Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by jnick, Nov 4, 2012.

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  1. jnick

    jnick Well-Known Member

    I have finally had enough. Am I actually so detached from the world that I have resorted to posting anonymous dribble on a suicide forum? My scarred skin caused my anxiety that was medicated with benzodiazepines, the benzos contributed to my alcoholism, my lack of inhibitions and a sick mind led me to shooting heroin with a junkie I do not know after a night of intoxication. Black out. OD? Wake up in projects in someones front yard. Call cab. I woke up with alcohol/benzo/heroin withdrawal so bad I could not be still with people telling me "a plane just hit the world trade center towers." I am not from NY. I did all the backtiming and guess what? That needle went in my arm within minutes of the first plane. I have never been a junky. In fact that was probably my fourth time doing heroin. Coincidence? Hep C as a result. I have scarred my face up by incessantly rubbing it because I have OCD. My television career went to shit when I decided to "get help." You see, they treat you like shit in rehab if you take benzos, even if you have maintained a low dose and not abused them. When released they screwed with my meds ultimayely resulting in job loss. Ten years of work for nothing. College for nothing. Six years of making no money and a destructive relationship with an extremely BPD alcoholic I met in AA. Drank to avoid suicide and ended up in jail with a small bond. Stayed for thirty days because I didnt fucking care anymore. Protracted benzodiazepine withdrawal after 15 yrs of physical dependence...look it up folks it aint pretty. I missed a boatload of other fabulous experiences. Suffice it to say that if you have brutal OCD and neglectful parents that ignore terrible acne your life is going to suck. The only way I could really operate was through a tough guy stance. Trust me, if you have not experienced it do not even try and empathize, you simply cannot fathom the pain. I have this new scarring on my chin after years of no acne because my OCD made me wig out about my face BDD, OCD, whatever. I am no longer afraid of death, and life will be just more of the same pain. I could just be tough about it, but you know what? Ive been doing that shit for twenty years and I am tired of it. It is not a life worth living. I became confident for a number of years as I am an attractive fellow but fuckin cant stand these new scars. Its been 3 years of this torture everyday. Cant look in the mirror without extreme anxiety or anger, so I avoid it. I shave like every two weeks. I cannot go on any longer. Its down to the method now. I cant OD <mod edit - method> without other substances in conjuction. Dont have a <mod edit - method>but it was a half ass attempt. Why must this be so difficult? I think the jesus christ fairy tale plays into it in several ways. First off the hell story they scared me with when I was a child is still in the recesses of my mind regardless of how much i think christianity is pure idiocy. Dont fuck kids up with your insane delusions, it qualifies as abuse. Secondly, this christian based oligarchy we actually call a society restricts our access to humane, dignified ways to end life or live it. I would much rather take a lethal dose of <method> and die peacefully at home with my family than <method>. What a rant, I could have just written fuck everyone on my chest and done the deed. That human "hey look at me, care about me" nonsense is just so deeply ingrained in our heads we cannot escape it. < not in guidelines>
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2012
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    It doesn't sound like you're having a very easy time of it at the moment lovely, please hold on and keep talking to us here :hug:
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, jnick. Sorry to hear of the troubles you have had and are having. :hug: Hope you'll hold on and keep posting - releasing what we've kept in can help in its own way.
  4. Suisingle

    Suisingle Account Closed

    Maybe that's what God really wants from us. To turn and face the brutes, the wild baboons, the wolves who are always at our door
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sent you a PM...please let me know if I can be there for you...pain is not a contest, and although, we have not traveled the same journey, I do understand how painful it can be
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun I am so sorry you are so low right now and you are so full of pain. Please know people here do understand and i hope you continue to reach out here ok hugs
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