Fear vs. Pain vs. Discomfort

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by markc, Jul 5, 2007.

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  1. markc

    markc Active Member

    I'm just out of the hospital after my first suicide attempt.

    I'm a 51 year-old man, and recently diagnosed diabetic (started taking Insulin subQ about 3 months ago.) Last Sunday (July 1), after a devastating rejection the night before from a woman I love (not my wife of 28 years, whom I also love; yes, it's complicated), I got up about 6 AM, showered and dressed, put on a pot of strong coffee (gotta kick the metablism into high gear, y'know), e-mailed my other love a cryptic, 2-line e-mail, took a massive, lethal overdose of my medication, sat down in front of the TV, and waited to die. (FYI, if you choose to go the "dying in front of the TV" route, do NOT watch a DVD. If it ends before you check out, you may find that your current condition prevents you from turning off the menu, which will then play over and over and over. Honestly, it'll make you want to KILL yourself. But I digress...)

    I'm a large, strong man (from a long line of lumberjacks, even though I'm college-educated, and a professional software engineer) and apparently I underestimated my own constitution, or my drug dosing (probably both.) Long story short, after about an hour, my wife found me just as I was about to check out, called 911, and... well... here I am 4 days later.

    All of which brings me to the point of my post. As I lay here in my recliner, fading in and out of consciousness, going deeper and deeper in to shock, I couldn't help noticing two things: 1) I wasn't the least bit afraid of death (which confirms a suspicion I've held for most of my life), and 2) this particular method was a LOT more unpleasant than I expected. The problem with deep shock is you get so cold, and I was laying there freezing and shaking uncontrollably. I just kept wishing that I'd pass out one more time and (obviously) not wake up again.

    So, fellow (and lady) survivors, when it was your turn, was the discomfort worse than the fear? I just know that, at no point during the entire (wasted) exercise, did I ever think, "I'm doing the wrong thing. I really don't want to die."

    Have any of you had a similar experience?

    - Mark
  2. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    yes mark, the discomfort was markedly different from the fear (or lack thereof) that i had of dying. i didn't expect it to take so long or be conscious for so long or ... well, i didn't expect to wake up in a hospital twice or wake up at all the other times. the pain afterwards was equally unpredicted and excruitiating. i suppose i should have done more reading on the subject beforehand so i would know what to expect (or to remember to take more), but i can't say i was really in a right state of mind any of the times i thought it might be a good idea to injest a bunch of pills and wait to fall into the never-ending sleep.

    i don't doubt that i've done permanent damage to my liver, and i don't remember what the doctor's really said to me (it's SO easy to tune out when people are talking in your third language ... even if you DO speak it fluently) when i came to. partly because i didn't care and was just pissed off to be alive and partly because i was still waaaay waaaaay out of it and not even remotely prepared to remember anything or make any decisions regarding my own health or treatment at the moment.

    you're right though ... there was never any point at which i thought "geez ... what am i doing??" it was more like "omg ... my stomach really hurts. i'm sweating profusely.
  3. markc

    markc Active Member

    Thanks, iracund. It sort of helps knowing that I'm not an "atypical" suicide attempt, if that makes any sense. Now I know that, for some of us anyway, the desire to embrace death is so intense that being afraid of dying never enters the picture. It's being afraid of living that dominates us at that point in time.

    Thanks again.

    - Mark
  4. Em.

    Em. New Member

    Yeah, the discomfort during AND after I'd miserably failed wasn't too pleasant. I too was freezing and shaking uncontrollably, then was vomiting every two minutes for the best part of three hours afterwards. I couldn't move an inch without vomiting.

    Plus, I wasn't scared either, which unsettled me quite a bit. I thought that I'd be toying with the idea of suicide for what seemed like forever before I actually tried to commit it. I was surprisingly cool about it and, admittedly, would try it again. I have no fear of it whatsoever.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2007
  5. markc

    markc Active Member

    Em, that's EXACTLY how it felt for me. I was very detached and, frankly, couldn't believe how calmly I was going through the exact steps I'd planned to end my life. At one point, I distinctly remember thinking, "Hmmmph. This isn't so hard. I should have done this a LONG time ago."

    I thought I was a complete freak for feeling like that. It's comforting (in a bizarre way) to know that many of you have had (inner) experiences similar to mine.


    - Mark
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Never experience anything like that but it sounds very cold and shocking.
  7. markc

    markc Active Member

    Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

    - Mark
  8. petulant

    petulant Member

    Love is a fucking bitch, isnt it though. I tried to checkout this week becasue I was dumped as well. I was a little scared in the beginning but I had some benzos so it wasnt a huge thing. The oxycontin made me breath funnny but it felt kind of peaceful, too. I didnt take enough obviously, Im still here..but I figured out what my mistake was. I imagine Im not allowed to post it..but no I wasnt really scared either.
  9. markc

    markc Active Member

    It's nice (in a morbid way) to find the commonality of experience from you and others. Yes, love IS a bitch. I've got it bad. A female friend of mine, who knows of my attempt, kind of tiptoed around the subject of "obsession". When she finally said it, my reply was, "Of course, I'm obsessed. What's your point? I'm suicidal. I'm not CRAZY!"

    The thing is, I treat my previous attempt as "learning experience". Each time I decide to try, I either succeed or I learn something not to do the NEXT time I try. Remember: Thomas Edison learned over 4,000 materials NOT to use as filaments before he perfected the electric light bulb.

    Practice makes perfect.


    - Mark
  10. mybabygirl

    mybabygirl Member

    I'm writing for my daughter,she can't write after her attempt.She can't do much matter of fact.She was only 15yr.Didn't get a chance to get married or have kids..I come on this site and just cry cause i don't understand why she doesn't get a do over.Why she can't write and tell about surviving a suicide.When i found her she looked like she didn't suffer.She could have gotten up before she passed out.She was standing and just let her legs go.She hung herself in our basement.I still can't get that horrible pic out of my head..So now she struggles everyday and night for everything..So i think she had no fear or pain but her discomfort is going to last the rest of her life.
  11. SueEisman

    SueEisman Member

    I doubt she could have gotten up from all I was told after my son died. He said the neck injury is often instant. My son stood on something and I questioned why he didn't have survival instinct to put his feet down. Once they let go then whatever they used tightens and they lose senses. I am so sorry about your daughter and I hope there is some therapy to help her. I guess in that respect it may be better that my son completed suicide. The suffering of having to have all his daily needs taken care of by others could have been horrible. Having his little boys see it and know all about it could have runned them.

  12. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    This is an old thread, but for me - when I got scared after my attempt, it wasn't a fear of death. It was a fear of the pain I thought I was going to endure. I was scared of being in agonizing pain for hours or even days, which is why I ended up going to hospital. I still worry about that.

    Also - I checked up on my OP, and it's quite sad to see that he hasn't been active since 2007. I hope, whether in life or death, that Mark is happy.
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