Practical Advice Family upheaval I just want to be out of it

LostInDreamland

Well-Known Member
#1
So this is a bit long sorry.

Backstory (this is long sorry):
Several years ago my grandmother died. For a while my grandfather seemed depressed. He finally started dating again and about 2 1/2 years ago he found someone he really enjoyed being around. Initially I was just happy for him that he was happy again. My mom told me that he wasn't going to be legally married to her because they both have their own families and didn't want the inheritance stuff mixed around (they are both turning 80 this year both with health problems) but they were going to do a church service and that was it (so I was told). It all seemed good. I didn't interact with the woman very often because she didn't come to the family gatherings that we did every month (pre-pandemic) not even Christmas. She found it strange that our extended family was so close.

When I did interact with her she was fine, a little aloof seeming but I assumed it was just because she wasn't sure how to interact with us. However when she moved in with my grandfather she started bullying my aunt who lived with my grandfather (has my whole life for several reasons, she is my parents age), and trying to get my grandfather to kick her out by belittling my aunt. My grandfather had promised her that she would always have a place to live with him even when my grandmother was having a mental breakdown and threatened to kick her out (grandmother had bipolar). However, my grandfather went along with that woman and told my aunt to move out before spring when he and his woman would be back from winter in the south. My aunt is physically disabled and cannot work so her budget is severely limited but she found a place an hour and a half away from my grandfather's house (closer to the rest to the extended family and closer to her daughter). When my grandfather came back he was angry that she had moved so far away because she helps him with a lot of the paperwork he has like bills and budgeting and cooking and things like that but now she lives so far away that it is not easy for her to come by everyday to help out. This made me really angry because after kicking her out she was still expected to do everything that she used to do for him still. He wanted all the benefits of her living with him without her actually living with him.

I did not get involved because it isn't really my concern but I sympathized with my cousin as she no longer was welcome at her childhood home and with how her mother was being treated. (there was a lot more but I'm trying to not make this that long). Also the family events that happened every month were mostly held at my grandfather's house but the woman no longer wanted any of us (my mom and her siblings or their children) to come over anymore and my grandfather agreed. Then the pandemic hit and no one was going anywhere which was fine. But suddenly my grandfather gave notice to my mom and her siblings that they needed to go through their mother's things (my grandmother) that he had kept after she died or they were going to be thrown out, in middle of the pandemic, and they could not go into the house but had to only into the basement through the outside access. My mom and her siblings all have some issues with their legs to one degree or another so my sister, cousin, and I were asked to help carry things up and down stairs. It was very uncomfortable being there without feeling welcome and wanted to be there. I know my mom was very upset as well going through her mother's things and deciding if she has room to keep some of the memories.

Since then there have been other issues and my grandfather has become more distant from my mom and her siblings unless he needs something like my aunt to go over the paperwork described above (she goes there about every other week or so). I am pretty much out of it because family gatherings are not happening because of the pandemic and I don't talk to him over the phone nor do I want to.

Now the actual problem:
A couple days ago a family group message was put out about saving a date in June to celebrate my grandfather's and that woman's 80th birthdays (they will be fully vaccinated by that point). I am not eager go to that at all. Then my mom texted me asking if I have that date free which I just said that I don't know (as I don't have summer schedule set up yet). When I was at my parent's house last night she asked why I didn't know if I was available and I said I haven't set up summer yet to which she said that I can just put that date as taken then for the party and that they will need help setting everything up. I don't know how to tell her that I don't want to participate at all for all the reasons above and also because I have a service dog and I don't think that my grandfather or that woman will allow him to come with (that woman does not like dog and even got my grandfather to get rid of his dog, this was probably for the best because they were neglecting the dog). I am apprehensive about saying all this because my mom will be really hurt and disappointed that I am holding a "grudge" or something to that effect. I did postpone needing to say yes or no by saying that I am too stressed right now because of finals so I have a week to decide what to do.

So do I tell my mom that I don't want to participate, find a different excuse (which may or may not work), or just suck it up and help out?
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi @LostInDreamland,

Family issues are always so delicate. Has your mother indicated anything about how she feels about this person? That might be a gauge as to how she will react if you are just honest with her. If she's been openly upset or unhappy with her, she might be more likely to understand your feelings.

Sometimes however, despite all of the animosity, anger or whatever, some family members stick to the whole blood-is-thicker-than-water credo and if so, it's almost impossible to get them to see your side. They just grin and bear it. If that's how your mom deals with it, then I'd just make up an excuse. I think it can go either way, depending on her attitude, so I can't say for sure. But you know her best and I'm sure if you listen to your heart, you will figure out what is best for you and your family.
 

LostInDreamland

Well-Known Member
#3
Hi @LostInDreamland,

. . . Has your mother indicated anything about how she feels about this person? . . .

Sometimes however, despite all of the animosity, anger or whatever, some family members stick to the whole blood-is-thicker-than-water credo . . .
So my mom is not a big fan of the woman however she doesn't want to drive her father away. So she just goes along with him and the woman to "keep the peace". I don't know if it is quite "blood is thicker than water" but she definitely wants to still have a relationship with her father so she puts up with the woman. And she want me to still have a relationship with him and I don't really want to right now. I don't need to go no contact but definitely low contact.

(I also want to clarify that I do not blame just that woman for all the problems because I know that if my grandfather wanted the stop the issues he could very easily)
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#4
Hi @LostInDreamland
From personal experiences, at times it's probably easier to negotiate your way through a minefield rather than dealing with family politics so I can sympathise with your predicament.

I can understand where your're coming from, as well your mom's perspective ie not wishing to drive her father away. Perhaps give strong consideration to letting your mom know your feelings on the matter and how uncomfortable you are with attending that family event. Your reasons for not attending are as equally valid as your mother's for wanting to attend. So maybe letting her know how you stand could be a good starting point. Of course a lot depends on how your mother may react to this, naturally you will be the best judge of that...

From what you've recounted, it's obvious that your grandad's partner has driven a wedge between your family or at the very least initiated this with your grandad it seems to also taking an active role. I know the easy option would be to distance yourself. However, I would say at this moment to maybe not cut ties off completely but to at least leave one line open towards your grandfather.

As I've already mentioned, maybe for starters discuss this with your mum, then see where you go from there. It can be so difficult dealing with family issues, so I wish you well.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#5
Sounds like a bad situation. I would also make up a polite excuse and not show up because if I did show up I would feel like I was continuing along with what sounds like a fraud of the big happy family that really isn't.
 

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