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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Malcontent, Dec 11, 2006.

  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    This isn't a rant at mine, cos I'm one of the lucky ones when it comes to dads. I'm not exactly sure what this is about, just need to vent.

    There are so many absent fathers out there it makes me mad. Guys who knock some girl up and then just leave them to it, or run away as soon as it gets tough, or don't bother to see their kids after the relationship with the mother ends. I long to be a father with every fibre of my being. I can't have kids that are biologically mine, but even that doesn't matter much to me. The supply of sperm doesn't make a father, being there for your child and protecting them and providing for them does. And I want to do that so bad. I want to hold my baby and sing them to sleep and get up in the middle of the night when they cry and drive them to school and teach them to read and stick a plaster on their knee when they fall over, and even clash with them over things and worry about whether they're on drugs and disapprove of their bf/gf. I want to love and be proud of my kids no matter what. Of course it's better to be two parents together, but splitting up with the mother or never having been with her in the first place doesn't negate the fact that you've bought a life into this world and you need to take some bloody responsbility. I know there are circumstances where parents can't see their children and I'm honestly sorry if anyone feels that I'm having a go at them. I'm more ranting at fate, that keeps me from being the good parent that I know I could be, yet allows so many men to be given this gift that I would do anything for. I know I'm only young and I may get the chance to have kids, but I already did have that chance. And I can't help but wonder, if I'd looked after his mother better, if I'd just gone and got her and stuffed the consequences, would my son be alive today? Maybe that was my only chance, and I was judged to be unworthy.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Agreed Mal. My first husband and I agreed from the day we split that no matter what our son was exactly that OUR son. He had full access to Daniel from the get go it meant the split wasn't so traumatic for our son and they have a great relationship.
  3. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Daniel? What's your ex's first name?

    EDIT: Sorry, I'm being an idiot. I wouldn't even have asked had this not been a thread having a go at absent fathers. Don't worry. *blush*
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2006
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Daniel is my son.
  5. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Yes, yes, I know. That's why I was asking about his father's name. Never mind...
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    ah ok, his dad's name is John :laugh:
  7. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Yes, I am an idiot. Sorry :tongue:.

    My biological father is in Wales, he had a son called Daniel. Haha :laugh:. Me = Paranoid.
  8. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Granted you usually here stories mostly about fathers never wanting to be in the lives of their child or children. Sadly i have a story of something I can't even fathom. You figure if you get pregnant as a women, carry that baby for 9 months, you could never leave that child because you have that bond, well, than there's the c.u.next.tuesday. that brought my precious nephew into the world. I will use the term mother loosely with her because she doesn't even come close to it. My nephew Dylan is 6 now, she took off when he was a little over a year old. She lives in the same state still. Rhode Island in fact which most of you know is small, really small so it's not like she CAN'T see him. Anyways, she took off when he was that old, called on his 5th birthday begging to see him, my brother said yes, than she took off 6 months later and hasn't been back since, and mind you Dylan will be 7 in april. Mind you she has a 10 year old daughter she doesnt have and a 2 year old that she does have. All different fathers, she's only 26 and she hasn't a clue in the world how to be a mother or a decent human being.

    I have taken over most responsibilities in being the female figure in his life and i wouldn't change it for the world. I love him with all my heart and I would die for him before I let anything bad happen to him. I wish i could take away the pain he has dealt with at 6 years old. He has had to deal with his mother coming in and out of his life and I have had to deal with him crying asking why his mommy left him. That breaks my heart daily because no child should have to go through so much pain in only 6 years. He also asked why his "stepmommy" left him, which was my brothers girlfriend for 3 years.

    Sorry for that long rant...i just wanted to show that it's not only men that basically disown their blood, it's women too which to me is more unforgivable than when a man does it.
  9. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    My father wasnt completely absent, but he might as well have been. He was one of these workaholic dads...worked 7 days a week for many, many years. I really think its stunted me somewhat...my psych certainly thinks so.

    I could go more into it but I think it would be too painful to be honest.
  10. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Ha, my mother says I have 'abandonment issues'. I probably do. But I don't give a toss about my "father". Wanker.
  11. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Maybe some men know they can't be like that perfect father you're describing though...maybe they think it would be better not to be there at all. Maybe theyre scared. Maybe everyones human and makes mistakes. Just thinking aloud...Maybe sometimes its better to be absent...
  12. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I grew up without a father for most of my life, i haven't seen him in .... about .. im guessing about 12 -14 years. To be honest i think me and my brother were better off without him. I never had a father figure untill my mum met my dad step dad and i feel that he's been more of a father to me and thet my own biological one could ever be. Meh don't think i should go on, pretty upsetting.
  13. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Oh definitely. My biological father was (is?!) a violent alcoholic rapist type. My mum often beats herself us about kicking him out and 'depriving me of my father', but as I keep telling her, if he'd stuck around, I'd be even more fucked up than I've actually turned out! :tongue:

    Anyway, despite the - ahem - flaws in his character, she never ever denied me contact. She always made sure I had pictures of he and I as a baby to look at, and things like that. When I turned 10 and decided I'd like to get in touch with him, she was 100% supportive (she didn't tell me about how he was until long after this, you see).

    It was my father himself who burnt the bridges.

    We exchanged letters (sporadically, he was crap with replying promptly) for a year. The last thing he sent me was an 11th birthday card. Shortly after that, my mum had to agree for the CSA to chase him up about Child Support (he had never paid any) so that she could receive some government benefit or other. So that he had time to change bank accounts around, and so on, he denied I was his daughter at all. Put me and my mum through DNA testing. Me, an 11 year old. He was wrong of course (my mum, for all her faults, is certainly not the unfaithful type!!), and had to pay for the DNA tests, but having had time to alter accounts the CSA ruled that he was too poor to pay any Child Support anyway. After all that! (He owned three pubs and had another job as well, they were always going on holiday... There's no way he couldn't afford to contribute in some way.)

    So, I certainly agree that I am better off without his presence in my life. But I must say that he should have been paying Child Support. Parents have a responsibility for the child they helped to bring into the world (he and my mum were even married, for several years. Eurgh.).

    Anyway, rant over. Sorry :mellow:.
  14. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I needed to post here, but as vikki its upsetting. My father passed away last year of heart attack. After that, my life changed drastically, for the worst.
    I always tell him NOW, that if he wouldn't have died then, I may still be married, loved and have my son with me.

    My father did not hit me in my childhood, that I can recall. He waited till I was like 24-25, AN ADULT!!! to give me a few good smacks. :sad:
    First time, was when our family and 4 other families took a trip to Washington D.C.--all the men were in the war together and all made it home. My father expected that I could maintain some order of the 12-14 kids of 5 familes since I was the oldest. He is always drinking when he hit me. I was embarrassed and sad that it occured. We never once spoke of it. I know he had no memory or it.

    He did physically beat me again at home. My half-sister and step-mom stood there. After that episode I was apart from him for the next 13 years. :mad: Rightfully, I was afraid. We reconciled for 3 years, then he died. too weird.

    I have a few wonderful memories as a child with him...We traveled, his work took us to Trinidad, South Africia, several US states. I do feel there was much strife between my parents, so I did not see him much. My mother loved him and lied to him, so he did not see us. He was not the dad I wanted or need. But, I do miss him. More than I thought I would.

    I anticipate my own son will say the same thing about me as his mom, I am not there as my ex fought to keep me away. As parents, some of us try to do the best we can for our kids. I wish my parents had gotten along better.
    They did try. I give them that. My dad had 5 kids and was only a real "dad" to the youngest one.
  15. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Damn, my dad maybe a pain in the bum sometimes (he's old, fussy and tells the same story over and over again), but reading these replies .....:sad:

    My dad was always there. When my mother was in a mental hospital for most of my childhood, dad refused to put me in care (even tho everyone said he should cos he had so much on his plate). Dad was the one who fed me, read stories to me, taught me to ride a bike and when the spoilt brat next door got a brand new swing and wouldn't share with anyone, he marched down the garden took off the back door and put up a plank of wood on 2 lengths of rope..INSTANT swing!!!

    My dad was my hero!!!!
  16. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Awww, that's so nice! :smile:

    I'm very happy that you had that, Dev :smile:.
  17. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I wish I could share my father with everyone. He's the best, and have always been. Never really thought about it until now.

    I'm going down stairs right now to give him a hug :smile:
  18. Asmoday

    Asmoday Active Member

    Yes it's the responsibility of a mother and father to provide for their child but I wish my father was absent. It would be 5438957834 times better. But my mother was very good though and she's still good.
  19. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Dev and Rukia, your empathy for those that miss out is so sweet. We should all feel that way. I am glad you had a :1st: hero dad!!
  20. Silvia

    Silvia Member

    My father was(is?) an asshole
    I was 5 years old when he left for good, I haven't see him since, he have seen me, my brother said he went to our wedding I really didn't see him.

    What I remember of him was awful, I rememberh im beating my mother infront of me(I'm the youngest of 7), him coming frunk very late at night to beat us. It was awful to fake you're sleeping and just wait for the slap. Sometimes he was nice when he wanted but it almost never happened.
    i don't have good memories of him