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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by plates, Apr 20, 2009.

  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i'm so scared and alone. i don't know the point of this post but i'm really scared and i cant stop crying.
  2. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    You aren't really alone. You have me. :hug:
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your feeling that way. I hope you feel better soon.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Can you tell us why you are scared.. We are here for you..I know all about lonely.. And fear can usually be fixed if you talk it out!!
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i'm alone because someone i think hates me and has left me.

    my mother drove me around in her car, i was kind of dropping off, but we drove past a dead fox on the road. i can't stop crying. i wanted to go back to my flat but im' here because i'm scared.

    i'm not lonely. i'm alone. when i go out i don't feel like all the other people. i feel like i'm dead. i feel like i'm approaching my death. everything looks so cold. the people who have said loved me, confuses me and have hurt me. i feel confused. i feel alone and i feel petrified. everyone out there seems to be alive. i can't eat anything because i just can't. the same problem that made me so ill in the past.

    i'm generally trying to reject my need for love/comfort. i stop eating. it just happens.

    i'm reminded of my ED psychologist telling me this will happen when i am retraumatised. but i'd prefer to die (but i won't because i'm too scared) than fall into something that seems inevitable at the moment.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2009
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    How long have you had these feelings for? Have you spoken to this person who you think hates you.
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    a week? a few days? i'm losing time. i think he's left me.

    thank you for talking to me mystic eyes, courtney, joseph. i'm not expecting much but just to be heard, is enough.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2009
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Is there any chance of this person coming back to you? Why has he left you in the first place.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i don't know. it's a fucked up situation.

    i'm scared for so many reasons. if i get ill- going through all the ED hospital, general hospital not getting help, being coerced to go through treatment which is very harmful for me. having no control over my treatment. i'm scared of falling back into anorexia. i'm scared of dissociating and just being lost out there for months again not eating.
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Perhaps instead of having the usual 3 meals a day thing, why not have smaller meals or snacks but have more of than 3. That way it won't be too much at one time and you won't get ill from not eating enough. It probably will be difficult at first but i'm sure your body would adjust to it.
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    it's not that easy. but thank you for your words and kindness.

    have you heard of catatonia? i can get like that when i'm really unwell. i dont eat as well as being unable to for the reasons above. i dissociate to that extent when i'm scared. i don't move. and i'm very unresponsive to others but there's a lot (too much) going on inside my head and i am not connected to my body.
  12. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I've know of Catatonia. Do you get treatment for the symptoms you experience.
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yeah my psychotherapist tries to help me control the dissociation so it doesn't get to that stage because it gets to that stage when i'm suffering a lot internally and am shutting down.

    that was in 07 though and i'm terrified of that coming back.

    thank you for your kindness.
  14. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    When you mean internally, do you mean when you have alot on your mind?

    By the way, no need to thank me ok.
  15. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yeah when i'm going through a lot of internal struggle or i'm suffering from wounds from the past or i'm feeling too much, i just, i have really bad memories of periods in my life when i'm growing physically weaker because i obviously can't look aftermyself well then, and am (ok) i'm....dissociating so much or i don't know how to explain it. it's a bit like when people ask me what i hear when i hear voices. i say 'it's a fog' . i don't hear voices any more but i remember periods of lying in my bed motionless or walking around not knowing what i'm doing or standing very rigid, all i can say is that i was in unhappy situations and it was a way of escaping it because everythign around me was too stressful (ie, being in a shop would be too much for me and i'd go rigid and stare into space, but i'm fine with that now maybe because i've got rid of my ex gf)

    i think it's because i'm so much better in lots of ways, and when i feel ill like this, i'm terrified of falling into a place where i feel i'm trapped and out of control at the same time

    i'm feeling less scared now though. i think i couldn't understand why i was like that in the past. now i know it's because of anxiety/stress it makes a lot more sense.
  16. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I guess you could say it was like some sort of coping mechanism that occured when you became stressed, etc. Correct me if i'm wrong though.

    I can understand why your worried. You don't want to go back to that. What has been the recent comments from your psychotherapist in terms of how the treatment is working.
  17. plates

    plates Well-Known Member


    well, i've been a mess for a month, so the crisis team have been monitoring me (mood swings, really suicidal etc). what she did mention last session is that i'm re-living trauma and this can get unbearable and i'll obviously want to kill myself (it's happening a lot recently) but the thing is, i'm more afraid of dissociating so so badly and the eating and everything falling apart because i'm too scared to kill myself.
    we talk about everything, so it's not one thing. i suppose i could mention my worries to her. the way she helps me is to say "keep your fridge filled." when i go wandering. i'm really tired at the moment. i'm going to have a rest.

    thank you so much for listening to me. :smile:
  18. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I understand your fears about dissociating. I think it's a good idea to mention your worries to her but only do so if you want to.

    Take care and I hope your feeling better soon both internally and externally.

    Also your welcome. I hope talking about this has helped you.
  19. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    there's no hope left. there's no hope left. i'm in so much pain but i'm too scared to die. something has happened to me and i can't understand it. i don't understand what's happened to me
  20. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Imagine yourself in the future looking back on this and going, oh ok I see what that was. You WILL get through this. I know how tough it is because you don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on with me either, but there has to be another side to this, you'll make it through, I'll make it through, and I think most people here who keep themselves alive long enough to see it will look back and understand.