At my heaviest, I was 233 lbs and so grotesque I can't even explain it. So now I am 5' 10" and 154.5 lbs (as of this morning) and I feel so fat I can't even stand it. I don't eat meals. I can't. I hate the feeling of a stomach full of food and eating makes me feel fat. being fat makes me want to die. I am just about to graduate my senior year so I do have to eat meals sometimes but I just get rid of it later. I am the queen of manipulation and sometimes it makes me feel guilty but not enough to stop. I have perfected my technique so I use it to get thinner. My sister is really really anorexic (5' 8" and 90 lbs) and I envy her so much. She was always naturally thinner but now she has made herself so much thinner. I feel like a cow and despise eating. I have a new boyfriend (for the first time since I lost the weight) and he says I am absolutely gorgeous but I feel so huge that I know he must be lying. I hate being fat.