OK, I asked a mod where to post this, they said "general problems". But there's no forum place called that specific phrase, and after asking other members too, it basically came down to posting it here. If it needs to be moved somewhere else, please do...I am really not sure where to put this? I hope that doesn't offend anyone, but it's sex related. Also, it may trigger for anyone who has been sexually abused or for anyone who finds that subject touchy, be warned. I am writing this, because I really need to know if others who have been abused, or those who have witnessed abuse have gone through the same thing; and if so have they overcome it? Or how have they dealt with it? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am not sure how to explain this, but I'll start by explaining a bit of my past, and childhood. My half-sister (different father) was molested by my father since she was about 5 till 17-18 years of age. We shared a room. That meant that I heard a lot of what went on. Nothing happened to me, which I think is because I was his real kid; whereas my sister was not. In any case, my sexuality started by trying to figure out what it was that my dad was doing to my sister. Thus I started to "explore" under that circumstance....and after that did it frequently....and remember once my father noticed me doing that, and said "Having a good time in there?"... Awkward. Fast forward, I had an uncle I lived with later tried to touch me...and act sexually suggestive or aggressive toward me. Nothing happened there either, in terms of, the only physical violation that occurred was when he tried running his hands up my thighs, made kissing noises etc... Though I wondered and it felt as if one day he'd rape me or something...but it never panned out. Then when I was 17, I got into a relationship with the first man ever in my life...from all aspects. He ended up sodomizing me a lot, and when I look back now I think he is a pedophile. He specifically searched for under-age girls to ensure they were virgins, and I happened to be one at the time. But I caught him with child pornography (of boys...) years later; and also caught him with "sexts" from underage girls, texts that included naked photographs. In any case; I feel like that relationship started out sexually abusive from his end, and I never really stopped anything; by then I was in deep and had nowhere else to go. I tried to make that work, because I eventually literally begged him to take my virginity to stop the other thing from occurring...but he never did stay with me or anything. (Not that I'd have wanted that now anyway). Then I could not get over that relationship and what happened for years, and don't forgive myself for not being a virgin. Being lonely and desperate to find someone who would commit and not leave, I ended up trying to marry men, and running off to different countries. Then I tried local and ended up having sex with more men; one of whom tried forcing me to basically give him fellatio. He grabbed me by my hair, pulled me to the ground, and grabs my head...and his pants were down, and puts me by his penis and tells me to perform. I managed to get out of that; but weeks later came back and finished his request. ....I basically turned into a person who just doesn't say no and lets people abuse me. But that's just some background, because I am starting to think that my past has lead me to my present. But not in a good way. At the current time, I am not with any men, and am avoiding that indefinitely...for obvious reasons (and other reasons). But I still am 'active' on my own. But my issue is that I can ONLY fantasize basically about people who are being sexually abused. And when I say this, I say it in a way wherein the people in the fantasies are women who are being tortured or raped, etc... by some guys, or a guy...or by really disgusting men. This is so disturbing to me, that the only thing which comes to my head is this. I never fantasize about like one person with me, or about let's say a celebrity or a guy I think is attractive. I am wondering if I have been conditioned to kind of think about 'turn ons' or arousal in a different fashion, because my childhood was spent witnessing or overhearing things that were not normal? I want to know if others who have witnessed sexual abuse, or those who have gone through it have the same issue, or have had the same issue where their fantasies are disturbing.... And if so, how have you dealt with it, or changed it, or handled it? I don't specifically want to sit thinking about those things. I know they are hurtful, harmful, and very sick and demented. I doubt that if it happened in real life that I'd even be happy, I'd probably freak out...and be scared etc.. So in all honesty, I am disturbed that those are my thoughts; but part of me wonders if that has anything to do with my past either? I wish I could be more tame, or normal...or "romantic" in my sexual thoughts or fantasies. Sometimes I think that if I just stop my personal activities altogether, that maybe after a long time when I tried again, that I'd not think about it. But something tells me that is not true, as I have stopped in the past; it just goes back there. A part of me thinks that it may be normal for sexually abused to kind of do similar sexually abusive things to themselves long after the perpetrator is gone. Like my sister started getting into sexually abusive situations, because that was what she was taught, and was used to....long after my father was out of the picture. But the difference is, that it happened directly to her... not to me. I just witnessed that. Then again we grew up in the same household. So. Just wondering, really if anyone has gone through this kind of a thing....? And how they got past it, how they stopped it...or worked through it?