FatBob - The Final Journey.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ByeByeBob, Nov 15, 2006.

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  1. ByeByeBob

    ByeByeBob New Member

    Not sure where my life went wrong ... have many people I can blame but I suppose ultimately it is down to me.

    I now feel that I can get no happiness in this life and as there is no overnight solution then I am not sure I can really put up with the day to day drudgery for much longer.

    I am a 38 Gay Male and although I have accepted that I am Gay, I do hate the fact but it is not a choice I made and I cannot change the fact nor be untrue to myself or fool others.

    I am now 20+ stone (some sort of defense mechanism, I guess), alcoholic, have no friends, unemployed, live life like a hermit, have no self respect or esteem, hate being around people and feel depressed most of the time and more recently have thoughts about ending my life.

    When I say I am an alcholic, I drink to excess every night (2-3 bottles of wine) but I do not crave nor drink during the day. In fact I can (and have) nothing to drink for weeks with no ill effects.

    However I have been doing this now for over 10 years and my body is now starting to suffer and I get aches and pains all over and I am pretty sure now that I have some permanent liver damage (not diagnosed, I hate doctors).

    Don/t get me wrong, I have had good things in my life, have been in love (and lost it), had a good career and salary, travelled many places and have some close family but I have also been let down and hurt by many people and have no trust in anyone (this includes family).

    I was employed until March of this year and since then I have been living off savings. Because of my weight and lack of self esteem, I now class myself as unemployable.

    I virtually live each day in my flat and mainly sleep until it gets dark then I will go out and get some wine, a take away & snacks and then watch TV till I fall asleep .... then all do it all again the next day. Life is so boring, I climb the walls each day and not sure how much longer I can do this.

    Over the past few days I have been looking at putting my house in order by packing all my belongings and looking into storage costs. I have been looking at funeral plans so that I can pre-pay and not have to burden anyone after my death.

    I have also been thinking about the people that have affected my life (good or bad) and plan to make a list of names with a short comment about each.

    Then comes the death part which is the most scary as although it would end my pain it would cause a lot of pain for my parents (especially my Mother).

    I do not want to cause them pain and I do love them dearly but I cannot wait for them to die so that I can feel less guilty about any action I take to end my own life and I try to reassure myself that in the end it will be all good as I will not have to live a life of unhappiness anymore.

    Although I am not planning to end my life in the next few days, I do think it would be better in the long run and I will spend one last Xmas with my parents/family and come the new year I hope to have everything in order so that I can make that decision of when and how I will end my life.

    Taking my own life does not scare me but how to do it without pain and with success does. If I can't do it then I am sure the liver damage will get me in the end.

    Thanks for listening,

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2006
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Bob, none of what you've said can't be changed.

    You can lose weight.
    The drinking is still under your control because you can stop (an alcoholic can't).
    You've had love...you can again
    You've had a career .... you can again.

    like you I've been very hurt and trust will forever be an issue with me, but life has a way of throwing things at us unexpectedly. Maybe we're due for something good.

    Sort out your diet, stop drinking and when you feel better about how you look and feel, go from there. I just went down 3 dress sizes, still got a couple of stone to go, but am sure (as long as I manage to stay away from those darn doughnuts) that I'll get to the size I want.

    You can do it and we'll support you all the way.
  3. ByeByeBob

    ByeByeBob New Member

    I have tried to stop drinking, lose weight, exercise and change my life and it all goes ok for a while and then the depression sets in again.

    I have been to the doctors, counselling, had a personal trainer and tried many other things but in the end it has all failed.

    It's a vicious circle that I am really fedup of following and can see no way of breaking it forever.
  4. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you feel such despair Bob, :hug:
    We are here to support you as you search for a positive way to improve your life.

    :hug: Hazel
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok Bob, I've got a ways to go and whats that foul word you used...EXERCISE !!!

    Maybe we can help each other. Set timetables for the unspeakable word, discuss menus etc.

    Here's my email if you're interested in having a diet and (UGH) exercise partner.

  6. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Exercise is a great idea, but its hard on your own, at least thats what I find. My psych recommended I get an hour a day...and ive done that maybe 2 days out of 7 lol...Having someone to encourage you, and mentor you, would make it easier. I find it difficult to get motivated..even though I know its a good thing, and I have one of these bodies that only really feels good after its been flogged.

    I agree with the above posters. All your issues can be solved Bob.

    You can loose weight...millions of people have.
    You can get your career back on track, or retrain in something else...people do this all the time now.
    You can find love again.
    You can have friends again as well.

    Its hard I know. Where all here for you bud ;)

    If you ever wanna chat...my MSN is in my profile.
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Bob;

    I have to agree with all the replies to your post. These are all 'things' that can be changed, but it does take some effort. Have you ever tried medication for depression? If not, it's worth a try. There are so many different meds these days that if one doesn't work for you, it's a safe bet that there's one out there that will work.:smile: Depression itself makes all your other situations worse cause it saps your energy and make everything seem far away and unattainable. If you can get rid of most of the depression with meds and/or counseling it'll make the other goals seem a bit easier to reach, and you'll have more energy to FEEL LIKE trying to achieve them. Please don't give up.:smile: We're here to support you when you need friendship and compassion. We're experienced listeners and WE CARE!!:smile:

    Keep coming back here to let off steam and make friends. We're a good (and humble:wink: ) bunch of folks and we're here FOR YOU!!:smile: :smile:

    all the best,

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