Family & The Past

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Illusion, Mar 25, 2011.

  1. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    I feel like I make way to many threads on here, but I really need to just let this out. Sorry if I annoy any of you yet again with another dumb rant. My family annoys the hell out of me. I love them but still. They make me feel like trash all the time. Some examples:

    *Most nights its my job to make sure my step father wakes up so he doesn't loose his job. The alarm clock never does the trick so we need someone to wake him up. In order to do so, I knock on the door since its locked. If I don't knock loud enough, my mother yells "KNOCK LOUDER MIRANDA, DAMN". However if I knock to loud, my mother yells "YOU'RE WAKING MEGAN UP, GOD DAMN WHY ARE YOU SO LOUD". I even fail at knocking on doors apparently in my mom's book. Sometimes my step father gets annoyed at me and responds with a sour attitude, then my mom will say something to him and they start fussing.

    *Everything revolves around my sister and step father it seems like. Since I'm to much like my father in my mother's book, she often bashes on me. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't even want me anymore. Like I'm a part of her terrible past and my step dad & sister are her new beginning. While I have that brought up, I'd like to say that you're not a hip 20 something year old mom. You're 40 so stop trying to be like most 20 something year old women as well as wishing to be more like them. Just cause you managed to have a baby at your age, that doesn't mean you're part of the young & hip cool crowd.

    *My step father is constantly working at a place he hates, therefore he brings negativity home. As soon as he gets home he has to go to bed so he can get a few hours rest to be back there again. My opinion on that place is that they shouldn't be allowed to keep people nearly 24 hours everyday there. All he ever talks about is his job and bills. BILLS BILLS BILLS. Argues with my mom about wasting money that we barely spend on anything other than fuckin bills and groceries. She then brings up the fact that he barely holds my sister (his daughter) and barely does anything with her. He doesn't seem to care though, nor do his parents. They wont even come see her or anything. They don't care about her. I reckon my sister is going to grow up feeling like shes not loved and become suicidal at just a kid age. I feel sorry for her to be honest. Having to grow up in such an unloving family. I can tell now that she gets upset by it all to. Her nerves get torn up so much and easily at just 3 months old. My health teacher from last semester told me that the moment a person is born, they build self esteem. I think hers is already shattered. I know theres a chance she can grow up, ignore all that and find happiness herself though. Thats pretty much what I do. I try to find happiness outside my family. For example, this site gives me the strength to keep living and so do my friends. I'm hoping my sister can find herself some good friends and get into some activities so that our family shenanigans wont affect her so bad. I know a lot of us have horrible families and we just find others or get into activities that help build our own custom family.

    Like I said. I love my family and even if my mother was to die, I don't know how I would go on living without her. I'm grateful for what I have cause there was a point in my life when I had nothing and nobody hardly. Not even her. I just get so tired of the shenanigans. I sometimes wish it was just me and my mother again by ourselves. Though I remember when it was just us, I felt so scared 24/7. Perverts and bad people would look at us as bait. With my step father being in our family now, I feel protected with a man in the family instead of just 2 girls. I'm still scared to this day to go anywhere with just my mom without my step father being around. So scratch out what I said. I wish that my mom and dad never got a divorce. I wish my father didn't turn out to be gay all along. Maybe then life wouldn't be like this and everything that happened after the divorce would have never happened. We were all such a happy drama free family. Even my mother agrees. If they had still been married, my mother would have never had to go through being raped, beaten, homeless, etc and I probably wouldn't be on this site having such a paranoid & bad outlook on life. Wishing wont solve anything though.. might as well just face the music until something happens to me.

    The past seems like it keeps trying to come back up though sometimes. For example, the mother of my mom's abusive ex boyfriend calls here a lot. Plus my step father will sometimes mention leaving us and says stuff like "I RATHER BE ON MY OWN AND PAY CHILD SUPPORT THAN LIVE THIS SORRY EXCUSE OF A LIFE". I fear the past is gonna soon come back and I'm gonna loose everything and everyone again. Fuck this cold world and fuck the cold hearted bastards that make it cold.
     
  2. seekinghope

    seekinghope Member

    You can never have too many "dumb rants". You keep ranting, we'll keep reading and supporting. That's what we're here for.
     
  3. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Thanks, but I really feel like a bother when I type stuff like this. Like they're people going through so much worser than what I've been through. I can't help it though. I like for people to hear me out. I can't just write an entry in my diary and feel better. Nobody ever listens to me in person so I guess thats why I do these threads. They help me feel better and more relieved. But yeah.. I'm gonna add on a little bit with another example...


    *I've noticed at least once every 3 or 4 weeks, my step father chooses to get home really late. During that time hes either out picking up prostitutes or getting busted by the cops for something. He is either bailed out of jail by his parents or he decides to come home if not in trouble with the cops. Him and my mother argue, she kicks him out or he leaves on his own for a bit, my mother cries and moaps saying this is the last time, then a few hours later he comes home, they hug and make up, then watch a movie together and laugh like nothing happened. JUST SO THE SAME DAMN CYCLE CAN REPEAT ITSELF. Its aggravating. I don't even bother breaking up their fights/arguments anymore cause its not worth it. My mother will call me stupid for trying to break it up anyways. I'm tired of their shit. Why can't they just end it already cause this shits been going on for 3 years now.
     
  4. ParodoxialShadow

    ParodoxialShadow Active Member

    I feel for you, friend. That is a terrible situation to be in. All I can say is that you should definitely become your sister's best friend, and together, you can both weather through this.

    We are not bothered at all by your posts. Keep 'em coming. As far as things in other people's lives being worse than yours, I can honestly say that that is not very true. I know a lot of people, in a lot of bad places, and there is only one, maybe 2 that are on this level. Please keep posting, so that we can help you through this as best we can.
    :hug:
     
  5. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much :hug:
    I'm being what my step dad should be. Its like I'm a female father to her. Thats how close I am to her. I'm practically the one raising her.
     
  6. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Wow.. My mother is not allowing me to go to bed or even close my door at the moment. She snapped at me for being on the computer for just a few minutes so I said "What am I supposed to be doing this time of night? Serving you and Megan like always". She said "YES". Wow.. just.. wow. Whatever.