far too tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetSurrender, Mar 9, 2009.

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  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I've never posted in this section before.

    I have had suicidal feelings before, but these are growing in intensity.

    Generally i shut myself down in order to cope but i don't think i want to do that anymore. I don't see the point in continuing just for the sake of it....just to (ironically) save face.

    Every second is getting to be extremely painful. The flashes of thoughts are becoming more formulated - where, when, how etc.

    I cannot go on feeling as though everything is fake, and being so disconnected from everything and everyone. I don't want to continue like this anymore. I've had enough.

    People may say/think it is selfish but i don't really care about how others will feel when i go; i'm so emotionally in pain that i cannot think about anyone else. Selfish and pathetic, but sadly true.

    Ultimately everything seem so pointless that i actually think why should i continue my life only to stop hurting others?? because the way i see it, eventually they will die to and their pain will end too. I don't believe in eternal consequences, and i don't care that i could potentially damage someone elses 'one and only' life because it will eventually disintergrate to nothingness dust anyway.

    I have a feeling that by saying all this people are going to attack me for being cruel and uncaring. But it is how i feel. I feel hopeless.

    So why am i bothering writing this and not just going and doing it? I think i read a post asking that somewhere. Well - Because even though i'm suicidal, i still desperately don't want what i feel to be true because it is so utterly painful knowing everything is pointless, and even suicide won't take away how pointless it is, it will just provide an end. The pointlessness rides through all thought and action making them in themselves meaningless. Therefore suicide seems meaningless, it is just an action.

    This pain stabs at my body and is making living impossible.
    I'm at the point where everything seems so hopeless that i don't even want to try.

    Therapist asked me today - do you think things can change for other people? Honest answer, no. I think you can change your job, your relationships, your home, but i don't think you can change the bigger picture, you can just make the ride a bit more comfortable. And i'm far to tired too try making it more comfortable.

    Ultimately i feel alone. I feel it is my responsibility to pull me through this depression, but since i am very, very tired, i can't really see that happening. The ironic thing is that people urge a suicidal person to tell someone, as though that makes things better, but it doesn't help. Noone truly cares, noone i have told has ever taken the time to help me. Perhaps i'm saying it wrong.....

    Suicideforum, I AM SUICIDAL.
     
  2. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    well I know how you feel :sad:

    So that makes you not alone in this..

    :hug:

    Im here for you
     
  3. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    im there with you. if you care... everything hurts so much that you want to die. if you dont care, you have no reason to hold on.

    but things get better. i know it doesnt seem like it now... im as far bottom as i can get... but i want to die happy. if i cant live happy, i want to at least die happy.

    depression sets in so hard sometimes... everything you used to enjoy means nothing... and it seems like you are all alone and no one cares...
    but that is the depression.. and you have to fight it. people do care.. more than you know, or can realize right now.

    this may be personal, but are you taking anything for depression? sometimes all it takes is a little help and you can slowly start to care again. if you are taking something, you should probably switch your meds. if not, that is always an option to consider.
     
  4. SadPandaBear

    SadPandaBear Well-Known Member

    I feel the exact same way :sad:
     
  5. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....you are not alone.. here, we ALL understand how you feel

    we understand hopelessness, despair, loneliness, and feeling as if no one cares.:hug:

    but here at s.f. we do care about you. and we all try to support each other while we search for answers, and try to get stronger. and lives can, and do change, in a heartbeat.

    it is worth it to try......i hope you stay here and get the support you need
     
  6. 21f

    21f New Member

    It made me feel physically sick that i just connected with that, i felt as if you just wrote what i was feeling but wrote it better than i ever could.
    i could tell someone, i could tell my gf, she would worry, fear she caused it and use that as a reason to back out of my life even further.
    i could tell my ex sis-in-law, she would tell my mum or tell me to talk to my gf.
    i could tell my mum, and she wouldnt take me seriously. She'd be the only one who misses me when im gone though. I dont think she's strong enough to be on her own. Major reason im still here.
    My brother wouldn't give a crap if i died. The rest of my fam would find a reason not to notice.
    From the age of 8 i could count my mates on one hand, and i always liked that i didnt have a tonne of them. but you leave high school and everyone goes into work or having kids. I went to college, fund a few new mates who then moved on to uni. i didnt. debt isnt another thing i need adding to my list.

    I cant say there are people who care around you. Cuz i cant say there are people around me. I feel alone every second. with only a dog as my one companion sometimes. And i cry around her and promise her i wont leave, but a dog. Is that really all thats keeping me. Now thats pointless.

    Couldnt you just slap some artists like pink(who i love and admire for who she is and that she speaks out and speaks her mind f**k everyone else) but for coming out with songs that start with 'i conjure up the thought of being gone'
    i cant write anymore. Finding more reasons to go. Lay there an hour ago picking my funeral song. I dont want these thoughts in my head.
     
  7. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    Feeling alone, isolated and not wanted or needed by anyone is probably the greatest pain that this world has to offer.

    Yesterday, a co-worker politely asked me how I was. I replied, "Suicidal, as always." She simply laughed and ignored what I was saying. I think she knew I was not kidding with her, but she wasn't interested in making any effort to deal with it. This is the world we live in.

    But people in a place like this do want to make the effort to get to know you better. So keep the lines of communication open. :smile:
     
  8. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Thanks to people that replied. Although, it makes me more depressed to know that there are millions of other people that are in the pain i am. What a dark world.

    The difference is between meaningless caring and true caring. The majority of people in the world i don't expect to care about me; i'm over being surprised that noone shows anything other that dutiful concerns when i tell them i'm low. Plus I don't care about other people, so why should peope care about me?

    But I have a good, supportive family who i know, logically, do care, but i don't/can't feel their love or kindness. Those emotions are meaningless to me. I shy away from hugs and kind act because they irritate me.

    I feel alone despite being surrounded by people who do love me because this depression has disconnected me from everything and everyone. To be honest i barely register your kind replies emotionally, although i can logically interpret them.

    Nicedragon and mdmefontaine - i used to think like you but the opposite, you say if you are going to die you want to die happy, i used to tell myself - if i'm not going to go through with it then i should get my life to where i want it to be. So there was a time when i used to try and battle the depression, i have tried that i just need to find the right medication and lifestyle then i would see the light at the end of the tunnel. The trouble is the depression threw me back on the floor and stamped all over me and i became self destructive and basically back-pedelled the few steps i had made. And quite honestly, i'm sick and tired of trying ridiculously hard to only move forward one measly step and then have it thrown back in my face again.

    And i don't think all the effort is worth it. The odd good time i have felt in the past is very much out-weighed by the strength it took to get to that specific experience. I'd gladly give up anything good to be rid of the bad.
     
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