I've never posted in this section before. I have had suicidal feelings before, but these are growing in intensity. Generally i shut myself down in order to cope but i don't think i want to do that anymore. I don't see the point in continuing just for the sake of it....just to (ironically) save face. Every second is getting to be extremely painful. The flashes of thoughts are becoming more formulated - where, when, how etc. I cannot go on feeling as though everything is fake, and being so disconnected from everything and everyone. I don't want to continue like this anymore. I've had enough. People may say/think it is selfish but i don't really care about how others will feel when i go; i'm so emotionally in pain that i cannot think about anyone else. Selfish and pathetic, but sadly true. Ultimately everything seem so pointless that i actually think why should i continue my life only to stop hurting others?? because the way i see it, eventually they will die to and their pain will end too. I don't believe in eternal consequences, and i don't care that i could potentially damage someone elses 'one and only' life because it will eventually disintergrate to nothingness dust anyway. I have a feeling that by saying all this people are going to attack me for being cruel and uncaring. But it is how i feel. I feel hopeless. So why am i bothering writing this and not just going and doing it? I think i read a post asking that somewhere. Well - Because even though i'm suicidal, i still desperately don't want what i feel to be true because it is so utterly painful knowing everything is pointless, and even suicide won't take away how pointless it is, it will just provide an end. The pointlessness rides through all thought and action making them in themselves meaningless. Therefore suicide seems meaningless, it is just an action. This pain stabs at my body and is making living impossible. I'm at the point where everything seems so hopeless that i don't even want to try. Therapist asked me today - do you think things can change for other people? Honest answer, no. I think you can change your job, your relationships, your home, but i don't think you can change the bigger picture, you can just make the ride a bit more comfortable. And i'm far to tired too try making it more comfortable. Ultimately i feel alone. I feel it is my responsibility to pull me through this depression, but since i am very, very tired, i can't really see that happening. The ironic thing is that people urge a suicidal person to tell someone, as though that makes things better, but it doesn't help. Noone truly cares, noone i have told has ever taken the time to help me. Perhaps i'm saying it wrong..... Suicideforum, I AM SUICIDAL.