I have been suicidal since I was 14 and now, I'm almost 24. People have been telling me it gets better since I OD'd in 2004 and here I am once again thinking about suicide. I don't believe it gets better for everybody. Feeling pointless is a hard feeling to get rid of. My emotions are too intense and I am a failure. I enter all these contests and I never win. You would've thought I gave up but nope. I didnt learn my lesson and entered into another one I feel certain I am going to lose. Not only that but I've been trying to get some insurance so I can start seeing a doctor but I'm too rich to get medicaod and I'm too poor to pay for my doctor's apointments and visits and medicine. To top off my mental problems, I have a problem with my heart and I need to see a cardiologist but nope. Because I can't get healthcare, I have to suffer. I tried to seek help from a doctor but it can't happen due to the insurance issue so now all I have left is death. To want help and find out you can't even afford it sucks. There's really no point. I haven't been able to find a job in ages. I may as well just die. I have never been more suicidal. The last time I think I was, was in 2004 when I went to the hospital. I am under the impression that I will have another incident this year where the paramedics will have to come. I already started acting reckless, abusing my sleeping pills. I don't wanna be here. I'm not happy at all. I wanna die but I'm a little scared of the uncomfortableness of it. After I get over that, it's over.