'Far too young to die.'

" In these coming years, Many things will change, But the way I feel, Will remain the same."

Sometimes I sit here, and I think to myself, why am I here? Why am I still trying? Who am I trying for?

I feel like my symptoms are getting worse, can that even happen in a mental illness? In BPD?

I hurt the ones I love. The mess I will become will leave something to talk about for years to come.

Why try.

Why fight.

No more.

 

Hi Beka, pleased to meet you. You don't really want to die, but would like things to be better, especially your feelings, am I right? I understand the thoughts of your 2nd line, and know what it feels like to be asking the same (I did exactly the same when I was far too young to die), but I'm wondering if I could help you come to see that there is an answer to your 'Why' questions at the end, and the course of your trajectory can become healed and reversed - I can look back now from the advancement of years in hindsight, with the knowledge I wish I could have known back then, and want to give you a hug and some encouragement - please PM me if you'd like not to talk publicly

 

I want things to be better, but I've been told this is genetic. They told me that it will never completely go away just get easier to deal with. Majority of the time it's fine anyway because I'm pretty good at controlling my emotions as it is. Just occasional slip ups but I know that's normal. I don't want to live my life on pills because the pills I'm on now just suck, they've gotten to the point where they make my faint at work and I can't have that happening.

 

the topic title, too young to die, really strikes a cord with me.

i'm in much the same boat. i'm not even halfway through life, and i feel like everything's over all ready.

i could ask the same question, what have i got. who am i fighting for

well, the only thing i really have now is my music. i have my radio close to me, and can listen to that when ever (what ever music i want), and these forums.

i deffenetly don't have any real life friends, my family don't care if i exist or not, my mental state is to the point where i can't hold anything down for what, a day or so, and when it comes to physical, i now have no indipendence- none at all.

and people say to me... well you've got no reason to want to kill yourself

the saddest thing of all though, is not having a list of things i want to do (i know that may seem little), but when someone asks me what do you want to do in the future, my answer is, well, nothing. i want to die. that's my answer.

that just about says it all. in this big wide world of oppotunities and experiences, their is nothing that apeals to me at all.

not even if tomorrow came and i was free from illness. 1 of these people who knows what she wants now

 

Let's put family & friends to one side at the moment Beka. What about Beka? Yourself? You say you believe you are too young to die so I am guessing you are late teens/early twenties? You have your whole life ahead of you. For me at 53 I am over the hill & I really do not want to reach pension age

So Beka think about it

tc

:freehug:

 

Early twenties. Beka doesn't want to live. She doesn't want to be the way she is and she can't change therefore does not want to live anymore.

I've had my fill of life. I don't want it anymore.

 

Who told you that it will never completely go away Beka? The thing about change is, that it IS possible, despite the labels that people give you. The way out and into a more joyous experience of life, is to come to an understanding in our mind first of all that change is possible. You can fight that idea if you want to, and say it isn't - but I've had it work out for me so that I can see now that change is really, really possible - and it can happen little bits at a time. If it happened all in one go, I doubt if we'd be able to handle that, it would feel too strange...... We can work at changing our beliefs about change first of all.

 

All the doctors said it won't completely go away

 

We have a choice then hun, whether to believe the doctors absolutely, in which case we receive the label as well as the belief "unchangeable" or "unlikely to go away completely"

Or, we can make a decision, according to our human right to self-determinate, that we don't HAVE TO believe what the doctors say, and to tell our minds that it is possible for them to become free.

For example: I spent some time in a mental health unit, after my suicide attempt, completely at sea as to what was going on in my mind. Whilst there, I attended a small group headed by the hospital chaplain, who was of the opinion that people in my condition are unlikely to improve....... anyway, after ECT and some time back at home, telling my mind that no matter what it took I was going to get better, about 3 months later I was at a meeting where this chaplain was one of the speakers, and he looked at me with amazement all over his face, as if he was thinking "It can't be....... But it was! We don't have to take the doctors' words literally, because they can box us in, hun - I hope you can see that.