I obsess about death excessively. And I'm not just talking about my own suicide; I think about our inevitable death too, my own, my loved ones.... And it is so terrifying. How is it that I am so hurt by life that I'm willing to take mine, but I'm terrified of the inevitability of natural death should I choose to live? I suppose I can't avoid thinking about death in all its shapes and forms, when I am so stuck on the idea of suicide... but it boggles my mind that I am so so frightened by it. If I am so tired of this life at age 21, wouldn't it stand to reason that I'd be yearning for death by the time I'm 80, if I live that long? I think its the lack of control. If I take my own life, I have all the time in the world to say whatever I have left to say, do whatever I need to do, and die with whatever method I choose. And I'll meet death with my arms wide open, satisfied with my choice. But if I wait for natural causes... there might be things left unsaid, I might leave this world with important projects uncompleted, and I might go out some horribly painful way. And worst of all, I might die during a completely joyful time in my life, just when I was finally wishing it would go on a bit longer... and suddenly, boom, time is up. I think about this so much. It haunts me at night and I can't avoid it. Death happens to each and every one of us, its very real... and yet its so surreal, because it has never happened to me, and all I have ever known is life, and I just can't fathom anything different. My fear is overboard; I get paranoid... lately, I will often wake up in the middle of the night, or as I am falling asleep, and I will think I am dying. I think my own fear of natural death is just another reason I want to commit suicide. Its all about control over my situation, and being prepared to go... Sometimes I think if I do not take my own life at a young age and I go on to get married to my older boyfriend like I think I might, that when he dies I will die with him, maybe I will travel to Switzerland and receive help from that controversial assisted suicide group, and me and him can die together like that couple they aided awhile back. The only reason I live is for my mother, right now... and once she has passed on, the only reason I can imagine staying alive is for my future husband, if I have one. And once he is gone I can't imagine having a purpose... I do not live for myself. Ah anyways, I just had to get this out of me... its so terrifying dealing with these thoughts about death all by myself in the dark, I just wanted someone to know so I wouldn't feel quite so alone.