Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by reSol, Mar 21, 2007.

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  1. reSol

    reSol Member

    The only thing to fear is fear itself.

    I let fear control me. When I was young it used to be a fear of consequences of getting into trouble. That just results in being good and doing what you're told. These days it's a fear of people. This results in me doing basically nothing with myself except seeing friends every few weeks. I've always been quite shy with no self esteem...childhood took it's toll on me. Talking to people(strangers) has always been difficult, but I still managed to do it in the past. But these days it's excrutiatingly difficult. I find it difficult to order myself a meal when I go out with a friend, so I'll usually get my friend to do it for me. I know, it's quite pathetic. It just causes me anxiety and makes me feel awkward. And also if they get what I ordered wrong I wont say anything, I'll just go away with something I didn't want, pissed off because of it and also because I didn't say anything. I just don't like confrontations and absolutely avoid it. I let people walk all over me and don't stick up for myself which is part of the problem and reason of why I'm like this to begin with.

    I tend to clam right up around people I don't know very well. I find it very difficult to carry conversations with them. The words seem to get stuck in my throat, I start feeling hot, I blush a little what I do say tends to come out shaky. And then afterwards I analyse every little detail of the conversation which usually just makes me feel like shit, because I focus on anything stupid I said, or the way I sounded or some other shit. There's always something wrong with the conversation.

    Apart from feeling anxious, nervous, awkward and having difficulty actually speaking to people, I also don't like being around people. People in general are mean, they'll find any way to screw you over and I'm just not equipped to handle it anymore. Before I broke, I used to be able to just bottle up all the shit people said and did and shrug it off like it didn't happen. But I just don't have those defences anymore, I'm not capable of dealing with any of the shit people might do to me if I be around them. I know they will because people always have said and done shit to me because I'm too nice and I don't say anything back or do anything. I just can't go through anymore of it.

    Another reason I don't like talking to people is because of embarrassing situations. It absolutely kills me to be in embarrassing situations. I just feel like dying then and there when I say or do something embarrassing and it doesn't just stop there. I relive the situation over and over in my head feeling just as embarrassed and just as shitty, it mainly happens when I'm trying to get to sleep. I relive all the embarrassing situations I've been in and I hate it. I hate it with a passion. But I can't stop doing it. I don't want to be in anymore embarrassing situations.

    I'm the person in the group that just sits in the background not saying anything, just observing and listening. It's like that on here. I just sit in the background not posting, going by unnoticed, because I don't have anything to say or add or anything I might like to add I don't because I think it's stupid.

    I have no life, I'm 20 and I have no life...unless you count seeing my friends every few weeks as having a life. I have no prospects for the future. I still live at home and I have no income...it's not like I really need money anyways. I feel like such a loser, because I truly am a loser. My two older sisters both moved out of home when they were 18, my younger sister moved out of home last year and she's 18...I don't even have a job, I'm horribly dependant on my mum. I need a job, but I don't know how to get one when I find it too difficult to talk to people. I can't keep doing what I'm doing. Doing nothing every single day. I hate it. I don't want to end up 20 years down the track still like this. The only way out as I can see it is death. It's the only option I have, what else can I do?
  2. stephananio

    stephananio New Member

    don' t worry, at least you have friends and a mother who love you. i'm the opposite, i've always been outgoing and had friends and found converstaion enjoyable and easy. its usually me who will ask people questions and identify wiht them that settles the poeple who feel awkward in social situations. but rocky relationship with my mum and family and dwindling relationships with friends have had a huge impact on my and the thought of situations where i have to think on my feet make me nervous and i avoid them. this is what i hate, the person i have become, who isolates herself, when i look back at what i was it kill sme to think how far i have fallen, and i attempted suicide in february. luckily in some poeple's eyes, i survived but suicide seems drastic for confidence problems. there are programs you can join that help build confidence but it is a tricky business and i know what you mean about going over and over and over what youve said, whether it was funny, what poeple thought of it but in the end you have to remember, its only you who's doing that! once something is said in a conversation that's generally it, noone else will think of it again. i know that the hideous anxiety is an all-consuming feeling, but you have to control it and at least try to put it in perspective. i know it sounds stupid, but practice conversation wiht someone you trust like your mum, dont tell her, just start asking questions and try to relate them to experiences youve had, thats all i do this also helps you to feel youre controlling the conversation, it's a much better feeling
    good luck, hope it gets better
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you may have a bit of social anxiety or phobia going on. Have you talked to anyone about this? It is not uncommon and you will find many people here at SF with those same kinds of feelings. Maybe you can find someone to help you figure out the way to get you feeling more comfortable around people. Start small. One step at a time. If you try to rush things you will just become overwhelmed.
  4. reSol

    reSol Member

    No, I've also been dealing with depression for the past four years. I've been through hell and back and I'm slowly sinking back towards hell. Depression has stopped my life and I'm unable to restart it. I should be in the 'work till you die' stage of life, but I haven't been able to summon the courage to deal with people. I'm alive but not living life...I need to get the two in sync, either be alive and living life or unalive and not living life...I can't continue with the way it is now.

    No I haven't talked to anyone about this. I can't, I'm just unable to talk to people about things pertaining to me or anything meaningful. I don't know why, I just can't. Which doesn't help when I see my psychiatrist and sit there barely talking or just saying 'I don't know' when he asks me a question.
  5. Fnord

    Fnord Member

    I can relate to what you wrote. I have the same feelings, but I don't let it get to me as much anymore. When I was depressed it did get to me though. I'm also a quiet and observant person. I notice a lot things and (unless my mind is wandering) I really listen.

    It used to be common for me like on forums to start making a post, but give up on it before I finish it. Which I guess would be anxiety over whether it sounds "stupid" or useless. I rarely do that anymore, as you can see with this post actually making it through.

    stephanio is right, people don't remember conversations very well. Think back and remember the last conversation you had with someone. People love to hear themselves talk, and in most conversations while you talk they're generally gonna be thinking about what they're going to say next (or simply waiting to talk). Try asking a question about what they just said, or ask to elaborate, your conversation partner will be secretly thrilled that you even listened and showed interest. Just be careful what you ask for, you might die of boredom. :rolleyes:

    I don't know how helpful it is, but I want you to know that I understand what you're talking about and I was in much the same living situation at your age.
  6. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Be who you are and say want man because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

    read my high school story we are in very similar situations
  7. Smythe

    Smythe Well-Known Member

    I also suffer from fairly severe social anxiety, so I can relate to a lot of
    what you said. It's extremely crippling, and the way that no one can
    really understand without suffering themselves isn't very helpful.

    I compare it to eating disorders sometimes in the way that people
    try to 'help' you by saying things like
    "why don't you get over it" or "cant you just not be that way" :dry:

    Lots of people do find meds helpful, though it may take time to find ones
    that work for you, I'll have to start trying some again I think.
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