It can hurt. But, you are are strong and correct in considering that it may help your mental health to do this. *hugtackles
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
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#8
I cut off contact with my father 3 years ago. He's not a nice person - racist, homophobic, intolerant, petty and spiteful. He and his wife are very toxic and divisive. They continually tried to play my brother and I off against eachother and then they started on my children.

I don't miss the drama that surrounded any contact we had and in many ways my life feels calmer without them in it. BUT there is still a part of me that misses him. He's my dad, I love him and I can't turn those feelings off. He's 83 now and I can't help thinking about how I'll feel when he dies. I'm not even sure I'd find out. I guess I'll just have to deal with that if it happens.

So for me there's pros and cons. Maybe try to distance yourself without closing the door for good?
 

dandelion s

RAW, well done
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#9
my personality (or personality disorder) actually makes me unqualified to respond to this thread but my feelings and thoughts are that what you are deciding is probably the way to go so here is my reply.

i have no friends and always wanted one, two or more but always felt as if i was in the postion of having to beg for them. my closest high shcool friend decided i was not friend material anymore and made a point of telling me (in some kind of polite manner) around the tme i graduated from college. i can explain that event elsewhere i guess.

college friends were more a state of convenience for them and after, made no effort to stay in touch though i did. (see begging above).

my youngest brother decided there was some kind of divide between us that i still do not understand and we have not communicated in years. i would fix that but he right after one of my earlier hospitalizations seemed to indicate that what ever the problem was it was that i had decided to leave the family and it was all my fault. my father the narcissist was right in all matters and i sadly emulated him through my 20s. why would i do that? again a story to relate at another time.

ugh, i’m rambling too much.

my point is that i feel and you may too, that one is torn between it seeming natural to be close with “friends” and relatives yet at the same time, they can be so uncompromising like it might not be all my fault. then, i don’t know about you but i lack social skills enough that making frineds doesn’t happen ever anymore since college (except for two occasions which also i could explain elsewhere/elsetime) which i guess could indicate that it is all my fault. so i don’t really know how relationships should be treated. see, unqualified yet full of thoughts about what goes on.
 

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