I live in constant fear and its controlling my life. You cant really call it a life :unsure: Scared of gaining weight, standing on the scale at least 3 times a day, counting calories, throwing up, exercise, sport and woohoo binging :dry: I'm scared to eat, because I know when I start its hard to stop and I end up puking. And we all know you cant throw everything up, so i can still gain weight. So I dont really lose weight. Its a fucking circle and its going on for i think 7 months now. Scared to go to chat, because there is always someone I used to talk to. I used to see as a friend. I miss them, but after my decision, I cant pretend like nothing happened. There are better of without me anyway. Scared to reply threads, afraid I will say something stupid and retarded again. Afraid that people will use me and treat me like shit afterwards again. Scared going on msn, so i deleted and blocked almost everyone on it. Sorry of that, its not because of you, because you're all amazing. its just my fucking retarded behaviour. Scared just to talk with people, because I can snap any moment, when they say something triggering. I can go completely mad about nothing and hurt them and trigger them even more. Scared that i will fuck up other peoples lifes and hurt them. Another reason why i cut contact with almost everyone in my life and I dont want to make new contacts or fix old friendships. Scared to go to work. Hearing what everyone thinks of me when they come to me to pay for their food. They dont have to tell. A face says enough. This is not just at work, this is everywhere, trying to avoid people all the time. Scared to dissapoint my parents, i need a job, i need to go to therapy, i need to look good, i need to be spontanious and cute, i need to be social, i need to be the perfect daughter. I'm such a fake. Scared that i'm really not more than this miserable piece of shit, that i really cant do more than fucking things up. That I will never accomplish a thing, that i will never complete a studie, that i will have a louzy job i hate, that i wont find someone who is able to love me, that i will be ugly and fat forever, that my dreams and goals never come true. Scared of my thoughts, when I dont think about losing weight and food, i probly think about suicide. Been trying to write letters the past weeks, but there is so much to tell and they need to be perfect. My dead needs to be perfect. Need to have done at least one thing in my life perfect. I'm scared to be myself, I'm scared to live, I'm scared of almost everything except dead. Why cant people just accept that this life isnt ment for me, I dont belong here, I'm better of dead. People say that people who commit suicide are selfish, well people who want me to continue this life so they wont get hurt are selfish too, right :unsure: ? Just dont want to live like this anymore, no hope, no love, no happiness, no future, just hate, pain, shame, guilt and FEAR. Would you continue life for that?