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Farewell folks... ^_^

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by expressive_child, Feb 5, 2008.

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  1. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member


    It’s been some time since I last posted anything here, if I remember well, my last post was in the 'Your Dream Job' forum. Well, this morning I have decided that tonight I will be writing my last thread in SF. The thing is I have been thinking about quitting SF for a long time, cause I feel like if I don't belong here, then I won't belong anywhere else in this world because fact remains I am better off dead. I am already certain that nothing can change this, so it’s only a matter of time before my life (that shouldn't even have existed in the first place) has to be over somehow. It has to be. There ain't no choices nor happy endings. Nothing like miracles or divine intervention will ever happen or whatever people like to call it. I don’t care if I am going to hell; I am taking chances so to speak.

    I am tired of talking about the way I feel only to end up feeling the same way over and over again. I am not only an extremely troubled guy, I am myself a trouble. And despite the fact that many have gone or are going through only half or less than the pain I feel each day, they still end up taking their lives or give up completely even though they have loving parents and other people who care for them. As for me, what have I got? Nothing. Name every good thing in this world and I have to face the cruel fact that I have none of that. I have to assume that tomorrow will be bleak and again, another unchangeable reality. Sometimes I feel like sorrows and heartache must be running in my blood. Or maybe it’s in my genes because it seem to me, I can only face it alone after all. What can I say?

    I can be sure that there is no use in trying to live, love is no friend of mine but loneliness will always remain in me. Some time ago, I have started to live life as if there is no tomorrow and for me, I am more than ready to die now. In fact, I wish I have a reason not to take my own life, I wish I can just die in other ways, like getting murdered by some hired assassin or something. But if I am diagnosed with an incurable disease like final stage cancer, then I will undoubtedly take my own life without hesitation because this will only make things easier. Anyway I look at it, I have no more desire to live, I wish I have a gun right now cause I will undoubtedly put a bullet in my head, cause I know it’s not going to hurt after all.

    Too bad, there is no way I can get a gun in where I live. I will be 24 in a few months, and I don’t want to be older than 24 for too long, or maybe I don’t want to be 24 even cause I’ve had enough of this heartache already. I have always been looking for a reason to live, but now, its only right that I give up searching cause its not there. I will miss everyone of you whether you all hate or don’t hate me, I know I have cause some people to feel uncomfortable in some ways and again, I can only blame myself as always. As for me, death truly is the answer. Life only brings me torment, so only in death, I might find peace of mind cause I guess that’s what matters to me all my life. Since I won’t find it in this world, where else can I turn to but the oblivion?

    Guess its all I can say though I know, there is so much more left to say. Goodbye and for the last time lets do this with me -


    Gloomy Sunday

    Sunday is gloomy,
    My hours are slumberless
    Dearest the shadows
    I live with are numberless
    Little white flowers
    Will never awaken you
    Not where the black coaches
    Sorrow has taken you
    Angels have no thoughts
    Of ever returning you
    Wouldn't they be angry
    If I thought of joining you?

    Gloomy Sunday

    Gloomy is Sunday,
    With shadows I spend it all
    My heart and I
    Have decided to end it all
    Soon there'll be candles
    And prayers that are said I know
    But let them not weep
    Let them know that I'm glad to go
    Death is no dream
    For in death I'm caressing you
    With the last breath of my soul
    I'll be blessing you

    Gloomy Sunday

    Dreaming, I was only dreaming
    I wake and I find you asleep
    In the deep of my heart here
    Darling I hope
    That my dream never haunted you
    My heart is telling you
    How much I wanted you

    Gloomy Sunday...

    Sepulchral Hues

    Fragments of the past aesthetically afloat..
    Shadows and mists waltzing nonchalantly..
    Stars tintinnabulating in glorious harmony,
    with the marches of Saints and Holy Ghost,
    as dreary incantations wails upon the skies,
    painted in gloomy hues of pale ghastly gray..

    Words of existentialism swirl frantically..
    My emotions twisted, thoughts unveiled,
    as clandestine tears gently caress my cheeks,
    and my weary lips, that smiles wretchedly..
    Staring at my bleached, ghoulish reflection,
    as I dive into the surrealisms of my clouds..

    The ravens and crows are fluttering freely..
    White lilies dancing gracefully in the field,
    as sepulchral rhymes wail athwart the void..
    The darkness has engulfed the Holy Light..
    Desires and dreams adrift in the obscurities,
    of forsaken prayers, of yearnings deprived..

    Soon, it will be candles, requiems, lullabies,
    for no Angels, nor Fairies will embrace me..
    Glaring at heaven’s eye that dims before me,
    and the undertaker’s chime clangs morosely,
    as frigid winds enthuse my undying despair,
    as idealisms succumb to sensibility’s scream...
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2008
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry that all your effort and determination has only led you to the place you are today. I wish you could stay put I understand why you can't. I hope that things turn around for you and when they do, know that you are always loved here and will be welcomed back with caring arms to embrace you back to the fold.
  3. Don't give up mate, you never know what could come around the corner, you're only 24 and although it may not seem like it, there's still a whole load of potential left in you. Try thinking back to the dreams you had as a kid, I bet you most of them are still achievable for you now. Why not get together as much money as you can and just set off around the world, I imagine that, if anything, would make you re-evaluate things and help you see the beauty still left in the world.
  4. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello, I liked talking with you and I would like to talk to you again. Stay safe child :hug:
  5. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Please don't do it you're being very hard on yourself! There must be something worth living for, it's human nature to find it. Please don't do this, can you talk to anybody nearby about it?
  6. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    You aren't the only person here that doesn't feel like they fit in. Even though we're all in the same stranded boat in a wide open sea, bitter and hopeless, there still somehow seems to be isolation in the ranks and frankly I don't understand one bit of it. I really apologize if I offend someone by saying this, but I feel like there isn't anybody here willing to listen to reason of any kind and it's starting to make me sick. It's so tiring to approach people, whether here or in real life, when I know that they're hurting and just have them shoot me down (almost out of spite it seems) and make me feel like an idiot for even trying. I mean why not just shut the hell up and hear me out instead of just checking "no, no, no" next to every sentence I write like it's some piece of spam mail I'm trying to sell off to you?

    Now I won't sit here on the computer and try to blow sunshine up your ass about all the things you have to live for. You come across as intelligent enough to have it figured out on your own. You're also 3 years my senior. What I don't like is how you and others here are actually pompous enough to talk as though your life is just as bad as everyone elses despite the fact that we are all suffering very horribly from very different issues (which are sometimes similar as well). It's like passing judgement unto me and anyone else that has a hard time and just using yourself as means to do it.

    Your happy-go-lucky attitude and seemingly calm demeanor about taking your own life has a way of haunting me to my very soul. Once again I am struck with the feeling of being helpless to pull you out of this mode and get your mind to understand that there ARE fragile beautiful things in this world that it would be an utter disgrace to miss. But that's not what you want to hear. What you want to hear is how that your life is hard and that you're better off just quitting without ever looking back. Well If you think I'm going to tell you that suicide is a good choice then you might as well stand up and do a backflip, stop in mid air, force your body to rotate into a gravity defying front flip/somersault combo that's spectacular enough to win you gold medals and go platinum 5x times over if you make a music CD out of it--it's just not going to happen. What I will tell you is that you're right about one thing. We ARE on our own and we ARE alone. No one's coming to save me or you and they're not going to fix either of our problems. People like us can't afford to lose hope because everytime it happens we never know if we'll be able to pull ourselves back out far enough to even pretend to function correctly before we get stuck with some fat Counsellor telling us a bunch of crap we don't want to listen to. There are those that help and support one another at times but at the end of the day when the dust settles we are truly alone with faith in nothing but ourselves. And without that we're worthless in every way imaginable.

    I have to have hope and faith in myself, by myself, day after day. Faith to stay alive and constantly walk the fine line before me and vow to do the right thing. Not because I want to...because there are others who depend on me. Adults and children alike. Maybe you just don't shoulder that kind of responsibility. Or you've gotten to the point that this thing has gotten so bad that you just don't care. Either way it's wrong and it hurts. It hurts me to tears.

    If you're still here then tell me that you at least acknowledged what I had to say. I demand that you at least give me that much.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2008
  7. youv'e put up a lot of posts in this forum, so you have probably been around here for a while and read a few that are just like yours. I'm pretty new here, i'm not suicidal maybe depressed, and maybe a little angry at my status, but the one thing i don't think i am, and the thing that seems to really bother a lot of people who post here, is lonely'. Even though i have been alone affectively for over 40 years.(i'm 47) I do sometimes crave other peoples company, but unfortunately my personality and looks arn't much to attract company, but what i have is a tv to observe, a computer to enjoy, i work when i'm skint, i don't engage people whom make it obvious they don't want to engage me, i ignore the ignorant, i pass no compliments to people who don't deserve them, i don't lick ass, i pay only the bills that are neccessary for comfort, i rip-off loan companies who beseech me to spend there money, i ignore any requests for repayment, i don't look at people who only want to be looked at because they want to be acknowleged for there looks, (cause they don't look at me ; ) ect...all done to a backdrop of what most people in this forum would concider utter and complete abandonment and loneliness, and a good reason to kill themselves...maybe as they see it, it is a good reason to 'end it all' but as for as i'm concerned, it is especially for anyone under 60 a very much pre-mature insane decision, your life can and will be changed if you give it time, even if its only that the pain will be numded before it dissappeares...
  8. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I can assure you that he's not passing judgment.

    It really is too bad that you feel you need to stay away from this forum... I truly hope that you, someday, will feel able to receive some hope...

    I'm keeping in contact with him, by the way, via SMS, for anyone worried... but I am not going to, somehow, force him from ending his life, by whatever means that'd be... it's a decision that has to be respected, even though I deeply hope he will find some hope, soon... I'm certain it isn't impossible, too... just like it is for me, it is very unlikely, but it's not impossible. Of course, I cannot keep up hope, forever, either.
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