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Fear of abandonment

Hi guys! Sorry but I don't know where else to write. To make a long story short, I've been battling with depression and anxiety all my life. Most noteworthy are the panic attacs related to social behaviour. I've had a very abusive father during childhood, and on top of that our family line has depression and anxiety painted all over. My issues stems from my childhood traumas but also I am prone to feeling depressed from time to time. I had a suicide attempt a couple of months ago, and at that time my reasoning was twofolded; I felt alone, the feeling of never finding anyone in my life, and also severe anxiety related to health issues (fear of going blind because of a disease).. There's ofcourse more to this story that makes a person feel such a way that he wants to kill himself, but this is just a rough overview. I have also gone through a nasty divorce about 8 years ago, and I am still struggling with my self-esteem. I've messed up two serious relationships thereafter because of my PTSD and panic attacs. And they were all related to me outing a panic towards my loved one(s). "Do you still love me?", "Why don't you write to me every day like you did before? What has changed?", "Am I less interesting now than I was when we met?".. All of these questions and feelings manifested in a root belief that I was unworthy of any kind of love. And objectively I knew very well that it was my own INSECURITY that made me out my strong felt opinions towards my loved one.. As if those feelings was a REALITY, which they both could or could not be (you never know, right?)

Fast forward to this day. It's been three years since my last breakup (due to PTSD and panic attacs she couldn't handle it).. I am about to embark in a serious long distance relationship, and so far I've managed to be calm. Our contact has been increasing and it's always been good.. But right now she doesn't seem to write to me so often. And I FEEL like this is going to end badly, because my fear and abandonment panic kicks in.. I just want to write to her and ask if something is wrong, but that will only make it worse.. So now I'm entering a game which I did not want to enter, the silence game.. And not because I want to enter the silence game, but rather the FACT that my fears are irrational (could be rational, but who knows?).. I am trying to tell myself that it might or might go this and that way, but that I HAVE to keep my panic and fear out of it... I also tried to create my own motto saying to myself "Don't ever ever make her feel unsafe.. A good relationship is only possible when she feels safe".. And should I start with my irrational behaviour again, asking questions about the sincerity of our relation, I will make her unsafe, and I will drive her away like I did with all my other spouses..

What the heck is wrong with me? Every time I start to feel something for someone, I dive right in to this ocean of never ending pain and panic! Do you guys have any good advice for me to keep my panic attacs and fear of abandonment in order? How do I keep myself from falling in to this soup of fear? It's like I'm losing myself and my self-worth. I'm losing ME, and I'm putting her on a pedestal and acting the complete oposite of what I KNOW is right to do!!!!!!!!!..

This might sound like a silly issue to post about on this forum, but trust me, it has driven me to want to kill myself many times.. The sheer panic and PTSD related to abandonment is huge. I am going to dynamic behavioural therapy at the moment, but I don't feel it helps.. I would more than anything wish for some PRACTICAL advice on what to do on a day to day basis during the start of a relationship.
Sorry that you're going through this

Can you explain why you have the empathy only tag on this thread, but are also asking for advice?

I hope that something can help


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I don't know why.. What else should it be ?
I've removed the Empathy Only tag as members use this when they just want some empathy and no advice is wanted.

I understand the fear of abandonment. It's something I've struggled with for decades and has made my 29 year marriage "interesting".

I just want to write to her and ask if something is wrong, but that will only make it worse.
Well, that depends on how you approach it. You can ask casually "Are you okay? You seem a little quiet lately" without turning it into a massive thing.

Therapy could be a good way to help with your fears, it's beginning to help with mine. Have you spoken to your therapist about it? Maybe a different type of therapy would work better.
Thanks @Sunspots . Yes I have talked to her about it, but they say that they cannot offer me anything else than the dynamic group therapy they are giving me. So I'm about this issue to myself unfortunately.. In my mind tell myself that these questions and "interrogations" will only remain an issue as long as we're just a couple, but that when we marry it will go away. Now this might seem like idiotic thinking, why would such a strong feeling go away just because she swore to live by my side.. Right? But to be honest, this issue didn't happen to me before after my first marriage breakup.. It is strongly tied to that breakup, and I feel that this isue is only present as long as I have been abandoned and are still alone/lonely.. I don't know. I'm trying to figure this out..

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