Not sure where my life went wrong ... have many people I can blame but I suppose ultimately it is down to me. I now feel that I can get no happiness in this life and as there is no overnight solution then I am not sure I can really put up with the day to day drudgery for much longer. I am a 38 Gay Male and although I have accepted that I am Gay, I do hate the fact but it is not a choice I made and I cannot change the fact nor be untrue to myself or fool others. I am now 20+ stone (some sort of defense mechanism, I guess), alcoholic, have no friends, unemployed, live life like a hermit, have no self respect or esteem, hate being around people and feel depressed most of the time and more recently have thoughts about ending my life. When I say I am an alcholic, I drink to excess every night (2-3 bottles of wine) but I do not crave nor drink during the day. In fact I can (and have) nothing to drink for weeks with no ill effects. However I have been doing this now for over 10 years and my body is now starting to suffer and I get aches and pains all over and I am pretty sure now that I have some permanent liver damage (not diagnosed, I hate doctors). Don/t get me wrong, I have had good things in my life, have been in love (and lost it), had a good career and salary, travelled many places and have some close family but I have also been let down and hurt by many people and have no trust in anyone (this includes family). I was employed until March of this year and since then I have been living off savings. Because of my weight and lack of self esteem, I now class myself as unemployable. I virtually live each day in my flat and mainly sleep until it gets dark then I will go out and get some wine, a take away & snacks and then watch TV till I fall asleep .... then all do it all again the next day. Life is so boring, I climb the walls each day and not sure how much longer I can do this. Over the past few days I have been looking at putting my house in order by packing all my belongings and looking into storage costs. I have been looking at funeral plans so that I can pre-pay and not have to burden anyone after my death. I have also been thinking about the people that have affected my life (good or bad) and plan to make a list of names with a short comment about each. Then comes the death part which is the most scary as although it would end my pain it would cause a lot of pain for my parents (especially my Mother). I do not want to cause them pain and I do love them dearly but I cannot wait for them to die so that I can feel less guilty about any action I take to end my own life and I try to reassure myself that in the end it will be all good as I will not have to live a life of unhappiness anymore. Although I am not planning to end my life in the next few days, I do think it would be better in the long run and I will spend one last Xmas with my parents/family and come the new year I hope to have everything in order so that I can make that decision of when and how I will end my life. Taking my own life does not scare me but how to do it without pain and with success does. If I can't do it then I am sure the liver damage will get me in the end. Thanks for listening, FatBob.