Fantasizing about killing myself...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by skyisburning, May 24, 2010.

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  1. skyisburning

    skyisburning Well-Known Member

    Maybe it's unhealthy, and maybe it isn't, but I find myself, more often than not, fantasizing about different ways that I could kill myself and the relief it would provide. It's the same as people spacing out and daydreaming of the beach, I do this with thoughts of hanging myself, drowning myself, shooting myself, and (most recently, as of today)drinking/eating some form of poison.

    I guess I just don't feel like anyone "gets" me...or my perspective on the world. I don't want to succumb to the average, mundane life that most people are happy with...and I feel like, because of that desire, I will never be happy. I spend everyday thinking and obsessing about life, existential issues, dreams, desires, passions, and I just want to scream at people walking by and say, "Why are you happy?! Don't you get it?! Look around! Think, for God's sake!" And speaking of God, I have never been so convinced that there is no such thing as a God who controls our lives...but at the same time, I am immensely mortified at the concept of Hell and worry that if I killed myself, I would go there. It's like I'm trapped in Hell on Earth, all of which is within my mind.

    I hope this is all making sense...see, that's the problem. I don't think anyone else thinks like me. :( And maybe I'm wrong...I don't know....but I really wish I had the gumption to do it, but I suppose there's still that small thread of hope that makes me wake up in the morning.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Lots of people do this it is called suicidal ideation almost becomes obessive compulsive You can get help to stop if you get therapy it does work okay get some help so your thoughts can be on happier things. take care
  3. krb_well

    krb_well Member

    When did you start feeling this way? Have you tried talking to anyone about it? Are you tired or bored with your life? I would like to know why you're feeling this way. You can talk to me, if you want. I'll try to help you.
  4. skyisburning

    skyisburning Well-Known Member

    I do see a therapist and a psychiatrist... I've been seeing my therapist for about 7 months, and I've been on anti-depressants just as long. I always thought therapy would fix my problems, and provide answers to all of my problems...but it doesn't. It was just another disappointment to add to my list of disappointments in life. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be able to talk to someone about how I feel in an unbiased and open environment...but at the end of the day, I don't feel any "better"...just more, open-minded, I suppose.

    I started fantasizing about killing myself sometime after I started seeing my seems like I'm more consumed in my own mind now than I was before I started going.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    People find happiness in all forms. You have a goal, which is more than I have. You know what a regular life is like so you can strive to not live it. Grab onto that and make that your obsession, I promise you, you will feel better.
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