The only thing to fear is fear itself. I let fear control me. When I was young it used to be a fear of consequences of getting into trouble. That just results in being good and doing what you're told. These days it's a fear of people. This results in me doing basically nothing with myself except seeing friends every few weeks. I've always been quite shy with no self esteem...childhood took it's toll on me. Talking to people(strangers) has always been difficult, but I still managed to do it in the past. But these days it's excrutiatingly difficult. I find it difficult to order myself a meal when I go out with a friend, so I'll usually get my friend to do it for me. I know, it's quite pathetic. It just causes me anxiety and makes me feel awkward. And also if they get what I ordered wrong I wont say anything, I'll just go away with something I didn't want, pissed off because of it and also because I didn't say anything. I just don't like confrontations and absolutely avoid it. I let people walk all over me and don't stick up for myself which is part of the problem and reason of why I'm like this to begin with. I tend to clam right up around people I don't know very well. I find it very difficult to carry conversations with them. The words seem to get stuck in my throat, I start feeling hot, I blush a little what I do say tends to come out shaky. And then afterwards I analyse every little detail of the conversation which usually just makes me feel like shit, because I focus on anything stupid I said, or the way I sounded or some other shit. There's always something wrong with the conversation. Apart from feeling anxious, nervous, awkward and having difficulty actually speaking to people, I also don't like being around people. People in general are mean, they'll find any way to screw you over and I'm just not equipped to handle it anymore. Before I broke, I used to be able to just bottle up all the shit people said and did and shrug it off like it didn't happen. But I just don't have those defences anymore, I'm not capable of dealing with any of the shit people might do to me if I be around them. I know they will because people always have said and done shit to me because I'm too nice and I don't say anything back or do anything. I just can't go through anymore of it. Another reason I don't like talking to people is because of embarrassing situations. It absolutely kills me to be in embarrassing situations. I just feel like dying then and there when I say or do something embarrassing and it doesn't just stop there. I relive the situation over and over in my head feeling just as embarrassed and just as shitty, it mainly happens when I'm trying to get to sleep. I relive all the embarrassing situations I've been in and I hate it. I hate it with a passion. But I can't stop doing it. I don't want to be in anymore embarrassing situations. I'm the person in the group that just sits in the background not saying anything, just observing and listening. It's like that on here. I just sit in the background not posting, going by unnoticed, because I don't have anything to say or add or anything I might like to add I don't because I think it's stupid. I have no life, I'm 20 and I have no life...unless you count seeing my friends every few weeks as having a life. I have no prospects for the future. I still live at home and I have no income...it's not like I really need money anyways. I feel like such a loser, because I truly am a loser. My two older sisters both moved out of home when they were 18, my younger sister moved out of home last year and she's 18...I don't even have a job, I'm horribly dependant on my mum. I need a job, but I don't know how to get one when I find it too difficult to talk to people. I can't keep doing what I'm doing. Doing nothing every single day. I hate it. I don't want to end up 20 years down the track still like this. The only way out as I can see it is death. It's the only option I have, what else can I do?