Father, Can you hear me?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Nuri, Apr 17, 2007.

  1. Nuri

    Nuri Well-Known Member

    I guess you're all thinking "Oh no, not another oppressive rant from a stupid adolescent teenager who was branded a failure since the day he was born, which happens to be; the 3rd of August 1990 at 3:00 AM."

    Well you're right; I'm stupid, I'm a failure, I'm adolescent, I'm fucked up, I don't deserve the air that I'm inhaling right now, I don't deserve anything good in this world, or atleast, that's the way my Father see's me.

    My father used to be a man of generosity, courtesy, understanding and various other desirable traits. He was a true father figure and if only he knew how much I respected him and how much I wanted to be exactly like of him, when I was younger.

    That's all changed now though, I don't recognise him anymore, I haven't been able to recognise him since I was 8, who is this man that claims to be my Father and pays the bills, just so my sorry arse can exist? All he ever does now is belittle my Brother, my Mother and myself, as well as, constantly arguing with every single one of us and of course, forcing his oppressive healthy regime upon each and every one of us. He finds it hard to understand why my elder Brother is so arrogant, well, It's easy to understand for me, the seed doesn't fall too far from the tree.

    I can't get a word in anymore whilst attempting to talk to him, it's as if he never wanted a second Son and I wouldn't blame him, who would want me as a Son, I'm an abomination, in every sense of the word.

    Just to emphasise on how much of a Failure I am - I've never passed a single test or exam at School, I failed all of my GCSE's and I didn't even manage to get a D in either of them - Most of them were foundation exams (The easy ones), as well.

    My social and conversational skills are less than desirable, I'm probably one of the shyest and most quiet people that you've ever met; I stammer, I stutter and I mumble. I have trouble starting, maintaining and ending conversations, I have no idea what to say or what to talk about. I try to hide from other people because of my fear of being judged by people, just like I judge myself.

    I hate myself and with every bone in my body, my self-esteem is so incredibly low and has been for a very long time.

    Anyway, here I am, sitting down infront of my Computer with a bandage on my right ankle and I was meant to be going to College today but no, my clumsy arse had to go and kick one of the heavy leather chairs downstairs because I felt like I was being deceived by my College; I hate being deceived. For all I know and knowing my luck; that's the end of my ambitions, dreams and everything else.

    Did my Dad even care that I was hurt this morning? Nope, not one bit, he just stormed off, slammed the front door and went to work.

    I miss my 'old' Dad, I hate the 'new' one, if only the 'new' one could see how much I miss the 'old' one, new doesn't mean it's going to be better, especially in this case.

    The sooner I get myself a weekend job, enough money to survive on and move out, the better.

    I'm rambling, I'm going to shut up now, it's something I should of done a long time ago and I'm sorry for being the world's biggest and most hopeless failure.

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2007
  2. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    I hate my father since i was born, he never talk to me,never gave money to me,even never argue or try to beat me,just dindn't care. He is fucking alckoholic. I'm 25 and still live with him since i have no job and haven't graduated yet, and live in most poor country in Europe. I want to move out as well, but i'm to much depressed that i can't learn, since graduating is my only way out.
    I'm have no social skills as well,and since i have moved alot i have no much friends eighter, so i think i'm the biggest failur on this planet.

    You are much younger and there is still chance for you, and maybe you get your older dad again,...you'll pick up you self esteem by the time...just hold on...If you want to talk i'll be glad although my language isn't well...
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Callum.. you shouldn't be sorry.
    It's sad that the man you admire so much has changed so much, hopefully he can change again too..
    Good luck with finding a job!
  4. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :( You're not stupid, nor hopeless nor a failure at all. Far from it. From the chats we have had there is no doubt in my mind that you are intelligent and a lovely person, inside and out, if only you could see that. I wish you could because I am not lying. :hug: Hopefully one day (soon) you will realise that you are not worthless or anything of the sort, you have made a big impact in my life. You are helpful, supportive, friendly, warm, lovable, intelligent, imaginative, you are the greatest best friend one can wish for. It may seem like I'm just saying these things, but I'm not.

    Your dad does seem like a handful, and I hope he will give you a break. Do you think you could try talking to him when he's in a good mood, or write a letter to explain your feelings and how you think he's changed? Maybe you could ask your mum to talk to him or you can talk to him together.

    Don't give up, things will be ok. Your dreams are not over, they may not have started but they CAN and they WILL. Things will be ok, and I'm here for you every step of the way if you'll let me. I hope your ankle gets better soon. :hug:
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Callum, just a thought, but people changing into angry oppressive tryants usually = deeply unhappy, unfulfilled, my needs are not met (not always true but tis how they feel) people.
    Hard to do I know, but try to step back from him for a bit and watch him. Is he overly tense, does he smile, does he ever laugh, are his shoulders hunched etc??
    Not saying it will change anything but if you understand a thing or person it often makes it easier to live with.
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    First off you are not stupid and in my eyes you are no a failure. You are not stupid or a failure. I don't think you are "fucked up" I think you have issues and sadness and hurt and anger..but you are not fucked up. :hug: you are sweetheart who has just lost his way and I hope sooner or later you find your way out of the darkness and find happiness because you DO deserve it whether you see that or not

    Over the years people do change sometimes not for the better. Your father may be stressed out because he is working so hard to support a family and in times that stress turns into anger..trust me my father is like that now. I think deep down your father loves you Callum, he's just so consumed with the shittiness of this world that he can't seem to find his way out. As for belittling you, your mom and brother, I can't explain that other than stress and he's taking it out on the wrong people, he's taking it out on the people he cares about which isn't healthy for any of you or good for that matter. AND you are not a sorry arse. :hug: i hate that you think of yourself so negatively. :sad: :sad:

    YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. i repeat YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. So what you didnt pass a test, I graduated(i know our schooling is different) by the skin of my teeth. Our principal told me I was damn lucky that i passed b/c it wasnt looking good, doesnt mean today that im a failure it means i just didn't try hard enough. You have social anxiety doesn't make you a bad person, makes you afraid to talk. when i read out loud i stutter and stammer and i get fidgety and nervous..Im not a bad person just nervous, same applies to you. I love you Callum just so you know. :hug:

    Why did you kick a chair? What did the chair do anything to you?? Why couldn't you go to college b/c of your foot? Solving issues by kicking, punching, hitting things will only hurt you not the inanimate objects you hit. Why do you think you are being decieved by teh school THAT IS NOT THE END OF YOUR DREAMS. You create your dreams, you thrive on them, you achieve them. YOU and only YOU can end your dreams by not reaching for them. Maybe by your dad storming out like that(and i know i don't know him or anything that's happened) but maybe he was at a loss becuase his son is hurting so bad that he doesn't know what to do anymore. Maybe he feels so awful and at a loss because he can't help you. You never know hun?!

    I know you miss your old dad, maybe you should talk to him about it and tell him he's changed or write him a letter so that way he can't ignore what youa re saying to him. I think once you get a job and save up money and move out a whole new world will open up for you. Please have faith that it will hun, than once that happens reach for the stars and get those dreams of yours. Love you to bits my lil bro. Stay safe and be strong. I know that Callum is somewhere inside of you.

    Love yah to bits