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Fear of death

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by elvinchild, Jul 27, 2009.

  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I obsess about death excessively. And I'm not just talking about my own suicide; I think about our inevitable death too, my own, my loved ones.... And it is so terrifying. How is it that I am so hurt by life that I'm willing to take mine, but I'm terrified of the inevitability of natural death should I choose to live? I suppose I can't avoid thinking about death in all its shapes and forms, when I am so stuck on the idea of suicide... but it boggles my mind that I am so so frightened by it. If I am so tired of this life at age 21, wouldn't it stand to reason that I'd be yearning for death by the time I'm 80, if I live that long?

    I think its the lack of control. If I take my own life, I have all the time in the world to say whatever I have left to say, do whatever I need to do, and die with whatever method I choose. And I'll meet death with my arms wide open, satisfied with my choice. But if I wait for natural causes... there might be things left unsaid, I might leave this world with important projects uncompleted, and I might go out some horribly painful way. And worst of all, I might die during a completely joyful time in my life, just when I was finally wishing it would go on a bit longer... and suddenly, boom, time is up.

    I think about this so much. It haunts me at night and I can't avoid it. Death happens to each and every one of us, its very real... and yet its so surreal, because it has never happened to me, and all I have ever known is life, and I just can't fathom anything different. My fear is overboard; I get paranoid... lately, I will often wake up in the middle of the night, or as I am falling asleep, and I will think I am dying.

    I think my own fear of natural death is just another reason I want to commit suicide. Its all about control over my situation, and being prepared to go... Sometimes I think if I do not take my own life at a young age and I go on to get married to my older boyfriend like I think I might, that when he dies I will die with him, maybe I will travel to Switzerland and receive help from that controversial assisted suicide group, and me and him can die together like that couple they aided awhile back. The only reason I live is for my mother, right now... and once she has passed on, the only reason I can imagine staying alive is for my future husband, if I have one. And once he is gone I can't imagine having a purpose... I do not live for myself.

    Ah anyways, I just had to get this out of me... its so terrifying dealing with these thoughts about death all by myself in the dark, I just wanted someone to know so I wouldn't feel quite so alone.
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there ..
    i hear what ur saying .. im the same in some respects .. dying from a natural cause - esp cancer scares me so much and i think about it more than suicide sometimes.. like u i think it is probably about the control side..
    sorry i dont have any advice or anything..
    if u ever fancy a chat in pm would be nice 2 hear from u .. we sound simular :)
  3. Tray

    Tray Well-Known Member

    i think about death alot as well. At first i thought im gonna die anytime y not just kill myself. And well im still here. Right now my thoughts are that since i never know when im gonna go, I gotta live everyday full like its my last.
  4. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    I hear what you're saying. It is scary to not be able to control our natural death and suicide allows us to control how and when. I think there is a great deal of courage to live but we don't really seem to contragulate each other for surviving and having courage to live in the real world as if it is only an inner knowledge we kept which is hidden never really talked about. Although, I do understand there it takes courage to die but a different kind. Not sure if that makes much sense.

    I hope you find some answers.

    Take care
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you fear death as it is not natural to not fear it. I think obsessing about it is not good though as time here should be lived to its fullest and instead of thinking about death think about life how we can make it better not jst for us but for others how we can enjoy the sun and the rain and nature Spending time about these things are usefull time thinking about death waste of time because no matter what we do it will eventually come so i tend just to just try to just not think about it although it is hard when one is depressed. Good topic to think about It does take tremendous courage to live our lifes here and i do think we are the stronger of society not the ones who have it so dam easy.
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    When i was very young, my fear of death causedf me to have massive attacks that no one could help me with. My parents finally had to get meds to sedate me when they hit. But when the ideas of suicide started in my head it was also the time my life had started to fall apart. Then I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and I'm waiting for results on another biopsy for possible breast cancer. So I dont fear death anymore. I will die by my own hand becuase I fear living much more than I ever did death.