Fear if death...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FamilyGuyFan1986, Jul 1, 2011.

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  1. FamilyGuyFan1986

    FamilyGuyFan1986 Active Member

    Hi, I hit 24 last year. A couple weeks later, I had this very odd dream of having a brain transplant. The dream had me wondering what happens after death. Googling nde was a huge mistake. The results sent me into panic and ever since, I just can't stop thinking about my own end (We all get old and die and sometimes, we don't even get old.) The doom and gloom is gone, but the anxiety still persist, everyday.

    I have 2 options in my mind for dealing with this.

    1) Tough it out and live life as best as possible
    2) Kill self and not deal with it anymore.

    Highly unlikely I would choose number 2, but...since the idea sorta kinda lingering as an option, I'm scared this anxiety may one day make me wanna pick that choice. I'm not even sure if it's anxiety causing me to even look at option 2 as a choice. Who knows, anxiety could be feeding the fear of death.

    Anyone ever gone through something like this? Is it possible to get over it? Death isn't like something that comes and goes and life keeps going. I'm looking for that giant, PHEWWWW! Something like after getting through a hard day of work or finally getting that drivers license. Unfortuantly, that won't be the case til the end of life. So, now I feel I'm stuck living my entire life, worrying about my own end

    Option number 1 seems pretty tough since while I'm living life as best as possible, the thoughts of my own end still dig it's way through the old sub C. up there. This is bad. I kinda pictured life as an adult way differen't.

    I've pictured myself having a nice house with big screens and game systems all over the place. That's my hobby. But, I kinda quit cause the anxiety has lost my interest in almost anything and if I do try to enjoy something I like, the thoughts of my own end keep bouncing in.

    Life for me has turned into torture. I realize it's short and I need to do things like go out and visit my family which I have been doing a lot more, lately. But, omg, mortality is driving me up the wall.

    This is actually a religious thing. I knew before I would die, but, I kinda pictured it way differen't than now. Now, all I see is non existance, no taste, touch, interacting. No me. The idea that I just vanish has caused the anxiety and the anxiety is feeding the fear of not existing. It's feeding in both directions.

    Typing my feelings out, help temporarily, but, when the next morning rolls in, I sort of go into a panic, knowing it's another day closer to dooms day.

    Like I said, what I'm trying to get out of this is some sort of peace, comfort, and to somehow regain my security and sanity if it's at all, possible. I think my age is the only thing really keeping me together, because I can remind myself most likely death won't occure for another 50 years. But, how long can I hold off? What will I feel like at 30?

    I wish I knew for certain there was a God. Then I could go, Ahhhhh. No more worry, I just ride this thing out and hit the after life. Now, I feel like I'm holding on this roller coaster for dear life....
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you are holding on hun and yes depression is like a roller coaster it cycles I hope you get into your doctor and get some meds that do level your emotions out some hugs to you
     
  3. FamilyGuyFan1986

    FamilyGuyFan1986 Active Member

    Re: Fear of death...

    Thanks for the tip. I'm not much of a med person, but, I did get a book called, "Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies." Which seems to be helping to some extent. I honestly think it is just the anxiety talking because when I get it under control, my mind turns to normal. Has some breathing techniques for getting it down. It's odd cause those thoughts mostly hit me in the morning (Prob cause that's when anxiety is at it's worst. Sub C had all night to think about it.) But, I should still get some professional help. Gotta nip this thing in the bud. Driving me nuts.
     
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