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fealing as if i am alone fighting an unending torent of hate adn slefloathing

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kadashis blood

i realy dont knwo wher eto start. my life is somthign akin to that of a tragic novel at times, other days its somthing mundane and what one would argubly call normal. but throughout my life ther eis always an undercurent of suffering and uncertatny for my slef and that around me. as i beging to discover my abilities and my self through time and experince i realize mroe and mroe that who i am is based on what ive been adn what i will do adn how i think, adn the mor ei think and wonder about this, the mor ei sink in to depresion and hatered.

i hate myself. ther eis no doub tthere. i find people liek me to be revolting, i find the things i lvoe to be anoying adn tedious, yet i sitl cling to them. a part of me feals wha ti do is wrong but another part of me feals as if i am bounded to it. i feal as if my world is a continual spiral stair case, and i keep going down adn down adn down toward the depths of hell, all the while willingly walking down inhope sof some diffrent path instead of going upwards. if eal as if i am my worse enemy, and that it is me who shall be my own undoing, adn tha ti deserve nto to livfe or breath or talk o rfeal. i feal that all i deserve in lifie is death.

all this and im almost 18.

......i wont lie. im here for sypathy, for somone to look at this and say "heres a boy in pain...i should help him" and to, unlike me, take time from there lives to care for somone else.

i drink. i smoke weed. i flirt with my best freinds girl freinds. i dont care for others as much as i should, lif eis jsut a way to further myself. i feal guilty for my actions too, but only because im nto who i want to be, a form of mortal god is my goal, as unrealistic as it is.

.....my fathers abandoning me. he baught a motercycle adn is goignto head west and build a log cabin somwhere. now tha this "responsibility" to me is done now tha tim goign off from high schoola dn can finaly leave. my mother jsut quit her job in consideration fo rall this. and both of them, who used to be raving athiests, hav enow found some wort of god.

mean while, the way the raised me, what they taught me, eveyr thing from before...they now say its wrong. what i belived and what i lived by! THERE WORDS!!! tyhere thoughts that i memorized and kept in my heart so tha ti may learn and grow to be a thoughtfull man! but innstead im this shalow insecure boy fealing abadnoned by his family and alone yet again.

love is somthing unknown to me. fletting and ocasionaly touched, but never realized. i am disgusted wiht my self. i am apauled at my lust. i cant have sex jsut to enjoy it. i must be great! i must be amazing.

my life in my mind is tha tim either great or im nothing. i would rathe rdo nothign then try and fail. that...and...

i hate myself. my life, in retro spect was a mistake. i had a brother or somone was suposed to be bonr before me. my mothe rhad a misscaraige. she was going to have only one child. ....what if the child before me was born? woudl that mean i wouldnt have been? does that mean....im a product of chance and circumstance? perhaps i was never ment to be...or that my birth goes beyound some plan or divine idea. maybe i was ment to suffer.

....mayeb im lookin gfor a way out. ...maybe...im jsut sad tha tim alone on newyears, even though i have freinds, adn even though i drank a little and was with them...i feal tha tagain...my thoughts are my own adn that no one knows me for me. if they did...i feal they like manny otheres woudl hate me.

i am a poo rlonely child, adn the last time i feklt i was truly open to another person, wher ei told them everythign tha ti know. even now i hold back mos tof me...that was before i coudl determin what was me. now....i am ashamed to be alive. its a strange feeling, knowing that your own life is somthign to hate and dispise. but i feal that. ...and...i want to cry a pool of tears, adn to drown mysel fin them. in my sowrow, i want it to end. if tha tmeans i must end..then so be it.
hey i want you to know that i do care for you. i know i don't know you, and i have no idea what you've been through, but i feel for you. i understand just what it's like to hate yourself, and feeling so undeserving of being alive. i really want to help you and to be your friend. i think you just need someone who does care for you, and loves you enough to make you love yourself. i understand completly what you're going through, and i'm willing to do anything i can to help you. if you ever want to talk to me you can.
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