father caught me before I got to the no return point...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by engravefeelthevoid, Aug 15, 2007.

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  1. All the doors were shut in my face, i was depressed, thinking about suicide for two years untill i was desensitized, ending my own life was a natural thought to me, I had been studying for my highschool final exams for a two months without a breather, My best friend left me, my family was selfish and inconsiderate, things between my parents were and are still screwed, my classmates did not respect me and gave me a hard time, whereever i went, I was faced with mockery and rejection, the situation has been like that for a looong time, more than 16 years, I am 18 now, that assisted, it was may 16th 2007, I was studying for my last ever school exam and was optimistic, I put my feelings aside and studied, my father was watching TV, when the commercials came he came to me and threatedned me that if i dont go with them camping, he'd beat me, I couldn't say a word from fear, I was paralysed and shocked, all my suicidal feelings came back to me, I had been watching a clip from a movie labelled with "the bitter end"...I slept

    morning came i told my mom, she told me to forget it, my dad called me to the car where i sat heading to my exam, he asked me why i was like that, i told him he didnt have to know, he considered it disrespect and humiliated me like no one has ever done before, I have seriously never been humiliated for that long this way, I was dead inside and knew I had to end my life, It was all planned but on pause just incase i ever considered it, road kill on the highway, yes that simple...

    I went inside the school classroom, with the face of a dead man, no smiling, no feelings, nothing, not tlaking ot anyone, I washed my face but it did me no good, the exam started...I should have cried before the exam started, it would've made me feel better, but i just went tinside, i couldnt focus and i didnt answer teh way i could have, i could have gotten a ful mark, I didn't finish the paper, during the exam, I saw a flock of crows circling in the sky, i opened the dictionary to get the term "bitrate", it wasn't there, instead the word "bitter end was there", it was my time, seeing the word dripped a tear, i remembered te scene from that show, how sad and painful and intense it was, the translation made me drip another tear.."the ultimate end no matter how painful or how lethal", the third tear was dropped, I saved it with my hand to keep my exam paper clean, and i licked it, it was unusually bitter, what a bitter sky, what a bitter day...I knew I had to execute my attempt,

    I finished the exam, everyone was screaming with joy and laughter, I walked outside not tlaking to anyone nor saying goodbye to anyone, i hit the one way road walking in the flaming sun, it was a 400 meters road, after that it separated into three roads, perfect for me to move in a way so that my father cannot see me when he comes to pick me up, i did not know why but i told him to come 30 mins later than my exam,

    i walked unable to cry from shock, when i crossed 350 meters somethinginside me told me to walk faster, I did, when i got 395 meters away from school, my fathers car came and he saw me, i was shocked even more, i got into the car, he had no idea what was gonna happen, he talked slowly, i couldn't talk, my tongue was twisted, i went home and slept on the bed, my mom let him leave me, they decided not to take me camping, i stayed at home, and cried like never before.....

    eversince that day, may 17th 2007, my soul has been dead, i did not reach a level of selling my life cheap untill i had given up my intrests, my motivation, my ambitions, my principles, i had sold life as a whole, it had no meaning to me anymore...I was dead, my suicide attempt had technically failed, but psychologically succeeded, I am afraid that snother incident like that will just push me off the edge, I am very scared and do not know what to do...I am depressd, i cant sleep, I cant eat, i cant do anything, universities are soon, and i dont think they will go better than school, some may call me a child, but you have probably not seen my life...
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It sounds as if you have not had many happy times in your life. i am sorry to hear that you have suffered for so long. Try not to let that color you as you slip into adulthood. Sometimes we find that some of the ridicule and things that existed in our childhood lives do not exist in our adult lives. If you change locations and assume a frsh start, maybe things can change for you. I hope you are able to find something to hold on to that makes your life worth living enough to give it a longer chance. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. :hug:
     
  3. at the moment it is even harder to hold on to something to live for, before my attempt, I had atleast a small amount of intrests, ambitions and plans, but while attempting my suicide, all those went away, and since i survived, they are not back to me, i have lost them and am havin a hard time to recover, I have been trying to start a new beginning, but things are just the same, I'm not getting used to the constant humiliation and dissapointment, and being treated as an inferior human being...it is harder for me to live than to die at the moment, but everytime i'm getting thoughts, I am occupying myself with something, soon it will be too strong for me to forget...
     
  4. Mike Meyers

    Mike Meyers Member

    I know what its like to be dead inside and scared that a bad event will push you over the edge. I don't know what to tell you. There are no good cliches that actually work in this situation.

    All I can say is that maybe if you make minor improvements in your life wherever you can, than 3, 5, 10 years down the road you will be happy to be alive. But yeah, sadly it sounds like it will not be great soon.

    University is totally different than high school. I don't know what country you are in, but in the US the social climate is totally different. And they have good mental health counseling if you are interested.
     
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