Fear is the only thing holding me back.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CatherineK, Dec 12, 2010.

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  1. CatherineK

    CatherineK New Member

    I'm guessing a lot of people must feel this way but fear of the pain of suicide is what stops me doing it mostly. It doesnt really seem like theres a completely painless way which is why I'm not dead. Everyone assumes I havent because I'm coping well, which is what I'm tired of hearing. Just dont really know what to do anymore.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You now need to start working towards good mental health. Have you seen a doctor? Are you on any meds? Do you have coping strategies?
    We all hit rock bottom every so often. You need to know how to recognise it and how to get out of it. It can be done, it just takes some work.
    What has made you feel so bad in the first place?
    Sending hugs and welcome to SF
  3. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Welcome to the forums Catherine. Perhaps it is the the pain you wish to leave behind and not your life. We must all look inside and seek the truth that is deep inside us. For some of us it is chemical imbalances, for others a terrible past or maybe recent events that have hurt us, the list goes on. Beauty comes from within and im sure you have much, even if you cant see it. Do not concern yourself with what others think, concern yourself with yourself, that is all. Sometimes we have so much spinning in our heads we just want to explode, so, take a space, look at each problem, see if you can make it a little better. If you do this, you may find a little more space in your soul to let the good emotions in again. Hang around here Catherine, there are many who feel like you. Sometimes the answers you seek can be found in others lives. Peace regards Pete and remember, there is always a tomorrow, we all mess up, but with a new day, there always comes a chance to tackle things differently.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you can come here and talk freely about how you feel. It is hard when people don't understand the choose sometime to see what they want to see. Keep letting the pain out here okay the sadness out here we are good listeners and better yet we understand. Definitely get some help okay to get rid of the sadness inside because that is what we truly want not to leave here but to be happy and safe again. Nice meeting you okay keep talking we care
  5. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    am also afraid and its the sole reason im still here,since no amount of talking can make my life less hopeless or more dign. Am afraid ill fail and bring myself even more hurt. I just wish I could get it over with.
  6. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I used to think that overdoses were painless. Then I started doing research online and found that isn't always the case unless you have access to some pretty powerful stuff which most of us can't get. This, and the fact that other means are painful and messy, also keep me from doing it.

    I'm a relative newbie to this site, but I'm finding that writing here is a little helpful. Hopefully it will be for you as well.
  7. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I go to bed most nights wishing I would die in my sleep. It would be so much easier and I wouldn't actually have to do anything. There would be less stigma for my family if I died of an aneurysm, a stoke or a heart attack or something.

    Ironically, even though I share your feelings, I feel sad seeing it said from others. I hope you make it through the tough times.
  8. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

    I thought I had an 'easy' way, then realized the necessary materials weren't as accessible as I thought. Suicide is not as easy, clean-cut and painless as we wish it was. And it's only going to leave a bigger mess for those left behind. I'm such a lazy bum the fact that it wasn't easy to find certain chemicals basically deterred me from pursuing it any further.

    "No thanks, suicide. Too much work."

    It's selfish to want to end our pain, only transferring it to those around us. Though I know the despair associated is excruciating, and maddening.

    Just keep waiting one more day. See a doctor. Talk to someone. Post here. Try to be thankful for what you do have. It could always be worse, I suppose.

    It's interesting you say the only thing holding you back is fear. Ironically, I often feel as if fear is the only thing holding me back from getting better. Fear of not being able to pay my bills. Fear of hard work. Fear of confronting my issues. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear is a potent motivator. I'm just now realizing how much it affects my decisions. It's a little (or a lot) heartbreaking.
  9. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I found a way that is supposedly pain free and quick. It requires some effort on my part to set it up and some money. So far, those things have kept me from acting on it.

    I hear this said all the time and I do agree that it would bring pain to those who still love me. But isn't it also selfish of them to want me to live in pain so they don't have to feel any? Or is my mind just warped?

    It could always be worse. I was watching Nat Geo last night. A bear or a pack of wolves killed a guy. I found myself thinking that I want to die, but I wouldn't want to die like that. It could always be worse.

    I oh so relate with those words.
  10. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

    I don't think anyone wants us to live in pain. The one friend who I'm honest with about my suicidal thoughts continually tells me she just doesn't want me to be gone. She just wants me to feel better, and thinks I'm way too hard on myself. And I imagine that's the case for most who are close to, and love us.

    I sincerely respect a person's right to die if that's their choice, but I would rather them gain a new perspective on life, and be their best self, and possibly be able to help others with similar experiences. That's what I'd prefer for myself at the moment, though I know I don't always feel so hopeful.

    Regarding, "it could always be worse", it's interesting that suicide rates are higher in developed countries with higher standards of living. Rich people have just as high if not higher suicide rates as the poor.We compare ourselves to others too much in this society, and to an idealized way of living, IMO. And that makes us insecure in ourselves. We have to realize that this is a fucked up world and we have to deal with it the best we can. And we don't have to pointlessly compare ourselves to others. Life's too short.

    Not sure where all this forward thinking is coming from. But as we say all the time, talking about it helps. I know often, most of us DON'T WANT to feel better. We enjoy our existential malaise. But since posting here, I am really trying to WANT to feel better.
  11. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    yah, sorry, lol, I been there too, wish i could make the world a batter place, guess thas a thing to live for
  12. thoso

    thoso Member

    Well, while I believe it is every human beings right to end their life if they wish to do so, I also somewhat appreciate the fact that it takes a lot of effort, courage and research to find a suitable, reliable method and actually go through with it.

    It's not an easy decision to make and carry out and it shouldn't be.

    With regards to the fear element, often the thought of death doesn't scare me at all, but quite the opposite. I would be much more afraid of living out the rest of my life depressed, unhappy and with no hope of improvement to my situation.
  13. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I would say that the process of killing myself scares me, not necessarily death.

    Totally relate to that. I'm in mid-life. When I think of living 30 or 40 more years that are the same as the first 40, I feel hopeless.
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Catherine and welcome to SF. There really isn't a completely painless way to die, because pain is our bodies way telling us that something is wrong. Our bodies are programmed to survive due to thousands of years of evolution. Just try to take it one day at a time. Some days will be good, others will be bad, but don't let the bad days overwhelm you. :hug:
  15. Sparky42

    Sparky42 Member

    The fear of surviving, but causing severe damage to myself is big. No use making my life worse by, for example, OD'ing and screwing up my liver or kidneys. That's be painful.
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