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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kinetickrown, Apr 21, 2013.

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  1. kinetickrown

    kinetickrown Member

    What has this world been coming to? We are all controlled by fear. Our fears dictate how we live. For example, we fear the progression of time. Are we really reaching our full potential before our short time on this earth is up? We have fear that our basic needs might not be met (I.e.- food, shelter, etc..) if we don't somehow find a way to pursue the elusive dollar bill and "earn" it. What are we working towards? The moral structure of our world is crumbling. Life becomes a cut-throat game that no one can ever really win. It's like the game monopoly in the sense that everything goes back into the box when you're done playing the game. Everything you worked for, everything you've acquired...it all goes back into the box in the end. You take nothing with you. This seemingly realistic outlook on life fills me with emptiness. I wish to leave this cruel world and explore another realm. The bad news is that time flies. The good news is that you're the pilot. As we are enclosed and trapped in our unknowingly simple three dimensional world, we must learn and realize that there is something else out there beyond our realm. Only then are we ready to take the
    next step.

    There are some risks in taking this step to venture into the unknown. However, every day I seem to be creeping closer and closer to the great abyss, ignoring these risks and wallowing in my depression. I enjoy entertaining thoughts of death as the horrible images cloud my vision and dance about in my mind.

    I am a slave to my own sick mind at times. It is hard for me to distinguish what is "real" anymore. Being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder has made me critically question my sanity constantly. But how can this be? I am simply a healthy skeptic. I am not paranoid. I have the right to question authority. I have the right to believe I am being fed lies. I feel so alone in this struggle. It almost seems hopeless. I am being psychologically tortured on a daily basis. I am fighting a battle I know I cannot win. I no longer have the strength. Winston Churchill once said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself." I never really grasped that. Granted, fear is a somewhat controllable state of mind for some. As for
    me I am controlled by it. I am too afraid to stand up for what I believe in because I know I will get shot down. I am seen as an enemy to some because I want to know the truth. Everything has been culminating to this point. I have a choice between life and death layed out before me. This is perhaps the most difficult decision I will have to make. Both options have their respective pros and cons. Which one will outweigh the other? Time is not my friend in this situation. But what is time but a number.

    I have so many questions and I hope I can get some answers. I am reaching out to you my fellow humans. Things look bleak. I yearn for the satisfaction of knowing that I got some of you to think about this topic because it is a battle we all face every day. I
    love writing and putting my thoughts down with the brush of the keys on my keyboard. I feel so free with the assistance of communication. Thoughts and ideas are virtually limitless. I am basically pouring my heart out onto this page for all to see because I am desperate. I'm tired of caring about what others
    will think about me. I need help. I know I am really getting in-depth, but I am just trying to be as honest as possible. Thankyou for your time. Any acknowledgement of my existence will be greatly appreciated.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are certainly a thinker One that over thinks perhaps i do the same thing hun. Perhaps instead of all those thoughts we should try living just in the moment, try living just for the day and don't let the mind take over

    Not when there is a day to explore to enjoy to live hun
  3. kinetickrown

    kinetickrown Member

    Yes. Ignorance is bliss I suppose. I always end up looking like the crazy person because I tend to "overthink" things. But what else am I to do? I want to know how to fight this evil. Am I just supposed to sit back dumb and powerless like a mindless sheep watching the world crumble around me? Dark times are ahead. War is looming. To me suicide would be getting the inevitable over with on my terms instead of suffering at the hands of the evil people who intend on making this world their own. We are not free. I mean look at the life we are all blindly living. No matter where you are somebody is telling you what you can and cannot do, what you should think about certain issues, what to buy, etc... the list goes on and on. I am fed up with bearing the reigns of modern society. It's kind of funny and kind of sad how technological advancement has dumbed us all down to the point where we always rely on someone else. Why can't we be independent. Self-sufficient.
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You have said that you" are a slave to [your] own sick mind" at times. I think it would help if you had someone in real life to help you challenge the validity of your negative thoughts.
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