Fantasising about the peace of death

[scared & confused]

Hi, first post so sorry if it rambles a bit.

I'm a sufferer of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) which originates from my childhood (physically abusive Father, passive Mother etc). It kicked in about 4 years ago after a visit to the UK following my Father's death. Have sought help from psychiatrists and a range of psychologists but seemingly, to no real avail. I say this because recently, at work, I found myself in a very stressful situation and the PTSD triggered. That was a couple of weeks ago now and I've been in a living hell with this thing. The stressful situation at work is continuing and will do so for a while I think but I'm taking action by cutting down on the number of days at work (to 3). However, after all that intro (sorry) I come to the reason why I'm here. I'm having persistent suicidal thoughts where I imagine how peaceful my life would be after death - its almost meditative, calming and restful (especially at night when I can't get to sleep). In the fantasy I imagine overdosing so that I fall asleep without feeling anything then the peace sweeps over me and I feel a sense of calm. The thing is, in the scheme of meditative techniques I'm sure this isn't encouraged and would be considered to be unhealthy. I can't say I'd do it but there you have it. Does anyone else experience this?

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi and welcome...I have used su ideation in the past to know that my pain is controllable...if nothing else, there was a way out...as I have become more effective in handling things, the use of this is much less...I too am a survivor and know how costly PTSD, double depression, etc. is to one's life...paying a huge price for something we did not deserve!!! never sounds fair!!! hope you get through this quickly, and know that these feelings go in cycles...wishing you a speedy rebound...big hugs, J

 

[mdmefontaine]

hi..

glad you reached out here - thanks for your post.

i have had a similiar, in part, ideation. mine involves initial pain - followed by peace and lack of pain. freedom, from pain.

the initial pain is in the death itself. and not only physical. i think there is psychic pain in all deaths - because we are 'built and designed' to fight for survival.

that being said. the urges are rare for me...i consider myself lucky. and i have never acted on one - but - i do understand the desire to just '''let go'''.

however, i do think there is a greater value in staying alive - greater purposes to fulfill - people to love along the way. all love is possible - but all love ceases, in my humble opinion - after death. we would be loved by those left behind - but we ourselves - lose the ability to love when our breath ceases. love is not passive but active - and we cannot act - while dead.
death is forever. my opinion, only.

to stay - and try to sort things out - to try and overcome - brings the constant hope of renewal. of better days.

i hope you find support here - pm me if you want to talk . i hoe you hang on - and we are here so please lean on us until these waves pass.
xxx :console: