father figure

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AfterFact, Apr 26, 2012.

  1. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I forgot to clean my room before I went to school. When I got him Dad got on to me saying its dirty every single dayhhe. I objected to that and after that it became all about spoiled entitled me and how I am Disrespectful and he is my father and he is right and I am wrong. We have these one-sided arguments almost every single day. My dad has borderline personality disorder, bipolar,seziure disorder,ADHD he had two strokes in the last year. Any self-control was lost when his job became uncertain and he lost control tobhis own body, thus why he has gotten dramatically worse in the last 6 monthi was sick of letting ms. Mentally as his son I am exactly the same. I have borderline personality disorder,bipolar,ADHD,depression,social anxiety disorder. I have tried to be respectful, control myself circa year with him. But everyday he gets worse. We have arguments daily, he always finds a way to assert whatever power he has left over me. Once he slapped me, I let him do that, but even that hasn't changed anything. I can be quiet and he will tell me to stop raising my voice. He remind me that everything I have can be taken away because he is my father. Yesterday we fought over my dirty room, so stupid to argue about but yet he found a way to paint me in the worse way possible. I was defensive, he was saying things I knew not to be true. I talked back, he was in my face now, I was tired of being disrespected, treated like a five year old child, a person that wasn't his son but the only thing Dad could control in his life. I screamed, I unleashed my anger at him, my frustration. I saw his hand tighten, he raised it, he was going to hit me, opened handed meant to stop not harm, but i was tired, I was tired of being nagged and nagged, yelled at every fucking day. I blocked him, I grabed his hand, I blindly hit the general location of his face. One single hit. He quickly put me in that he thought was a sleeperhold, in reality he was choking Mr, I couldn't breathe. I broke out of it several times, not hiring him but trying to stop him from choking me. It was a loosing battle, I was in karatse for 5 years, I knew when things were not going inn my favor. I was turning purple, I did the only thing I could, I tripped his back leg and knocked him to the ground, I was on top of him, I looked at my fist, I wanted to bash his skull open, but I didn't, I stood up i walked away because I wasn't Dad and that,would havemade things worse, my Dad told my mom to call the police, arrest me for assualt says I hit him firstkept trying to kick and hit him as he was restraining me. It was bullshit but therecwas no witnesses, my mom only saw the end. But she took my side, said Dad should be admired. He needs help but he is too arrogant, too deluded to admit it. He blames everyone but himself. At Forty Two years old he is acting like I did when I was thirteen. I'm hopeless, I'm numb,there's nothing I can do right now, I want to rest to feel something, but I can't, I can't kill myself I can't drink I can't selfharm I can't do anything I'm lost and after spending four years recovering from multiple overdoses, depression, self harm, after quiting drinking, I'm not sure I can do this anymore. Its been a day and I'm already losing it, how can I do this for weeks, months?I'm afraid ill relaspe, I don't want to go back, I've come so far and now I'm crashing down and I don't know how to stop it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    AW hun dam i wish you could move out of the poisonous environment hun. Anyway of staying with a relative hun or a friend for awhile im sorry everything is so volatile
    Next time your father attacks you YOU call the police ok hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is so difficult and you are so strong to have restrained yourself as you did. Is there any where else you can live? Are there any family members your father will listen to? It does sound that he is in need of care as his ability to perceive reality seems damaged. It also seems that he is so angry at himself, that he doe not have the boundaries to not take it out on you. I hope you remain safe and that there is someone who can intervene.
  4. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    All my relatives are thousands of miles away, the closest being in Louisiana. My father wont listen to anyone, the only way I can help him is to try to remain stable and safe, which I didn't yesterday, im not going to repeat myself here, you can find it in Substance Abuse, and on top of that prove that he is unstable, and a danger to me or Mom. Since no one was at the start of the fight, its his word against mine, so theres nothing I can do right now, except for try to keep myself together. My Mom already talked to his therapist, he doesn't think he should be admitted yet, but that he needs meds that can actually help him, and he needs to be stable.