'Father' and 'brother' comin'

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by betteroffunknown, Jun 12, 2016.

  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I've known for a while to expect my 'father' and 'brother'. Legally they hold those names, but to me they're anything but. No one on that side of my 'family' have EVER cared or even tried to get to know me!!! My 'brother' doesn't want anything to do with me, and although for years and years I longed for a relationship with him (he's 6yrs my senior) he's NEVER cared to be a part of my life, so about 1.5yrs ago I let go of the hope I had held for so long. That's when I both realized and accepted it was NEVER going to happen. Now I just figure if he doesn't want anything to do with me why should I want anything to do with him? Ya know? He doesn't even deserve to wear the title of brother in my book cuz he's never actually been one!!!!

    Well, our 'father' (who's literally never been there for me, either) is moving 3/4 of the way across the country to live with his son (my 'brother'), and my 'father' wants to drop off stuff for me (that I don't even want!) and to take my kids and I out to dinner. They'll be here a couple days then will be off again. This is just the stop along the way.

    I'm absolutely dreading the idea of seeing them!!!! I don't know how to prepare for this!! I'm fearful I'm gonna pop off (verbally) on both of them while they're here.

    My pdoc has prescribed a separate anxiety med I can take while they're here, but I'm not sure that's gonna be enough. I've put up with their abuse via neglect my entire life which is especially brutal given I was adopted. Nothing like being chosen yet not accepted!!!! It's a contradiction in and of itself.

    I'm trying not to stress about this, but I totally am. I'm really even dreading the thought of them being here. I'd tell them to stay away, but I haven't told them where I stand on all this, but I also know for a fact it'd totally go over their heads and they won't care anyways. And after all, legally they are my 'family'. What a joke!!!
  2. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My father was "man" enough to conceive me but not raise me as his own. Both my mother and father thought it best that my grandparents raise my brother and I. Though my brother and I related we are nothing alike. I left home at 19 and never looked back. He still lives with my grandmother and they share every holiday, every birthday, and here I am apart from them. I prefer it that way, though. I did bring this on myself and so the neglect and years of non-inclusion were largely due to the fact that I wanted to raise my family apart from their influence, whether good or bad. I have a beautiful wife and two loving children and neither of them know my family. I don't miss the non-existent texts on fathers day, or their attempt at a birthday cards. I have my own life and I don't think much of it. I pray that you are able to find that place where you can grow and thrive without their toxicity getting the better of you. It sounds like you need some peace and rest from what you've seen as neglect. I hope you are able to find that rest and finally move on with gladness in your life.
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sometimes adoption can put either side in a weird position. Maybe your brother is trying to mend the rift and doesn't know how to relate to you. Its your life and its up to you to accept his visit or not. Or just look it as a casual friend stopping by to say a random hello and bye. Nothing more, nothing less. As for your "father" same thing, just a random person in your life stopping in to say hello as you let it go already. Be proud of yourself and a family of your own that you created, your happiness does not depend on them. Sometimes its nice to see how they aged to satisfy that genetic questions you might have.
  4. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    They visited almost a month ago now. Instead of taking me and my kids to dinner as they said they would, they went to dinner with friends instead. They brought me a sub sandwich, never saw my kids (which was definitely better that way) hung out for a half hour then left. It was a very chilly visit.

    While undoubtedly it was an insulting visit by them at the same time I'm SO thankful I will never see them again.

    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  5. I'm very sorry, I completely missed the post date. I'm glad you're past this point and can move on with your life.
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    No worries about missing the date! Sadly, it is a blessing that it's this way. I don't believe it's how adoption was/is intended to work, but it doesn't change the fact that it has worked this way for me. Oh the joys of striking out twice when it comes to having that part of a family, but it does make me extra grateful for my kids!!
    ICanSpellThornwell likes this.