Maybe it's unhealthy, and maybe it isn't, but I find myself, more often than not, fantasizing about different ways that I could kill myself and the relief it would provide. It's the same as people spacing out and daydreaming of the beach, I do this with thoughts of hanging myself, drowning myself, shooting myself, and (most recently, as of today)drinking/eating some form of poison. I guess I just don't feel like anyone "gets" me...or my perspective on the world. I don't want to succumb to the average, mundane life that most people are happy with...and I feel like, because of that desire, I will never be happy. I spend everyday thinking and obsessing about life, existential issues, dreams, desires, passions, and I just want to scream at people walking by and say, "Why are you happy?! Don't you get it?! Look around! Think, for God's sake!" And speaking of God, I have never been so convinced that there is no such thing as a God who controls our lives...but at the same time, I am immensely mortified at the concept of Hell and worry that if I killed myself, I would go there. It's like I'm trapped in Hell on Earth, all of which is within my mind. I hope this is all making sense...see, that's the problem. I don't think anyone else thinks like me. And maybe I'm wrong...I don't know....but I really wish I had the gumption to do it, but I suppose there's still that small thread of hope that makes me wake up in the morning.