I just jinxed myself. At group,I shared that I'm ready to go oupatient, which is a step down from intensive group therapy. Outpatients have less vigorous and less demanding schedule than inpatients. They attend less groups and don't have to come everyday. I thought I was ready for it. Little did I know that suddenly, I started doubting myself out of fear of failure. I started thinking about my paranoid delusions that I never dealt with nor mentioned in group. I fear that I will relapse if I go to outpatient status. I realized I am extremely lonely, even though I enjoy being alone. I have never been married, no children, no close friends, and I push all potential relationships away (whether it's a friendship or romantic relationship) because of the fear of loss. My self-esteem is still very low and I'm not very confident about my future life. I've been mentally disabled since I was 15, and I have stereotyped my life based on my mental illness, if that makes any sense. Yes, I have a college degree and have worked in the medical field for a few years, but I still missed a normal social life and creating my own family. When I get old and sick, I have no husband nor children to take care of me. I will die an old maid. What a promising life. Yes, I'm depressed about all this, but at least I'm not suicidal.