I never really new my dad, and i probably met him 6 times in my whole entire life. The time i did have with him was very special but I remember feeling strange like i owed him something everytime i saw him and i just couldnt relax. He was such a nice guy, a harmless guy and I could tell he would never harm anyone. He felt like a victim himself..or at least i feel some sorrt of common relation. To cut a long story short he knocked himself out, jumped from his flat window and killed himself according to the police. This was around 5 years ago and i received his note the next day which i never properly got to read because my mother took it and i have never asked for it since. I am feeling extremely angry about this as I just wanted to know how he was feeling, i wanted to know there was a reason, and that at the end maybe he could have justified it with what was his resolution. the letter was 5 pages long and with all the trauma and shock i only got to read it once until my dutiful mother thought she would take it. I found out my dad joined the cult group the 'three masons'. I still havnt done my research but i just know what there all about. because i new so little of him though which is why im writing this post, its leaving an unlimited capacity for me to over think on things and ever since his death i have been plagued with spontaneous memories of him. He was my dad..am I the same? am i going to follow this same path? these things would be argued non genetic, but i still believe much of their conscience must live in us. I dont feel down, but when i do, this is always the reason. Im not suicidal and have never self harmed, i appreciate my life and think that down the line if i kick myself up the arse, i could actually make something of myself. Im just scared because when i feel down, i think that i am my father. But im not...I feel that all my friends that i told look at me and remember that my father killed himself...and i CONSTANTLY feel scarred...I feel this need to seem non concerned with anything and am always on defence to any attacks by them because they will always think less of me...i know you will say they will be compassionate..but hey your father jumping from a window is not exactly small talk..I feel my mum looks at me and thinks of him, and fears for me..but im fine...ishes always so protective..and two naivley obvious that im starting to think, is my mood so apparent that she is acting in such a dyslexic franctic way...i have such small problems like most, you just have to really look at things and realise your mind has an unlimited capacity to think..but i feel constantly judged for who my parents are.. you can see the endless dilema here..im writing this now so casualy but this is starting to bug me..this is the first time i have really even mentioned or talked of this, and when it actually happend i still went out the next day and carried on my normal business. Im quite a closed person, but i hold a prescence wherever i go, or least i feel pretty sure of it, and people always comment on my mood, like i should be cheerful and happy, and i feel i should. but i feel like i got this mental block..so caught up in trying to seem 'normal'...it becomes a sort of paranoid scitzophrenic existence after a while...but i have alot of determination and will never give in,because its my nature,(but that just sounds ironic)as there is always polar extremes binary/opposites. I dont feel depressed, i maybe just feel alone and confused..maybe i need a fresh start in a new town...oh i dont know im just confused..if anyone can relate with this rambling lol id love to hear from you..im sure we can help eachother.
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