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Fantasizing about Abuse + Coinciding Abusive Past ? Anyone Relate? (**May Trigger**)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Mrow, May 1, 2011.

  1. Mrow

    Mrow Banned Member

    OK, I asked a mod where to post this, they said "general problems". But there's no forum place called that specific phrase, and after asking other members too, it basically came down to posting it here.

    If it needs to be moved somewhere else, please do...I am really not sure where to put this?

    I hope that doesn't offend anyone, but it's sex related. Also, it may trigger for anyone who has been sexually abused or for anyone who finds that subject touchy, be warned.

    I am writing this, because I really need to know if others who have been abused, or those who have witnessed abuse have gone through the same thing; and if so have they overcome it? Or how have they dealt with it?

    I am not sure how to explain this, but I'll start by explaining a bit of my past, and childhood. My half-sister (different father) was molested by my father since she was about 5 till 17-18 years of age. We shared a room.

    That meant that I heard a lot of what went on. Nothing happened to me, which I think is because I was his real kid; whereas my sister was not.

    In any case, my sexuality started by trying to figure out what it was that my dad was doing to my sister. Thus I started to "explore" under that circumstance....and after that did it frequently....and remember once my father noticed me doing that, and said "Having a good time in there?"...


    Fast forward, I had an uncle I lived with later tried to touch me...and act sexually suggestive or aggressive toward me.

    Nothing happened there either, in terms of, the only physical violation that occurred was when he tried running his hands up my thighs, made kissing noises etc... Though I wondered and it felt as if one day he'd rape me or something...but it never panned out.

    Then when I was 17, I got into a relationship with the first man ever in my life...from all aspects. He ended up sodomizing me a lot, and when I look back now I think he is a pedophile.

    He specifically searched for under-age girls to ensure they were virgins, and I happened to be one at the time. But I caught him with child pornography (of boys...) years later; and also caught him with "sexts" from underage girls, texts that included naked photographs.

    In any case; I feel like that relationship started out sexually abusive from his end, and I never really stopped anything; by then I was in deep and had nowhere else to go. I tried to make that work, because I eventually literally begged him to take my virginity to stop the other thing from occurring...but he never did stay with me or anything. (Not that I'd have wanted that now anyway).

    Then I could not get over that relationship and what happened for years, and don't forgive myself for not being a virgin.

    Being lonely and desperate to find someone who would commit and not leave, I ended up trying to marry men, and running off to different countries. Then I tried local and ended up having sex with more men; one of whom tried forcing me to basically give him fellatio.

    He grabbed me by my hair, pulled me to the ground, and grabs my head...and his pants were down, and puts me by his penis and tells me to perform. I managed to get out of that; but weeks later came back and finished his request.

    ....I basically turned into a person who just doesn't say no and lets people abuse me.

    But that's just some background, because I am starting to think that my past has lead me to my present. But not in a good way.

    At the current time, I am not with any men, and am avoiding that indefinitely...for obvious reasons (and other reasons). But I still am 'active' on my own.

    But my issue is that I can ONLY fantasize basically about people who are being sexually abused. And when I say this, I say it in a way wherein the people in the fantasies are women who are being tortured or raped, etc... by some guys, or a guy...or by really disgusting men.

    This is so disturbing to me, that the only thing which comes to my head is this. I never fantasize about like one person with me, or about let's say a celebrity or a guy I think is attractive.

    I am wondering if I have been conditioned to kind of think about 'turn ons' or arousal in a different fashion, because my childhood was spent witnessing or overhearing things that were not normal?

    I want to know if others who have witnessed sexual abuse, or those who have gone through it have the same issue, or have had the same issue where their fantasies are disturbing....

    And if so, how have you dealt with it, or changed it, or handled it?

    I don't specifically want to sit thinking about those things. I know they are hurtful, harmful, and very sick and demented. I doubt that if it happened in real life that I'd even be happy, I'd probably freak out...and be scared etc..

    So in all honesty, I am disturbed that those are my thoughts; but part of me wonders if that has anything to do with my past either?

    I wish I could be more tame, or normal...or "romantic" in my sexual thoughts or fantasies.

    Sometimes I think that if I just stop my personal activities altogether, that maybe after a long time when I tried again, that I'd not think about it. But something tells me that is not true, as I have stopped in the past; it just goes back there.

    A part of me thinks that it may be normal for sexually abused to kind of do similar sexually abusive things to themselves long after the perpetrator is gone. Like my sister started getting into sexually abusive situations, because that was what she was taught, and was used to....long after my father was out of the picture.

    But the difference is, that it happened directly to her... not to me. I just witnessed that.

    Then again we grew up in the same household. So. Just wondering, really if anyone has gone through this kind of a thing....? And how they got past it, how they stopped it...or worked through it?
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Re: Fantasizing about Abuse + Coinciding Abusive Past ? Anyone Relate? (**May Trigger

    Hiya Mrow. I have never been sexually abused, nor do I know anybody that has except for people on here. Have you got a therapist you can talk to this about? It may be because of your past that you get these fantasies. It could stem to you as a child wishing that it wasn't your sister going through this, but you had wished it was you so she could have been protected. If that makes sense? I think seeking therapy can help you overcome this. It has not only damaged your sister but it has damaged you also being witness to it, more so than you might think.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Re: Fantasizing about Abuse + Coinciding Abusive Past ? Anyone Relate? (**May Trigger

    i was forced to also watch my sister be sexually abused (there's more to my story, too, but you can read that in the rape/abuse forum if you want). i think watching can be extremely damaging. it is more than you can handle, and introduces you to sex at too young an age. you are emotionally, sexually, and physically overstimulated. that energy has to go somewhere, and for you it went into your dark fantasies.

    i also fantasize about abuse and rape, usually my own and not other people. but it's just as distressing.

    i think it is possible to get over this, but you need the help of a good therapist, one that specializes in sexual trauma. i'm in the middle of this process myself, so can't tell you how it will all turn out, but i am confident that i will get past this. for now i am sharing my fantasies with my therapist and making the connections between past and present. i find i can no longer fantasize in the way i used to, in fact it makes me nauseous to think of getting off to my own abuse. i haven't been able to have "vanilla" fantasies yet, i think that's a long way off. but my therapist believes it is possible to put the sexual abuse in the past where it belongs and have a much healthier approach to sex.

    good luck in your journey, and PM me if i can help in anyway

  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Re: Fantasizing about Abuse + Coinciding Abusive Past ? Anyone Relate? (**May Trigger


    i've no answers for you, but I understand what you are saying and just wanted to say you are not alone with this.

    take good care of you.
  5. sbuck

    sbuck Well-Known Member

    Re: Fantasizing about Abuse + Coinciding Abusive Past ? Anyone Relate? (**May Trigger

    ok... i think i can sort of agree
    the only way i can ever seem to get off is to imagine someone being abused in various ways. more often than not a gang rape. and im not talking about a pretty, sexy, orgy. im taking about a rape.

    i dont know how to deal with it
    i just know that my... uhhhhh... i guess my perception on all things sexual have not only been skewed from my childhood abuse but also from my first real relationship.
    i have never thought of it as normal... but i try not to dwell on it because for me, it is normal =/
  6. Mrow

    Mrow Banned Member

    Re: Fantasizing about Abuse + Coinciding Abusive Past ? Anyone Relate? (**May Trigger

    Well, there's this guy I like. Who doesn't think about those things, and is really kind, decent...romantic.

    So the kinds of things he thinks about in that area; showed me that something was wrong in my areas therein. Like....I don't get real close in the fantasies, or think about making love, or having something good...something that I probably deserve.

    Like I dream about romance, like I am talking about real life dreams. I wish I can have a guy that treats me right in that area, who is passionate, and kind, and everything.

    So it's even contrasting with my wants, needs, and desires.... to sit and think the way I do about rape, or just very hurtful things. I'd never wish that the things I fantasize about actually happen either. :(

    And even feel like I am welcoming that upon myself to even fantasize about it.

    It is bothersome to me. Like...why am I thinking that way? Why can't the fantasies match up to the dreams....and what I truly want?

  7. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    Re: Fantasizing about Abuse + Coinciding Abusive Past ? Anyone Relate? (**May Trigger

    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2011
  8. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Re: Fantasizing about Abuse + Coinciding Abusive Past ? Anyone Relate? (**May Trigger

    I'd love to tell you I understand, but I've never been a victim of parental abuse, or even witnessed anything close to that. However I do understand what you say about only being able to get off with violent or forced sex, in real life or fantasies. I'm not going to go into anything about my ex here, it wouldn't be appropriate, but when we were going out, and especially during sex, it was the norm for her to hurt me. Sometimes just a little scratching, enough to draw blood, but sometimes it was digging the edge of a knife in my back or punching, kicking or slapping me hard enough to bruise. I put up with it because I thought I was in love with her, but now, after we've broken up, I can't have a normal relationship, my sexual fantasies are all of men or women being raped, used, hurt, etc by other men or women. I always thought I was just twisted, y'know why else would I both put up with the violence and have the fantasies right? but at least here there are people with the same problem, and it sounds like it is a product of abuse, it is not because there is anything fundamentally wrong with the person having the fantasies. which I hope is a relief.