Faulty Bandaid, Now I'm tempted...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Aug 27, 2015.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I have been fighting since I broke a month without self harming... I went a little... uhm... 'nuts' Sunday and couldn't stop myself... after that I haven't really taken much care of the wounds.

    In fact I've been trying to stop them from healing...

    But today I decided I wanted to work on getting out of the habit again. I cleaned it and put bandaids on and it actually felt good to be taking care of myself again.

    I was just changing the baindaid and it ripped a piece of my healthy skin off! This is a bandaid meant for children! (yes I'm a 25 year old who likes to wear Hello Kitty, Minions or leopard print bandaids.)

    I quickly put a new bandaid on the new wound (different brand!) and one on the old one too...

    I'm just itching to fall into the habit again...

    I wrote a complaint to the company... but it doesn't change that the urges are coming up again. I had JUST started working on it.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Don't worry, I love kiddies plasters (band aids) too and I am 24, lol! So do not worry about that. It is natural that whilst you are trying to recover from an addiction (self harm is a form of addiction) you will relapse from time to time. A month free of SH is a big achievement, especially if you were harming daily or very regularly. Instead of beating yourself up for the relapse, congratulate yourself for achieving a month of being SH free! Perhaps take a look at what triggered you to relapse on Sunday, and look at what you could have done differently and what you can do next time you get the "urge" whilst triggered. Instead think, you managed 1 month SH free, next aim for 2 months! If you don't quite make the 2 months, look at how long you were SH free and think of it as an achievement as being a couple of weeks free is better than 0! And if you get to the 2 month stage, carry on with the good work. You will probably relapse from time to time, it is completely normal.

    Are you getting any professional help with this? It helps to discuss your triggers and urges with a doctor/therapist so you can learn what your triggers are, and learn alternative coping strategies. It is also good to have a support network you can fall back on when things are hard and if you do relapse.

    I used to avidly SH in my teens and it took me a long while to stop. Even though I wouldn't class myself as a self harmer now and would say I am a recovered self harmer, I still relapse from time to time. It feels incredibly shitty, but the period from when I self harmed last to the time before was well over a year, and before that, about 18 months. It's not a failure on your part, sometimes things get overwhelming and it feels like the only viable option at the time. But the more you learn about your triggers and learn different coping mechanisms, the easier it becomes and you will gradually learn that there are other options other than harming yourself.

    Please don't see this as a failure, it is a big success in the grand scheme of things and you should be proud of being free from SH for a month. Keep up the good work, you will get there in the end!!!
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am sorry that your are hurting at the moment but Butterfly's advice is right. Be proud of yourself of what you have achieved so far. You are allowed to have relapses but be strong. We all here care.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I haven't relapsed yet, though I'm tempted. I can't pick up a knife or other potentitally harmful objects without having unwelcome thoughts.

    I have been selfharming since I was raped at 13, that's 12 years. It's linked to my PTSD; I'd feel his hands on my arms and I 'had to' replace that feeling.
    Since then it became a way to attempt to avoid panic attacks (that I at the time didn't know was panic attacks... when I saw a therapist 3 years ago and told her about an episode she told me matter-of-factly that I had a panic attack, that I suffered from anxiety... I never knew I did, I only thought I was depressed and sometimes had bad dreams...)

    The therapist I saw back then didn't want to work on my self harming and eating disorders, she believed if she healed my underlying issues the rest would follow... but at the time I was not ready to open up about the abuse and only told her a few of my problems and then faked my recovery to please her... so I left after several months of therapy still with all my old habits intact.

    I fight though... I've been 'sober' for more than 6 months at a time... then something bad happens or I have a nightmare and feel his hand again...

    A month ago when I relapsed it was because I was at a therapy clinic trying to get help after being referred by my GP. I had to struggle to get the words out when mentioning the sexual attack and abuse and was met by two different people at the clinic with "well since it's been so long since it happened and you're still alive, maybe it's not that important". (these people were not actually therapists)... they weren't too happy to actually offer me therapy and "waste money on me". It was only when I said I wasn't sleeping at night that they seemed interested in helping me... I've been placed at the bottom of the waiting list... I just felt so hopeless.

    This weekend when I 'went nuts' my abusive 'ex' had tried to contact me again. I feel so weak and helpless with him, and other than still trying to get to abuse and use me he's trying to drive my boyfriend away from me. I've been trying so hard to escape him but he always comes back to me; despite being married and having several other girls like me. Apparently the fact that I started trying to 'fight' him and get away is a big part of why he can't forget about me... this weekend he told me he was addicted to me. I guess I just felt so damn trapped. It made me feel like he's never going to let me go and live a life where I actually have a chance to be happy, for once.

    The scary thing about what I did to myself this weekend is that I did it over and over again... I couldn't stop. I kept coming back and repeated it... And like before I had the feeling that it was a 'stupid b*tch' in my head who was doing it, and my logic side could yell and scold as much as she liked... the stupid 'b*tch' wasn't listening.
    I didn't get a chance to deploy my coping tactics... writing or painting... (I used to bake or dance before my back and hips got too ill)

    My boyfriend is panicking. He doesn't know how to deal with me being this way... He almost wouldn't let me go yesterday; we can't get back in touch before Monday morning... he's so scared I'm going to do something stupid and he can't be there, like he wasn't there last weekend. It's eating him up and he blames himself. I tried to reassure him I wouldn't even touch a butter knife before Monday... (will be fun to try to cook...).
    First time I told him about self harming he had a panic attack. This time he's more determined to help me grow stronger and is trying everything to help me.

    Today something 'good' happened though... I was at my best friend's Birthday party. Since my break down this weekend and all the cr*p with my ex I have been hiding in my room so going to a party (even having to sit through a 2 hour long bus ride) wasn't at the top of the list of activities... but since it was my best friend I had to go.
    I actually had fun!
    My best friend is mentally ill and among other things battles with self harm too... she immediately noticed my bandaids and asked me what happened. At first I thought about making up some lie but I told her "I've been stupid", she knew what I meant and hugged me. (I'm scared of touch, but she's one of the few people I accept it from) and she told me pretty much what you told me... that it was okay to 'be stupid' once in a while, as long as I'm still fighting.
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