Fear Of Unconsciousness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cloudymemories, Mar 17, 2014.

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  1. cloudymemories

    cloudymemories Active Member

    I have been suicidal since I was 14 and now, I'm almost 24. People have been telling me it gets better since I OD'd in 2004 and here I am once again thinking about suicide. I don't believe it gets better for everybody. Feeling pointless is a hard feeling to get rid of.

    My emotions are too intense and I am a failure. I enter all these contests and I never win. You would've thought I gave up but nope. I didnt learn my lesson and entered into another one I feel certain I am going to lose.

    Not only that but I've been trying to get some insurance so I can start seeing a doctor but I'm too rich to get medicaod and I'm too poor to pay for my doctor's apointments and visits and medicine.

    To top off my mental problems, I have a problem with my heart and I need to see a cardiologist but nope. Because I can't get healthcare, I have to suffer. I tried to seek help from a doctor but it can't happen due to the insurance issue so now all I have left is death. To want help and find out you can't even afford it sucks.

    There's really no point. I haven't been able to find a job in ages.

    I may as well just die. I have never been more suicidal. The last time I think I was, was in 2004 when I went to the hospital.

    I am under the impression that I will have another incident this year where the paramedics will have to come. I already started acting reckless, abusing my sleeping pills. I don't wanna be here. I'm not happy at all. I wanna die but I'm a little scared of the uncomfortableness of it.

    After I get over that, it's over.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If you are 24 you can still be covered by your parents insurance. Alternatively, if you are not working call the county mental health office in your area. They will have a sliding fee and since not working the fee for mental health services will be low or none. If you are unsure of how to contact them simply dial 211 on your phone and tell them you are looking for low cost or free mental health services and they will give you the list of available places in your area.

    I would agree that it does not automatically get better for everybody - many if not most will need help to get better and to make changes that result in things be better or different. So far as the contest - if you do it for entertainment or a hobby then there is no need to get upset by the results - it is participating that is meant to be the fun. You cannot consider yourself a failure when you put yourself into contests whether they are based on skill or luck as by nature there will be far more people that do not win then that do. If it is not something that you do for enjoyment and cannot resist doing it then it may be the symptom or an obsession and that is something that counselors can help with often.
  3. cloudymemories

    cloudymemories Active Member

    In order to get insurance via the county, I have to see a doctor first.
    I have an appointment on Monday, thank God. I seriously don't think I want to die
    when it comes down to it...I just want things to be better but it seems like they never get there.

    I am putting my hope in going to the doctor.

    As far as the contest goes, there is money to win and that's not all..
    I want to be known for something positive..I have a bad reputation because
    of something I said on national television people didn't
    like..(which weren't my intentions at all. )and I want to redeem myself.

    It's a whole lot I'm putting into this contest. I wish I didn't but I am...
    At first it was for fun but now it's a dependency. I don't know how I'm going to cope
    if I lose... That's what I'm afraid of.
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